Everton v Chelsea

Is right Everton. More of that please.

There’s some sort of alignment between Everton and a boss Christmas in that if were winning our way through the festive games then most of us are likely to feel the goodwill to all men vibes. Obviously that last bit stops short at that Iberian tithead managing Chelsea, but more of that later.

The Boxing Day win was hard earned and in many previous seasons we would have got a point at best out of it. Instead we pushed it second half and completed a sequence of games with ten points out of twelve.
Onwards and upwards? Who knows. Our next opponents are a bit rum though.

If you want proof of how good our present team is then you have it in the shape of the current European Champions not looking forward to a game at our boss arl stadium. This is on the tail of a good couple results where they’ve steadied a listing ship and starting playing some of the powerhouse footie they’re capable of. We should be crediting their latest manager for coming in and doing that but you can sack that right off because that manager is none other than Rafael “Rafa” Benitez. Get in!

Benitez is one bad little bearded paranoid tit. He speaks as though he invented strategy itself on the football field. I’m still delighted that he was at the very nucleus of the big LFC implosion which sees them stuck in their current predicament. Ferguson got right in his swede and the press conference which documented his breakdown was compulsive viewing.

Still they worship him like, but it’s for similar reasons why Rodgers pulls the wool over their eyes – they are both proficient at playing to the masses and blagging their supporters that they’re something special. Obviously no one in England can understand tactics on the level they can, all this false number 9 and two pushing while one stays on.

During all of that episode our friend Benitez got onto the fact that thanks to mostly boring/spawning their way to a Champions League win he had unlimited credit with The Royal Kopite Bank so he decided to declare war on the owners who promptly jibbed him off before abdicating themselves, but not before starting the domino effect of Liverpool managers and big money waste. The outcome of all this is Libberpewlfubbellklub becoming a car crash of a club and being ripped right open to reveal it’s very contents causing much aghast and beautifully positioning LF and C as the number one universally disliked and mocked club in the whole of England.

Great work Rafa. Any yet they love him so.

He’s now in charge of Chelsea who are very highly ranked up on Libburpeulfubbleclob’s hatey list along with ourselves, United, the FA, Martin Luther King, the backpass rule, Martin Samuel’s beard, Jon Jo Shelvey, teams who dare to play passes more than three yards off the ground and anyone who wins anything other than them ever. Illustrious company for Chelsea that, good to have you with us.

Chelsea against all the odds pulled off a superb moment of football last season by bloodying the noses of them utter bellends of Barcelona and putting them out in the semi on their way to a first time European Cup win. Under the guidance and peculiar eybrows of Roberto Di Matteo it was thought they would push on this season but they succumbed to a patch of averageness which predictably saw the public decapitation of Di Matteo and the increasingly shaolin monk hairlined Benitez installed. Again to a backdrop of much amusement as the kopites had been craving his return and Chelsea fans really didn’t want him.

They’ve got some really ace players. Torres has started looking like the striker he was again which bodes well for most defences in the league. The man making it all tick is the Pontins 2011 Villa Boas lookalike winner Juan Mata. He just ghosts around and makes it all tick, probing and prodding. He’ll need to be outgrocked or stalked out of the game. And when you get on top of Mata then there´s that Hazard to think of, not the blonde one who played in the eighties like, the European one everyone reckon´s ace.

A key component of their little resurgence has been putting the peyab haired David Luiz who is doing all sorted of wonderful stuff in there. Poorly timed for us as it looks like we’ll be missing a few key players there, even if Frank Lampard still gets a game there.

The bedrock of the good Chelsea teams of the past ten years has been a tough defence, marshalled usually by Terry and the husbands of girls he’s casually f*cking. Gary Cahill is in there now and doing well despite looking like a poor boyband audition with his face not really fitting together. A human Mr Potato if you will.

Ashley Cole doesn’t have many bad games at left back even if the sheer bossness of our own left back might be signalling the sunset on his career. Peter Cech continues to look a tit with his protective head gear. It’s healed by now mate.

Picking the Everton team has a few variables this week, we’re going to be a bit bare boned with some big players out.

The goals aren’t happening for Jelavic but as has been mentioned at least he’s working really hard. It’s only a matter of time and who’s going to replace him anyway?

Anichebe didn’t followed up with a good game last time out and there’s a good chance he could be sacrificed for either Naismith or five in the middle as we’ll not want to concede the midfield to the opposition we did against Wigan. Credit to Naismith as he got his head right down and got stuck in second half, we’re easily seduced by such qualities.

Gibson’s not going to make this, Moyes might be saying there’s a chance but it’s very unlikely he’ll start which leaves us a problem. Hitzlsperger nearly scored the goal of all goals but you get a good first half out of him before he goes scatty. He’s capable of a job but needs someone in there. If Coleman does return then it’s likely Moyes will put Neville in there as he likes to against the top teams. If not then it’s likely to be Heitinga and sadly not Barkley. I’ve got a feeling Osman will be played as the most forward of a tight midfield three. Pienaar will obviously be on the left.

A clean sheet is eluding us horribly. It was a horrible goal we conceded against Wigan and just as it looked like we could see the game out. Heitinga’s days are numbered at the club it would seem so he won’t be getting used if all centre halves are available there. Distin and Jagielka will start, with some love to Jagielka for a proper arl Everton goal. There’s no other type of goal that invokes a certain glee as a thumped header in front of the Gwladys Street. It’s a tip of the cap to some of our greatest players doing the exact same thing in the exact same place wearing a royal blue shirt.

Coleman is meant to be in with a chance but we hear otherwise so it will probably be Baines and Neville as full backs. When was the last game you could say Tim Howard made match winning saves or was man of the match? Exactly.

It’s going to be a tough game but the two previous wins have gave us a little less anxiety about failing to win, in fact with the injuries and key missing players there’s no real pressure on us. I’m not alone in thinking they’ll probably do us.

But that beautifully partisan corner of Walton can be a very easy place for those with over ambition and confidence to succumb on a cold weekend. Welcome to Goodison, now lets get the f*ck right into these beauts.