West Ham v Everton

Feeling better after that? Me too.

Because for all we can talk about projects and styles and making the pitch smaller, what really matters is EFC turning up against a team who fancy themselves against us an leaving them under no illusion by the time that they’ve left L4 that they’re beauts. Not just any beauts, but our very own personal beauts.

Chelsea swaggered into town with millions spewed all over the show and met an Everton who dug in – something with was an apprehension for many that we’d lose in the brave new world – and an Everton that wanted to counter attack the f*ck out of them when they were trying to equalise. Now to temper that we didn’t wake up on Sunday and see a clear path to champions of the league like some uber Kevin Brock moment, sack that its Everton, but there was loads of wee things that if Everton can follow up on and get better at then hints at an enjoyable season.

Of course this can all be wiped out in one foul blow if West Ham grock us to death but that’s why this game is more important than Chelsea. We don’t want to be locked in some sort of kopite time lapse where we alternate from DEAD BOSS DAT EVERTON to GET DAT MANAGER OUT, a perpetual purgatory for the modern day footie bell. Progress no matter how slow is always welcomed in our little corner of the world and more importantly is given patience.

Speaking of West Ham: first things first, one boss home shirt and its been far too long that we’ve had to wait for a three stripe Everton shirt. For f*ck sake most of Merseyside is decked out in Adidas Originals so each passing season without is smiting the good name of Herr Adi Dassler himself. Not that you’re gonna purchase a replica shirt if more than two years into pubes but its one thing Everton beasting teams and an ever better thing if we look the absolute f*cking tits while doing it. Of course we can say to West Ham that at least Bukta hasn’t made our kits, but then a few of them might have spotted the outbreak of jarg Naf Naf trackies prevalent on Merseyside in 1990. Whoever got them through made a killing and no mistake.

Back on track its where I should be pointing out what a difficult game this is but sack that, they have their best players largely out and by best players I really mean failed Liverpool players who cost far far too much. Carroll (£35m), Downing (£20m) and Joe Cole (over 100k a week and as good as Messi according to Gerrard) are all sitting this out with injuries.

Things have got that desperate that Carlton Cole who has the work application of a rich pothead being forced to work for his Dad is back training with the first team squad after being jibbed off a couple of months ago. They have Maiga up front who is one lump of f*cking sh*te. Tempting fate that but he’s like a lad who’s crap in fifth year dropping down to play with the second years. He can try and bully his way about the pitch but he’s still largely tosh and it will always shine through.

Midfield contains Mark Noble. That’s like picking up a chocolate bar you’ve never seen before and checking the wrapper where it says Warning: may contain horse manure. The little side parted snide Scott Parker is a throw back to an Everton midfield of the nineties. Will run around all day and have an odd boss game against Crystal Palace but is stealing a living as a top flight footballer. Also included in that midfield are Diame – who’s a player – one time Everton supposed target Matt Jarvis and Kevin Nolan who without even knowing and using your blue spider sense you’d be able to guess is a kopite if introduced through a friend in Rigbys one evening. He reeks of kopite and is talked up as some sort of Cahill figure arriving late in the box when is fact he’s utter fudge.

West Ham don’t concede many goals, it’s the foundation of any Sam Allardyce team. The defence to look at aren’t all that but are drilled to f*ck, like some Derren Brown midtrick, to clobber the ball or opposition player as far away as possible within 21 yards of their own goal. Its effective too when backed by the much underrated Jaski Jaaskelainen who as a lesser known fact is technically a satellite, as he’s a moon to Sam Allardyce’s gigantic planet sized head and orbits the big jowled tit every 28 days. And that’s why he left Bolton.

So that’s the size of West Ham and they’re getting a walk on the type of fans they are as I honestly don’t mind them compared to most of the other sets of bells we encounter. A mostly working class area of London and apart from them thinking they actually invented passing in the sixties they’re alright as far as the southern teams go. Well until they get that big f*ck off stadium and start signing our players and finishing above us, as the story goes.

Onto Everton, that’s what were here for. EV-ER-TON.

Weve got some options up front which should worry one time ace for a half a season blues striker Jelavic. Oh how I miss them ice cold first time slots. Kone is fit and Lukaku, who gets better for each game he doesn’t play for us, is eligible to start. Personally I can’t see beyond Jelavic starting this as a last throw of confidence from the manager before the massive Belgian comes on to monster the opposition’s defence to good effect from the bench as he did for West Brom last season.

Steven Naismith with his Kuyt like performance on the wing, it worked, very effective in particular against top teams as he worked their full backs hard through the game with his movement and application. Also won a lot of headers out there from useful long balls when we were under pressure. I was sat directly behind his dar in the main stand who revealed himself, Scooby Doo style, at half time after a first half where my Scottish internet pal had said one or two unsavoury things for him. Turns out his dar and family are sound types – good football folks – and that’s good enough for me to urge lids to give him a chance. He desperately wants to make it at Everton, maybe he won’t, but it wont be through lack of trying.

Already there’s strong rumours that Rockstar Games have added a Ross Barkley cheat mode on GTA V where you can run about doing whatever you like and no c*nt can do anything about it. He should shine against teams like this. Osman had a terrible 20 mins and then picked up somewhat but isn’t playing that well that you can see him keeping Gibson or McCarthy out of the team.

Gareth Barry has the ability to slow down time by merely putting his foot on the ball and looking up. Not many of you would have realised it but the actual game on Saturday lasted for 156 minutes. Nothing more I can add as debuts don’t come much better than that, the hard part will be following it up but Evertonians recognise the value of a Bracewell style player who does all the unselfish things that make a team tick. Mirallas showed his versatility by moving onto the shoulder of their last defenders to help us counter attack but desperately needs a couple of goals.

A note on that, how nice was it to see a few effective tactical changes in a game like that? In years gone by we would have retreated five yards every ten minutes played to hold onto the lead. Don’t get me wrong it worked for the most part but your average footie fan wants to see his team try and have a go, and we certainly did that as the longer the Chelsea game went on the more likely it looked we’d score another.

Distin and Jagielka are playing as well together as they have, hence the three clean sheets in the last three league games. Coleman just seemingly gets better and Baines has had a quiet season by his standards – and topically can I urge Alan Stubbs to think before he speaks. You’re breaking Kirkby code here lid. Howard had a mixed game against Chelsea and in time is gonna break down at Robles smirking at him in the changes every time he f*cks up. Sort the terror preacher look out too lid, you’re no Kimbo Slice.

So that’s the task at hand for Everton. You want lids to get excited about the direction in which were heading? Them get right into these from the get go. Actually sack that, I sound like Im visualising myself in the changies addressing the team directly and that belongs angry kids on twitter typing caps.

Just f*ck them Everton, that will do.