Newcastle vs Everton

You alright? No, actually don’t answer that.

Only a short one this week as it’s overkill with the games coming thick and fast and motivation to talk about Everton is at a premium.

The less said about the last couple of games the better as we’ve been rubbish and there’s no feasible reason for it. There’ll be little blaming of the ref or that type of malarky as right in front of our eyes is a really feeble Everton there for the taking. And teams are taking us.

Unfortunately for Martinez and his lids there’s no less appreciative gathering of people on the planet than a Boxing Day crowd at Goodison. And so it proved. Not that anyone deserved any appreciation as they were absolute stinking.

With the onset of the world wide web you don’t have to get the Pink Echo for your surmising, or geg in on the blues on the next table in the pub to have a whinge or work it out right there and then what needs doing. Get Dickov in. But the most Evertonian thing in the world is a raise of the eyebrows and roll of the eyes to a fellow Evertonian when the “what do you reckon on the blues then” question is raised. Me and me dar specialise in it, it’s our default state to be fed up with Everton.

So what better to compound getting trashed three nil by a depleted Southampton side and then put to bed by an average Stoke team at home, then a visit to bellwipe HQ in the north east. To a struggling Newcastle side who are themselves on the back of four losses.

This is like any film starring Tom Cruise; you can guess the ending.

I’ve even lost the enthusiasm to rip into Newcastle for their general all round cringey antics. Whether it’s the fancy dress to a match, legions of over jovial nuggets with only three types of haircut between them or their amusing blind spot when it comes to any sort of comparison to their beloved yet ultimately-rubbish-throughout-the-ages Newcastle team.

Wor Jackie man! Nah, he was tripe. As was SuperMac. As was Waddle and the meth riddled Gascoigne. That Duncan Ferguson was overrated and injured all the time. Shearer was alright but you still won nothing. Because you’re life’s losers and it’s a little amusement of mine to occasional stumble over you getting militant of that Ashley owning your club yet he’s still there, like a smiling fat alien on Star Wars, bumming you hard.

Oh hang on. I’m having a self aware moment. Forget that Newcastle, sorry like.

It’s a city that’s so paranoid of being correctly labelled as half Scottish that it over compensates it’s English identity and pride. Why is that? I would be striving for deportation from my own country if I was unlucky enough to be born and brought up around Newcastle fans. But not obviously geordies as they’re alright, but that’s the conundrum isn’t it?

They’re sound unless there’s football involved. They’re everyone’s best friend when on an away at Goodison but travel up there and no sooner are you there than the fat biffs are trying to get the police to truncheon you, the stinking shithouses. But then they’re sound later on in the Bigg Market. Maybe it’s permanent time of the month up there? Maybe football brings out the worst in people?

Maybe it does the same to us? Reading some of the cack on the forum on this site for the week is leading me to believe that.

Dat Martinez doh. Yeah I’m fuming too but calling for his head right now marks you down as a plum. Although he defo needs some criticising, I’ll play my part in about two paragraphs from here.

A quick look at the Newcastle team tells you what you need to know about their inconsistency. They’re a bunch of flat track bullies with the likes of Cisse, Cabella and Ameobi. In fact looking at their predicted line ups I’d be baying for a stiff bumming of them similar to what we delivered in the same fixture last year. But that was before the snake made Martinez bite the apple, and then everyone noticed we got no pants on.

Or maybe it will change all of a sudden, it’s a possibility no? Most talented squad that Everton have had since the eighties so shouldn’t there be a Moyes-esque rise from the relative ashes in the second half of the season?

Neither anxiety nor hope should really prompt any of us to look far ahead as it’s futile, and the scourge all the best predictive comments on the internet for future bumping to make you look a prized tit. See that acutest of all kopite cockhounds Bascombe questioning whether Ronaldo was really any better than Le Tallec.

We’ve steered away from the subject of Newcastle to starting frowning about Everton, partly because I can’t be arsed talking about them as their a sideshow and we’re too busy wallowing. It would be irresponsible to move on though without referencing that two tone tranny lipped scrote faced hyper texan Pardew. Competition is hot when it comes to phonies in the Premier League. Unfortunately for him it’s a scouse pastime to spot tits and call them out on it. We’ve been doing it since as far as we could talk.

Too proud of something? Tit. A bit too confident in your approach? Tit. Reckoning that you’re a bit tasty with your knuckles? Tit. New car? Tit. Travelfox trabs? Tit. You into wrestling above the age of 13? Tit. Laughing over something for one second too long? Tit. V necked t shirt and a tan? Tit. Doing shots in a pub on a Tuesday? Tit.

The list is endless. But at the top of that list is Alan Pardew the phoney nugget. We know what you are Alan, and we’ll never let you forget. Not that you’re defo reading this. Was I addressing Pardew directly there? Tit. Writing previews as though anyone is arsed reading them? Tit.

Everton then.

Who knows the answer? Let’s hope the man getting paid to find the answer does. And out of unexplained optimism and possibly misplaced loyalty to last season and him pretending to love our history, I reckon he will find the answers. Just maybe not as fast as we want him to.

But seriously it’s becoming tiring playing the likes of Eto’o, Naismith and Barkley out wide. Just isn’t working. That’s not the only reason why we’re rubbish, but it’s one of them. If our current wide players are that bad an option then we need to spend some wedge resolving it during next month too.

Breaks my heart to see Lukaku not being the ace young beastly thing that terrorised defences early on last season. We obviously didn’t bleach or disinfect well enough as he’s caught Jelavicitis from Finch Farm. It isn’t working with him playing with his back to goal, it’s not his thing. I’ve got that desperate that I’m angling for Kone to be given a go with him as a front two. Could it be much worse?

McCarthy was meant to be the missing piece but his inclusion didn’t do much. Something needs to be shook up in labouring midfield who have the worst movement I’ve seen since me mate’s mar tried to run for a bus in 1988. There’s no one showing for the ball and for a team that’s relying on a possession based game it’s yet another reason why we’re so tripe at present. Besic and Barkley in a central two looked the only highlight in our midfield of late, why not try it again?

Barry and McCarthy it is then.

Jagielka will probably miss out so safe money is on Stones and Alcaraz looking dead confident until someone out muscles them for a break away third. Or maybe not? What happened to our full backs anyway?

And Joel Robles in goal.

The boos are in town and you can’t fault them. We’re playing rubbish football and looking as confident as a fifteen year old lining up outside the Buzz. We’re getting beat by teams who are far worse than us because we have players doing stupid things and we are incapable of putting any sort of concerted pressure on a mediocre defence.

Whilst I don’t abscomb the players of blame it’s not a personnel thing, it’s a tactics and confidence thing. So that’s at the manager’s door. Time for Roberto to show us what he’s made of, words alone won’t cut it.

Let’s be brutally honest, you’ve seen far worse Evertons. And without the talent in the squad to get ourselves out of it the muddle we found ourselves in. It’s just a huge disappointment that the season is turning out this way. And yet this game marks only the halfway point of the season. So pipe down a little at the back.

What you getting dead narky about? Who said we’d finish top four this season anyway? We’ll plough Newcastle like the wanton sweats they are and you’ll have had your feel-good factor kick. The school of science IS on the way back, it just took the scenic route.

Didn’t turn out a short preview did it?

Tit.