Everton v Spurs Preview

Or just go the game with your mates and be made up to get a few hours escapism and a beer pass. Act like a tit if you want, it’s all up to you.

A late, late away win at West Ham was boss. There’s the days there why you persist. Even if it was for all intents and purposes a dead rubber, Everton sniding the opposition in a cruel/ace manner is one of the planet’s great wonders, Attenborough should be doing the narrative to such moments.

So it brings up nicely to the end of season Ceefax play off. Win and we could obtain the prize of page 1/2 for the next three months. Fail to and it’s going to be a long wait until that page ticks over, counting on you not mistakenly pressing HOLD and fuming five minutes later.

Spurs have had a Spurs like season, being the very definition of signing apparently ace players that kids who play FIFA coo over but ultimately finishing anywhere between fifth and eighth. Better than us no doubt so it’s not a criticism, merely and an observation so Chas n Dave at the back can pipe rar down.

They took another what you consider a trending on twitter manager in Pochettino and it’s not been a universally happy decision at the end of the season amongst their fans as his football has been criticised as being too systematic and sterile.

They are chockablock with players who on their day can hurt a team real bad. You know the exact types, youtube players with Kanye West as the background music. And they’re coming to Goodison to try and humiliate us in order to take what is rightfully ours – fifth place.

Harry Kane has been their sensation of the season, with the pleasingly dyed in the wool local lad scoring all sorts of raspers. He’s forced his way into the England team – which in fairness isn’t so hard to do – and should start up front. Christian Eriksen is the one who provides the bullets for the forwards and is a very Spurs player indeed, sleight of frame but technically excellent. He’ll need to be watched or bullied.

The second half of the season has seen Chadli start a rise to importance in the team, he plays wide and has benefitted from Aaron Lennon being moved on, naturally as have we. The big swathing hunk looks like he should be sleazing fat women in their fifties who have got their hair braided on a foreign beach but instead has really progressed, being athletic and very skilful out wide. He’s good for a goal too.

There’s never been much to note about Spurs defences so we’ll conveniently sweep past that and the goalkeeper position to focus very briefly on their fans. They’re not that bad in my book. Seasons of crushing disappointment at the most optimum time has grounded them and they have to tolerate the texans of Arsenal as near neighbours. Sure they’re prone to over ambition, as are we, but on the whole they’re not a bad bunch if just a little too “Landan” for our northern palate. Shat it you mags.

I hope with all my might that Newcastle get cruelly dumped down tomorrow though, that would be splendid.

So onto Everton then, for the final time of the season.

Twenty goal Lukaku will start up front for the last time before Juventus easily snatch him with their Champions League bounty. Watch the Gwladys Street fume and get dead para when he throws his shirt into the crowd and walks off in his socks. He’s young and still developing but he can be pleased with the amount of goals he’s slotted in a side that hasn’t particular played to his strengths this season.

No idea what Martinez is going to opt for behind him, Naismith’s form has tailed off second half of season so I would bet on the midfield three of Barkley, McCarthy and Barry starting in a bid to snide the Spurs midfield. Lennon is league tied for this so has played his last game for us on loan, will be interesting to see if we try to make it permanent, Coleman will be hoping so.

In his place expect McGeady to start – and credit where it’s due, boss cross that lar. On the other wing you will have probably Mirallas.

I’ve come to the crushing realisation of late that I perhaps like John Stones more than Everton, I thought myself guarded to players leaving and breaking my heart but one day he’s gonna hurt. A ball playing defender as good as I’ve seen at that age, he should be an Everton captain to be but week by week everyone is getting onto him.

Jagielka deservedly took the player of the season which was a nice touch as he lead by ways rather than his mouth and much pointing, like his predecessor. We are going to have to add to this position next year as we need a consistent pool of central defenders if we’re to rebound up the table again.

Anyway, Distin is splitting the fanbase this week about if he’s entitled to a see off. All the see offs of late have been a bit cringey and I include Moyes in that at Goodison. No denying Distin’s value though, there were many scoffing at him being chose to replace Lescott and that amount of money for a 32 year old. He’s gave value for money but I’d prefer it if we played the best players to win the game really, simple as that. I do hope that at the final whistle he’s locked his GPS onto that beaut who was having a go at him at the end of the Palace match last season and he storms the crowd for a very public dust up. Like a slapping a teacher at the end of fifth year in school, what you gonna do?

Baines is missing but has been splitting the fanbase as the emerging “force” of Luke Garbutt and his apparent imminent defection to Liverpool has got some lids wanting the best left back of many years at Everton to be rationed on the pitch. Here’s the rub, Garbutt has came in and done well for his experience and age. He looks like he could develop into a sound left back, as good as Baines though? Doubtful right now. Even Oviedo is ahead of him and for good reason. The ones screaming the most about this particular outrage are sub 30 year old beauts who have been brought up on FIFA and are hooked on instant gratification. They didn’t play with Star Wars figures you see, or fall off BMXs with three bricks on a ramp.

Pipe rar down you little gimps. You’ll miss Baines more than you know when he’s gone. Any player wanting to leave Everton really doesn’t strike any chords with me. If he does then he on he goes. So go and get yourself a job and a mortgage and go easy on the sleeve tattoos, you’ll look like proper tits in years to come.

Have a boss summer everyone and Everton best have sorted their heads out next season when we will be right at it again, in this, the favourite weekend pastime of ours.

What’s our name?