Everton v Aston Villa Preview

Seems like beards since we last played doesn’t it?

An unprecedented assault on the French resulting in an outpouring of grief. But enough about Dimitri Payet’s ankle and let’s get down to the footie.

Something needs to be done about the stop start beginnings of the season though. When did they creep in and who agreed to them? If anything they just generate apathy towards international football as it’s regular reminder of how dull national teams playing each other is. Like that jarg Formula One that they tried about ten years ago with nationalities rather than teams racing, there’s only the Combat 18 types from a small town in Surrey really into it. No one’s that arsed.

A point away to a buoyant West Ham is not a bad result but it left a taste of frustration for some as we managed to kick their talent out of the game and didn’t then kick on. But then if Everton was to write an autobiography of the last thirty years then “Didn’t really kick on” would be a good a title as any for it.

So what better to whet the appetite than a chummy home game against a horrid Aston Villa? That’s what we got this weekend, coming right up.

It’s at this point where we are meant to fret over their new manager coming in and earning a credible draw in his first game to Man City but I’m not convinced by that. When I look at their team I see only dogshit. Kieron Richardson at left back against Gerard Deulofeu? If the Spaniard isn’t charged with four counts of rape on Saturday evening then we’re living in an alternate universe.

Before we talk togger let’s take a bi annual time out to appreciate just how scruffy Aston Villa fans are. Not just borderline Lynx Africa reeking scruffy with twelve pocket jeans on, but next level unemployed in Wigan 1983 scruffy. Stinking meffy shitheads who have behaviour to match.

Is this 1975 or 2015 below?

It’s with beautiful irony I read last week that they had to send back a lot of their ticket allocation – despite being a mere ninety minute drive away from Goodison. This isn’t a “our support is more passionate than yours” geordie bell-off but a gentle nod to all their cringey songs trying to tease us about going to a football match and watching the game, instead of trying far too hard to be some chanting ultras from Belgrade. But with Dunlop Greenflash and gravy stained maroon Fruit of the Loom sweaters.

It’s a shame as it is a lovely club with much to admire in its history and the people of Birmingham are sound enough. We should be appreciating them on the sly, or at least fearing them as a foe but instead they badly goad us into pity and apathy. Forget flying planes over Goodison this weekend, instead just put the money into a 100 foot by 100 foot mirror and roll it out directly in front of the away end before the game. Let them have ten minutes with that mirror and hope that a fulcrum of self awareness exists so they shut up for the rest of the game before rushing home to have a bath with a full bottle of Dettol. Then finally setting fire to their entire wardrobe.

They are the very definition of beaut behaviour. I hope we hurt them for it, real bad.

Remi Garde has came in with a big reputation to protect and for his sake hopefully develop. He’s got an impressive record with French teams that neither you or I care about. What I do care about is sending his gallic shoulders into overdrive with fourth official directed shrugs this coming Saturday.

Right now though Garde has Aston Villa to take out of the mire and “succeed” by keeping them in the Premier League. That’s how it is these days, hire them, fire them. All fuelled by a sea of gobshites in the media urging them on for column inches, before being obsessed over by the cretins in the workplace who walk past your desk and try to “banter you” on Monday morning. These same type of shitheads also book a flexi day off for Transfer Deadline Day. I welcome the next planetary extinction event sometime soon, and aim it at whichever postcode Sky headquarter in.

They’ll probably go with Jordan Ayew up front who is a handy striker in the identikit fashion of first season strikers in the Premier League. At best he’ll be a Michu or grockier Jelavic. At some point in the game they’ll throw that big lump Gestede on to try and bully our defence too.

The tricky Gil and pacey Sinclair should be the options out wide, intending on keeping our full backs busy but really we should be giving both of them terrors for the entire game.

Midfield will have the durable Gueye and I’m out of adjectives for their players at this point so they have a few other obstinate midfield footballers looking to spoil the game and wear us down . Don’t you dare let them Everton, not now, not ever.

Defence will probably be Alan Hutton, Micah Richards, Ciaron Clark and Keiron Richardson and if that is not a defence which don’t deserve to be squatting on a pitch looking like broken men as they’re relegated in late April then I don’t know one that is. Guzan looks like he’s gazing into the back of a spoon and will play in goal.

Aston Villa for you right there. See anything to bother too much? Me neither. Go right through these from the first whistle blues.

A couple of injured players are back in the squad and training which is only to be benefit of the first team. It might be a game too soon for them however.

Lukaku has the build and gait of the Honey Monster but put him in front of goal and he’ll usually add a goal to your tally. That talent alone is worth a lot of money but then add in his pace and developing all round game as a sole striker and you have one of the best strikers we may see in royal blue for quite some time. Lazy doh lad.

Barkley thankfully had a quiet international break which will pipe down some of the press hype machine and allow him hopefully a run of games now where he can keep up consistency and importantly a real useful contribution in goals and build up. This is the type of afternoon where he should be running the show but Villa will be more than aware of that so expect him to have at least two dogs nipping at his ankles every time he shapes to recieve the ball.

Not sure who will play on the wings but it should reasonably be Deulofeu and one other. Be that Mirallas who has been moaning to the press about not getting much game time despite him being crap when he does this season. Be that Lennon who hasn’t really got going this season. Be that Kone, Naismith or the returning Cleverley (from scissor tackle execution) who are all not wide players but Martinez loves a player cutting in from the left.

Small comment on Cleverley, hahaha. Boo him you ballbags, he couldn’t wait to escape scruffdom.

Barry has been much improved this season and as is commonly noted it’s probably because the two games in a week of Europe and such takes it out of him. McCarthy was having an inconspicuous season then boom – he threw a tackle in that got yellow card and in the process illuminated an entire fanbase as hybrid kopites. Was all a bit weird that wasn’t it? Not a single mention about their own player allowed to play on for twenty minutes from the initial tackle and aggravating the injury though. Someone needs to tell West Ham that it’s not touch football they’re playing. I hope Payet returns in time for the Goodison return match, and then McCarthy promptly slams him again.

Sometimes it just illustrates that for as much as we’re meant to be the same, we are a breed apart. That’s a good thing too.

Stones and Mori should continue in defence with Coleman at right back and it may be time for the return of Leighton Baines, which is another good thing too. If it’s a game too early then Galloway will continue but Everton’s effectiveness will go up a notch or two with Baines on the pitch, there’s not many teams in the world he wouldn’t improve. Absolute loves acoustic guitar too, in case you missed it.

Tim Howard in goal. Ho hum.

I’ll finish as I started, by referencing momentum. International football are not good for it and Everton’s ability to ruin themselves against average teams can also be damaging to momentum.

We have a kind run of games now until the New Year. Opportunity knocks for a talented young team, but will they take it?

Of course they won’t, but what you going to do? Exactly. Just toey these tramps up the hoop and we’ll call it quits.

Ev-er-ton.