Bournemouth v Everton Preview

Winning comes uncomfortable to most Evertonians. If we received a parcel with one million pounds through the post we would find ourselves looking for the catch, waiting for the bill for two millions pounds to arrive in the next post.

So when a few wins come along at once it puts us at the same ease as a man staying in a hotel on his own nursing a beer at the hotel bar and trying to seem engaged by his phone, lest he stands out as a someone banned from within 1 square mile of every local playground.

The games suddenly can’t come quick enough even though I know that by laws of physics, quantum and the universe itself means that by typing this Everton will dip in a most horrendous fashion now.

But I just can’t help myself. Goals send a man dizzy with lust, and that lust calls himself Gerard. But more of that a bit later.

Not that a slapping of an embarrassingly bad Aston Villa will signify Everton being boss again for any prolonged period. They were a latter day Walter Smith effort and we rightfully give them a stiff rogering.

This however is an Everton team that when it’s in the mood can excite. For a team so young it can only get better too.

So that getting better process will be tested next by a struggling Bournemouth team scrapping for already important points by this stage of the season. They arrived fresh on the scene from a fantastic promotion season where they played exciting football with real purpose. Not that I seen a single one of their goals but it’s customary to lash them with patronising superlatives before we slap them down.

Slapping them down would be akin somewhat putting my toe up a puppy’s arse so for this preview they get a pass, right until the point where they annoy us for enjoying the Premier League experience in a bellish way, as let’s face it most of them do.

Good on you though, Tory Blackpool.

For those of you who have ventured down that way I’m sure you found it a weird experience. They’re obviously southerners but scraping around desperately for a local identity as there’s just a whole load of nothing much down there. Apart from beaches and depressing wine bars full of slags utterly bored out of their brains giving wanks out to leather bomber wearing texans who rag their crappy XR3i around the estate.

Still it’s warmer down there and it’s not Widnes, so they have reason to be happy.

It’s not as if they want to trying and validate their existence by some jarg rivalry between them and Southampton. That would be truly tragic.

Bournemouth and further west are trying to class themselves as the English Riviera. Except in any true riviera it’s not full of sweats wearing Primark slingbacks and vomiting into their own lap while slumped outside the local kebab shop. Still, you got the sea. But then so has Bootle.

What we’re trying to say is shut up and watch the match don’t think you’re dead funny singing ‘sign on’ songs because you’re playing a Merseyside team. Don’t play music after you score. Don’t even look at us. We’re here to hump you so pipe down and take it like a minnow.

Bournemouth are wonderfully managed by Eddie Howe who is a documented Evertonian. His teams play nice togger and when he speaks it doesn’t make me want to torpedo my own head so he has one up on pretty much every other manager in the Premier League. For all the niceties he needs to start picking up some points or he is in danger of falling into a Paul Lambert type of career.

That task hasn’t been helped by a long term injury list which looks like you’ve upset the Gods of soccer in a serious fashion. Smited them almost. Too many key players or players that they’ve spent their summer treasure chest on are out for pretty much the entire season. It’s unfortunate but absolutely no one cares.

They went two up away to Swansea last game out but were pegged back to two all, a shitter for them in the position they are. I’d usually go through their players and predicted line up by but I’ve only heard of a few of them. Or to be precise just two of them, and because they played for Everton.

Dan Gosling lines up against his former club and it’s tough to mock someone when he’s playing in the Premier League as that’s more than an average career. It could however have been more but he looks like a lesbian gerbil and swerved us big time to go to Newcastle. I’m not a bitter man so I hope McCarthy Payets him.

The only other player I’m gonna reference is that big French hunk Sylvain Distin who was more than a decent player for us and as such avoids snide or nasty words.

And that’s your Bournemouth lowdown, but customary last word I hope they stay up because if they do then there’s more chance either Aston Villa or Newcastle go down. Or even with some luck both of them, what an enjoyable day of mocking that would be. Good luck Bournemouth.

So Everton then. Suddenly Lukaku is the best thing since sliced bread and no one is talking about his supposed bad touch or him being “lazy”. Occasionally overshadowed in the affections of Everton fans and the media by Stones and Barkley he’s going about his business with a new level of effectiveness this season. Out of all our players he would be the one who we would struggle to replace the most, his consistency in scoring goals gains us many points. While his game is developing the bigger influence on his upturn of form is the simple fact that we have better/in form players in the final third this season and as a result he’s finding much more space. Long may it continue.

I’ll spare you the player by player accolades based on two easy wins so Barkley will play at what nuggets call number 10 position and behind Barkley will be McCarthy and Barry, the latter of which is having a really good season.

Probably a safe bet to assume Kone will start on the left which would have gave you palpitations prior to this season but late into November he’s proving his worth to the team and very importantly links tremendously well with Lukaku. They dance so well together too.

Gerard Deulofeu. Wow. Deulofeu is untouchable in Everton affection right now.

Maybe there’s a button touched amongst us with exciting wingers. Maybe he’s just a fantastic player who makes us absolutely batter teams. As always when we have something good we have a mawkish obsession with ruining it so there’s loads of lids sweating over his Barcelona buy back. Who knows what will happen? Let’s just enjoy him until instructed otherwise.

Stones and Mori have been quietly developing an understanding in the central defence. A defence which has had to cope with a lot of key injuries this season. An injury hit defence that would have wiped out many other teams, more so with the difficulty of the teams Everton had to face at the start of this season. So I’ll try not to jinx them, or mention that Coleman is looking more like his old self and it’s interesting that the pendulum has swung to our right hand side as being the main creative force. And then you read Leighton Baines is nearly back, what a time to be alive. Tim Howard in the nets.

We have a talented young team and it’s managed well. It is developing and pissing over weaker teams for fun. What could go wrong? Well World War 3 for example. Remind me who was champions at the outbreak of the previous two wars? So Turkey, if you’re reading this can you at least let us enjoy Deulofeu for a little while longer please.

I wrote this preview on my phone stood at a hotel bar, nursing a beer on my own like a proper billy. The phone distraction didn’t work so I conclude this in a hotel disco with temporary convenient strangers from different countries, and complete personal disregard for a long day travelling tomorrow. Sometimes it’s good to just go with the flow. Get carried by the wave and not worry about the bill for two million pounds that the postman will bring tomorrow.

So crush them Everton, one weekend at a time.