Everton v Bournemouth Preview

So, flip flops on?

Or you pure fuming? Or a mixture of the two maybe? Or apathy even.

Whatever is your chosen approach to this weekend’s game it’s going ahead and it’s very likely to be presided over by Roberto Martinez, only the 18th man that’s ever existed to call himself the full time Everton manager.

For such a meaningless game there’s the promise of thrills and spills as apparently tennis balls are in the equation, or white handkerchiefs. And a plane too, which is sound as we usually win when protest planes occupy the airspace over L4.

Seriously though, if you’re considering the handkerchiefs then you really need to switch the foreign footie off, shave off your beard and take a long good luck in the mirror. You’d rightfully get ripped to shreds in the pub if you told your mate you took a hankie to a footie match to wave it about as though you’re some disgruntled Spaniard.

What you playing at? Take a step back from the footie for a moment and consider you’re maybe a little too carried away.

Banners are sound though. And boos. They’ve been shifting under performing Everton managers long term. And we have one of them at present.

First one to hit the plane with a tennis ball takes the grand prize though.

It’s them sort of times.

Normally at this point I’d take a look back at the previous game with a hopefully on-the-pulse-synopsis catching the general reaction and mood regarding it. But the bunch of shithouses dropped the spoils in injury time, again, so no doubt you’ve chewed over it enough.

Onwards Evertonians. To a meaningless game against Bournemouth, unless you’re fighting to save your job that is.

So what can we expect about Bournemouth? An organised team devoid of many big names who are disciplined, well drilled and play for their manager. Their manager also happens to be an Evertonian in Eddie Howe. He’s been pitched in the mix to be the 19th man to manage Everton full time but I find all the new manager speculation tedious, as it turns into a massive X-Factor off with too many teds invested in who they truly believe is the best man for the job. If it happens it’s best to wait and see, and give them some time to implement their ideas and ethos – like three seasons perhaps – and then take it from there and decide what to do next.

Has it been said that Eddie Howe looks like an Ewok pin up yet? Apologies if so.

Bournemouth were wrote off by so many this season and when they cruelly lost so many key players to injury it was almost a forgone conclusion in October that they would be sent packing back down.

So it’s with credit that they’ve shown a good amount of resolve and churned out some pretty consistent results playing incisive football which can be pleasing on the eye. Well in Bournemouth, you’ve placed both Villa and Newcastle in the relegation mire because of this so that’s a service to football you’re doing right there. Put Norwich on that list too, if ever a Rugby League crowd of beauts existed in football then that’s them.

I really don’t know too much about Bournemouth fans to offer any cruel stereotypes on them, the few I’ve met have been sound enough, I get the impression they’re like southern wools. I suppose life is all round easier when you have a nice beach on the doorstep and favourable summer weather. I wonder if they’re free from stolen XR2is doing reverse Js and doughnuts on their beach as you’d sometimes find on Formby in 1989? Or knobheads shouting “it’s ok he’s harmless” as some form of possibly banned devil dog rags over to you barking with acidic saliva thrashing from it’s jaws? Dogs need banning off beaches, as anyone who’s stood in dogturd in bare feet will testify. Seriously, size of them jellyfish though.

They’ve got nothing to fear much so I expect them to come at either a weak willed Everton team, or maybe an Everton team that’s trying it’s damndest to get it’s manager jibbed. Maybe a little from both. You decide dear reader.

The Goodison crowd currently is more hostile to it’s own than the opposition and they will know it.

Are you arsed about who they will play against us? Me neither, we should beat them but probably won’t. I’ll swerve the customary player list.

As for whoever will play for us, you can probably guess it.

Lukaku up front who’s been off the boil for a matter of time now, he missed a few good chances at Wembley but is still one of our finest strikers in a long time, even if his shins were made of rubber for the semi final. He’ll probably leave us and we’ll probably lament another missed chance to build something good at Everton, but with the game being how it is now there’ll be more of that.

For a lad so talented and with a build that would have Purple Aki courting him round town, Ross Barkley seemingly is a bit vulnerable when it comes to mindset. No sweat as he’s still a young lid but I hope we get an environment soon where he realises that he’s got loads more than pretty much most sharing the pitch with him.

Out wide we are struggling with a whole host of wingers, and some not wingers, and not one of them in any sort of form. Martinez’s system relies on this width and pace (usually only on the right side) so it’s absence compounds the team’s troubles further. Remember when Deulofeu terrified teams? Mirallas too? I don’t get the persistence with playing central players on that left wing either. It’s not yielded us much in three years. I weep inside for the loss of an ace Steven Pienaar out there. I bet Baines does too.

Midfield will be Barry and McCarthy, you know this as much as turning up at your Grandparent’s house on a Friday and asking what’s for tea. It’s fish you tit.

Jagielka seems to have played through that pain barrier the pundits talk about and goosed whatever ligament was holding up. So we’ve got ourselves some Stones and someone else until Funes Mori returns. I’d give a young lad like Pennington a go. I’d be inclined give a few more young lads a go as it may generate some interest and a bit of anticipation of the future. Can’t be arsed checking if Coleman is fit so someone will play there, Besic tried to cope admirably but that United front three ripped him and his jarg sleeve tattoo right apart. Such are the pressures of top flight football. Baines will probably be left back and Robles will be in goal.

Difficult to write previews in such times. There’s an air of unrest all over the show and it’s a shame as that Everton thing fills a big void in your weekend and when it’s going sound it contributes to many day dreams during the week, which helps pass the tedium of an average working week.

If last week was an audition then Everton completely shithoused it. That’s not an isolated incident but it gets a bit boring after a while and that’s what showing. In particular a young generation of fans growing up watching Everton spew it time and time again has created restlessness as they’ve found their voice. The advent of Moshiri and his apparent wealth to the picture takes away limitations in the minds of many. I’m Everton honed sceptical so I’ll wait and see, others don’t want to wait much longer as years tick by without any sort of recordable success for our honours list. I get that unrest like.

All these insults and demonising though? There’s no doubt Everton need to do better and here’s hoping there’s a plan in place to make that happen soon. If you’re reading this and splashing spittle at the screen including the words “Catalan clown” “El Fraudo” (you give Benidorm a bad name you ted) or assorted other cringey insults then splash some cold water on your face and focus on the results and performance instead. The statistics are sufficiently damning. That’s what will get him jibbed off, not man-virgins into wrestling over enthusiastically characterising an Everton manager as an evil heel.

On the flip side it’s quite possible to be a nice man and at the same time tell the Bayern Munich manager where to go when your team are rough-housing them out of a European final. That stuff resonates with us. Shithousery is seldom tolerated within the confines of Goodison and I reckon it’s been a part of why we’ve spent so many seasons in the highest league English football can offer. All we’re seeing is shithousing right now. Manager, players, all associated. It needs to be eradicated and soon.

But I’m rambling now and chatting wham. I’ve also talked too much about Everton and Martinez disappointing me than I intended.

The end of season may sanctuary for many. I’d much rather be somewhere warm and without football to ponder. With my flip flops on.