Everton v Spurs

It’s back. That weekend headache and thrashing rage of Everton putting you in a bad mood as they fail to live up to your expectations.

The best there ever was, swear to God.

You still love them though. It’s ok, you keep a secret? I do too.

So what’s new for this season? What changes or difference to previous seasons are there that can give us misplaced optimism? Quite a few actually. We’ll cover probably not even half of them, if you are so kind to read on.

Big Ron Koe, with a face like Bjork’s mother ate some peanuts and was allergic to them, is now at the helm since we last previewed. It’s been heralded widely as a good thing but we’re that shy at being bitten that we’ll all go along with it until the point the majority of us are fuming at him, or even if we win something, Imagine that?

The “best squad in a generation or two” is being fiddled with or dismantled depending on your point of view. We’re a-fresh. Gonna build ourselves a defence, nice and tight. A keeper. A keeper who comes for crosses and doesn’t do shadow-kung-up at balls from thirty yards which sail over his head. A midfield that moves the ball forward. Some wingers that play the exciting togger and get the ball in the box early. And forwards who score, and don’t have dads that chatter utter bilge to the media when they’re on international break.

And Yannick Bolasie. Not sure where to categorise him yet but we’ll see.

In truth the above probably won’t be achieved in total because that’s not how we roll and a few years from now we’ll be back to this same point. But starts are exciting, whether it be a new manager, players or season. Or relationships. Or new houses. It’s the promise of better times to come for something you’re invested in, hope. Only Reds would claim that hope is a dangerous thing.

Before you think you’ve turned onto a really low grade discussion on the Bella website let me point out right here and now that Spurs are more tolerable than many other Premier League sides and that makes for a dull preview, therefore the Chas n Dave swinging cockmonkeys will receive some feigned partisanship as it’s not like these previews offer anything than that, or a desperate bog read.

Spurs probably reached their high tide mark last season. Everyone’s got a high tide mark. Paul Ince in his first game managing Blackburn. Killers with their fantastic first album. Even Pink Floyd with The Wall had a high tide mark. Adidas in the eighties. Sayers in the nineties. Bouncers in town with those jarg flying Cream Jackets checking you’ve got kecks and shoes on. Film blimping with Weird Science and Mannequin. Maybe you, that one night on garys with that bird you lament on Facebook now for settling down without you. Your own hair and some wedge left a week before payday.

Spurs are this season gonna be fighting against Man Utd, Man City, Arsenal, Chelsea, maybe another Leicester and even Liverpool in the mix for top six. They had a golden window last season and in a manner we can completely empathise with they spunked it far too early. Maybe like you, on garys with that bird you lament on Facebook now for settling down without you.

Leicester took the spoils and the memories which will keep them warm in cold winters for the rest of their days. Spurs finished third in a two horse race. Sure there’s some young players who will get better and a progressive coach but deep down they know, as you do, that it’s not that way. Moyes in the season we finished fourth. It’s just a question of how bored they get of Pochettino from this point onwards, if he keeps them around European places then he could get a Moyes like run. But modern day football fans are not a patient species.

They’re gonna wham us on Saturday and no mistake so what about their fans? They’re not a bad sort. They’re a bit clinging onto the reputation of the club which is usually at odds with placement in the league but then others would say the same about us. They’re too close to their liking to a horde of complete and utter texan reds who they call rivals, and that builds character. Truth be told I’ve always been attracted by the tradition and romanticism of Spurs so it’s hard to criticise them. It really is a shitty away day with that Tottenham Court Road being like some superstate Lark Lane of the future, but their fans suffer and that suffering in fans makes for an easier relation with other fans.

Two league titles is an embarrassment though, and FA Cups used to mean something until that time Man Utd wanted to play in Brazil instead. That slurred Spurs Go Marching In song gnaws at my skull like the onset of winter depression. And Beckford’s goal on the last day v Chelsea was miles better than any goal Ricky Villa ever scored.

They also started the riots a few years ago which nearly killed us all because some lad who was a jarg gangster and would have struggled to take a road in Nogsy got shot. That’s on you Spurs.

A new feature to these previews will be “but how did they vote in the brexit referendum?” as it will denote the perception and general xenophobia of the area our opponents hail from.

I’m pleased to say that the borough of Haringey where Spurs hail from voted 76% to REMAIN. Another reason to go easy on them, well in.

Pochettino is challenging Koeman in the swollen allergic face competition but is much more of a handsome cad, if that’s your type. He’s assembled a bunch of good footballers but then every single Spurs manager since WWII has achieved that, it’s just that they struggle to put them together to achieve anything. Let them be fighting over Paul Holmes, Matt Jackson and Earl Barret for right back before they start crying foul.

A quick run down of their most important players:

Harry Kane: could shelter two boats of Syrian refugees on a Greek sea with the underhang of his nose, before trying to become a father figure to the kids on board, offering them shelter and belonging if they’d only pick a pocket or two.

Delle Ali: when he’s finished being sucked off by journalists hopefully he can get back on his BMX and start terroring the younger kids outside the school gates on Friday.

Wanyama: a barrel chested slug who turns up for the big games like some low grade Yaya Toure.

Erik Lamela: cracking player.

Eric Dier: MOYLES.

Danny Rose: the archetypal play for Spurs, play for England underwhelming player.

Lloris: right out of something that Herge would write, the alluring wet fart.

That’s your Spurs.

Everton then.

Lukaku is still on the books but not sure if he will start due to some weird injury or him generally not wanting to be playing for Everton. He’s ace and we would struggle, probably unsuccessfully, to replace him but if he gets that titty lip on then he got to be Stones’d out of here at a price that suits us. Of course if this is conjecture then we’ll all celebrate him scoring ace goals this season and lots of them. To be honest it bores me a little with these queg footie boot wearing plums demanding Everton match their ambition. Jog on if you try that shit with us.

Behind him will probably be Barkley who needs to really kick on this season, like every season for the past four years. Nothing more to comment there, hope he does. Out wide will probably be Deulofeu who could soon be the absolute darling of the Street End as our anointed best player and last great hope. Well, until Bolaise destroys Carlisle in the cup, and before he’d subbed at half time v Leicester as we’re two goals down just three days later. Maybe Mirallas on the other wing? Who knows? Our start of season for real may very well be after the transfer window has closed.

These things take time and of course nothing will be the same again. Except Everton.

From pre season you’d have to guess that the beautiful eye of Ron:Koe has spotted that Barry is our most effective midfielder by a mile and therefore he will start. Choose one from Gueye, McCarthy and my outside pick Cleverley to get over ran by Spurs in the middle.

John Stones has left. Long live John Stones. Nah only messing Ashley Williams is a fantastic defender and will give us the illusion of being better until John Stones kicks on gets sold to Barcelona for over £100m. Probably Funes Mori along side him who must be twitching at this defenders coming in and Koeman speaking about ‘proper defenders”. Leighton Baines, and how we need a good season from him, and Seamus Coleman ditto, as full backs and I’d guess secret Godfather to Koeman’s children Stekelenburg in goal.

Probably a little bit underwhelming than you was hoping for first game but patience and not pissing the bed too early on is apparently the method of this beautiful new era.

One thing’s for sure, the type of footie Koeman believes in is more suited to Evertonians than the previous manager. So hopefully that will give a patient platform until toxic blancmange faced Dutchman can twiddle enough levers of the good ship Everton to steer her to the new world.

In the meantime enjoy re familiarising yourself to your favourite weekend drinking holes and rituals. In the constant changing world of Everton it’s nice to take such soothing comforts.

Pleased to see you again. What’s our name?