Everton v West Ham Preview

Stepping into some big shoes to fill here, not his hat so go easy please.

Lets start it off up here and work our way down as per this seasons current trend.

*taps microphone.

“The opportunity to secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands, but the opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself.”

Sun Tzu himself probably couldn’t have put out a side to break down the gutsy Burnley backline in last weeks heartbreaker and he wrote books about that kind of stuff. We done what City done to us the week before, but in true Everton fashion we conceded a second with the only the second time they got in our half with the last meaningful kick of the game. Everton why do you hate us?. Nothing spoils your weekend knowing that you just spent ninety minutes knowing the script was being written and your favourite character was going to get his eye popped out right at the end. He didn’t get the girl. He would never hear the new cry of his unborn child. He got his face re-arranged thanks to some git and you knew it was coming the whole time.

Spin the Wheel Everton, week to week we never fail to thrill or spill such is the fragile nature of this teams mentality. Surely a hangover from the Martinez School of turn up whenever you like and don’t worry about doing that homework and smoke this everything will be Phenomenal, Man. Sack the lot and get some new ones please Mr. Moshiri.

But that, how they say in Good Old Trump’s USA, is how the cookie crumbles. Tough Titties. Its what makes the Premier League the hottest subscription sports service in der Werld and you’ll be back at the table for another serving hoping to get the bad taste out of your mouth as soon as humanly possible.

Who’s next? West Ham. Great. The running track Stadium soccerbrawlers from Stratford. Everyone’s second least favourite team rocks up to Goodison Park to try again to do what they did to us back in March. Three goals in 12 Martinez Minutes was a deep cut. Lukaku had missed a Penalty (and blamed for the loss) which would have made it three-zip for us even with Mirallas seeing a second yellow before halftime; and Niasse for Lennon on 76 would go down in infamy. It would move the Hammers up to 5th and see us stagnating in 11th with 10 games to go of the season and ferment my opinion of Nolan as being a prize tit. More recently, as of today, they’ve seen off Chelsea 2-1 in the EFL Cup to make it three on the spin. They only made two changes from the weekend, one being Randolph so we won’t have a better chance to test them at the back end of a match and hopefully give it right back to them.

It’s difficult to see what Bilic will do having put all his eggs in the Cup but with only Stoke on the Horizon before the vacuum of International togger, form could trump fitness. The Hammers playing roster produces an endless supply of beauts so we could be facing anyone. Except the the 35 million pound man who surprise surprise is crocked.And Jelavic who now plays in…China?

What are we currently Everton? A seemingly endless crisis of confidence wrapped in a meringue of slow build ups suspended in a blancmange of negativity. A dead set falafel if ever you’ve eaten one. Out Barcelona’ing Barcelona with none of the actual players Barcelona possess was a fools errand from the get go. It was a daring dream but that dream was followed into a dark alley, rolled and it’s new trainers pinched and slung over the phone lines on the way home. The Premier Leagues traditional minnows have all risen markedly in ability over the past few years so theres no easy games. No one way to win. It doesn’t matter how many times you box clever alls it takes sometime is one vicious haymaker. Burnley showed getting into an attacking position as early as you can is the most effective way of unbalancing your opponent today and as we dither and dally prodding the ball around without putting the ball in the box and turning around defenders, we’ll always flatter to deceive. Koeman, who’s face you’d probably produce if you tried to bake a Dolph Lungdren themed pastry, needs to quicken the tempo. And quick.

As for the eleven lucky enough to be granted a starting berth in Blue, Stek fluffed his lines but wasn’t helped by his defensive teleprompters.. but honestly who else you gonna call? Davek has finally willed his want into Phil Jagielkas Universe and given him a nasty case of the defensive DT’s. Stop reading Daves posts Phil. He got too fierce a game for you. Barkley has all the skills we dream about but imposing himself on a match in a meaningful way seems to be thinking out of his skill set at the minute. He gets a lot of air time amongst Evertonians and rightly so. It’s make or break in many a mind and the sooner he starts dictating play with some pace the better. Chase the ball down Tiger. Bolasie will never live up to the price tag but he’s going about it the right way. Williams Barry and Gana pick themselves. Mirallas was invisible last week when he should have stood up. Whats he done this season? Jib all. Where’s Lennon? Where’s last seasons killer pass and impetuously cocky catalan hair whip Del? Lukaku can phone it in and still do the business but I think it will be the last season we’ll get out of him before bigger fish circle. I maintain that Raiola had already made so much money during the last window he had to keep Romelu on ice for 17/18’s tax return.

Will Baines be fit? I hope so, I’ve seen enough of Oviedo to realise he’ll never be the answer to any of our Left back questions. Cross it FFS Seamus.

An important game in the scheme of a season of important games. If your lucky enough to go, spare a thought for little Rhys, say a prayer for the fallen in the great war, a hail mary under the edifice that is Big Joe, clap like the clappers four times and let the Gwladys suck that ball into that net.

Three points please.

Over and out.