Everton v Tottenham Hotspur

Amongst Evertonians’ many varied talents is their ability to skilfully articulate their anger towards their club, and the deep resentment this causes in other areas of their life.

For all intents and purposes they’re a dormant volcano just sat there, you know, simmering away even when the Richter is long defunct. You don’t need its smoke to remind of it’s fury, but it helps to note the tell tale signs that impossibly hot lava is coming to scorch all that dares resist it’s path. It’s a lesson in futility to try and divert it, more so to try stop it. You just gotta let that shit flow until it reaches the sea and burns out. All that is buried, incinerated below it’s path is then gone. Not forgotten, but gone. And then maybe you have a finite period again of hopefully relative peace to rebuild the beautiful spaces of calm you previously enjoyed and hope for better days. Better days that have been long time coming.

All of this does however come with some benefit. The fume released in pubs, households, on the phone, online and everywhere you find Evertonians expressing themselves during these periods is now, finally, out. Any good therapist (the talking type, not Ronaldo) will tell you it’s always better out then in. It allows us all a release, to try articulate feelings in spoken form thus unravelling the many traumas locked deep in our psyche that Everton have inflicted. Without exception, all Evertonians are damaged goods, ask anyone who’s been unfortunate to date one for the least favourite tantrums they’re been subjected to in our name. They’ll list times and places vividly where moods were crushed, weekends were ruined by our eruption. Mount Dar, if you will. With respect this is applicable to all genders as Dar(didn’t win)ism is a state of mind.

The Wolves game was a smorgasbord of shite for many reasons with my personal main issue of contention being how we started the game. Not because it was the period that lost us the game as, with the best of will, you can concede goals or just not get going. No, the tepid start was an expression on how much the players wanted to react to the humiliation by Watford nine days earlier. That the Manager and his players had nine fucking days to stew over and dissect the Watford performance, and plot a reaction. A show of resilience, character, fortitude, pride. Instead we watched a very average opposition take the piss out of Everton perhaps even easier than Watford managed to.

That Everton picked up in the second half matters not really. That was as much Wolves running themselves out and ever so casually protecting the points. The damage was done even if Everton nabbed an unlikely equaliser or winner. The statement of a lack of backbone amongst those out there was made clear, once again, from the same players, under yet another manager.

Benitez has talked notably about exactly the qualities Evertonians expect from their players, which was pretty much the polar opposite of what was on show last Monday. Never mind the opportunity to make their statement for their future inclusion. I’d have them shipped out before another manager, even if that Manager was Clive Thomas. Half a billion of Moshiri money has ladled us with shithouses who’ve failed multiple auditions.

That apart it’s par for the course really under new leadership to have ups and downs so I’m not sweating too much yet, even if four straight defeats is entering ‘scientists urging to evacuate the island ASAP’ territory.

A problem with previewing Spurs is that I don’t mind sharing a league with them which limits the amount of spite I can throw their way, therefore denying any morsel of enjoyment that any unfortunate bastard may take from these previews. Sure, you may have your reason to dislike them, and those reasons may be very valid, but I’ve been subject to many Spurs fans in person over my time, and online, and they’ve came across pretty well – save for the smattering of knobheads that you find anywhere really. It could be that Spurs themselves are oft mistaken for a big hill when they too are a volcanic cone. Subject to the stuff I delved too deep into above.

You see volcanos recognise volcanos, some occasionally share lava. Mount Chazandave right now has just finished spewing all sorts of hot air and noxious gases, with its magma leaving the Portuguese command centre buried in its wake. That’s enough of the poor metaphors just in time for me to state that they’ve just got one of the potentially the world’s best managers and that their trajectory is looking up. The anxiety in all our brains is telling us their fight back starts Sunday at Goodison, and Evertonians may hope the first half at Wolves is highly contagious for our Sunday sakes.

The Lillywhites do have many notable performers that have smited us on their day but have been a disjointed mess since their ex leader won the ill fated Manager Of The Month award all that time back in two months ago. The obvious is Captain England Harry Kane with his autonomous jaw and look of someone loyal to Bill Sykes, and Bill Sykes alone. Kane is a sublime footballer of many skills and the lack of a top Colombian shithouser in our ranks is gonna make him hard to stop, but that’s what needs doing if Everton to get anything from this. There’s many other talents too that with requisite confidence and care could make the game – just someone hurt Son – uncomfortable, but sack this defeatism we’re at Goodison, let us – sack the ball just go through the back of the bad Seoul snake – impose our will onto the opposition through snapping into every tackle like our sanity depends on it and getting right at their vulnerable throats. Backed of course by the sound of angry, tanked up, expectant, roaring lava. I can’t be arsed speaking about Tottenham much more so sorry if you clicked this for – fuck waiting for the field fucking rag him in the tunnel, blindside him and don’t stop until Kim Jong-Un is declaring a holiday in Everton‘s honour – any sort of insight as to what the opposition may offer.

Onto Everton then and from Benitez’s press conference (never ever to be referred to as a “presser” you tits) there doesn’t appear to be much calvary returning to help the cause. That means Mina, Doucoure and DCL remaining sidelined with Digne back in training at least, and fuck me he owes us a good game.

Of course Richarlison will be one game fitter although the combinations up front last time out didn’t really work so may need some tinkering there. Midfield is a big concern as we’ve been subjected to all the qualities of marshmallow in there since Doucoure went. The subsequent scrambling for solutions has somehow ended up with Fabian Delph being our best bet so it will likely be him and Allan in there for this. Or maybe Benitez will go for a third midfielder, in which case doubt it will be Gbamin who looks exactly like a player returning to a new league after two years out, might be something – ITS NOT ENOUGH TO DO HIS ANKLE LIKE HE DID TO GOMES AW HELL NAH WHACK HIM SO HARD HIS ANCESTORS FEEL IT – to think on if we’re feeling like getting on his back a tad. Can guess who the wide players are but Gordon is looking like he may trouble that soon.

Can’t be arsed surmising the defence nor keeper. You know who they are, even if they don’t themselves right now.

It’s a shitty period but a culmination of five years of poor decisions that brought us to this place. We’ve had plenty practice coping with them. Gotta hope we kick on and get out of the tailspin, even if the fixtures ahead look prohibitive to that.

Might be an idea for Everton to just do what Goodison expects then, no quarter given from the first whistle, win your battles, hurt them. Especially Son. And see what happens from there.

If not then the threat from the big smoke might not be on the pitch, but instead bubbling away in the stands.