Just how do you fix a problem like Everton?
Many have tried and failed, some rare ones have succeeded but in recent times it has transgressed into a most foul opera and bordering on parody. Everton are now an example to others of how not to get wealthy and get even shitter, at least we have a niche.
The royal blue spotlight shines again on the touchline this weekend as the fist pumping Stirling masochist called Ferguson is back in the hot seat with Everton shitting water into a toilet that they yet may fall into. I called him a masochist because after a 28 year association he hasn’t yet fucked off and bought a nice place in Bridge Of Allan or up in the Ochils to see out his days. Fishing in Lubnaig or Earn, grimacing at the sky and with a breath of maggots. Sending a photo of the occasional rainbow trout to Ancelotti who vows to spend time in Scotland once Madrid fire him.
Obviously Ferguson is paid decent for it but not as much as Moshiri has spent on those before him. A lot, a very lot, of people have been paid ridiculously well in wage and severance since Moshiri has taken over, for failure. He should be fuming with both them, those around him and very much, himself.
Moshiri knew the stakes with appointing Benitez, it was a huge gamble and a divisive one for an already fractured fanbase. It lasted six months. Hopefully in the absence of a director of football, a first team manager, a head of fitness, a head of scouting he can appoint the first position on that list and then step the fuck back from the football, but do you have any faith that he, they, will get this appointment right?
Anyway there’s many others much better suited than me to muse over owners and directors and managers than I, I’m just here mostly out of bad habit and seeking weekend distraction. I don’t give much of a fuck over their budget or manager’s supposed philosophy. I just want Everton to win games on weekends with a heavy dose of snide and shithousery thrown in so other’s fans are raging at the injustice of it all. I might even tweet them and rub it in, depends on how drunk I get and if my phone battery lasts.
This weekend’s matinee is the visit of Aston Villa to Goodison, as they look to confound…actually fuck it let’s just get down to it. Fuck right off you micro fodded title shitting bad bad bad kopite texan. I have less interest in the result than Gerrard being monstered, no, humiliated, at Goodison this weekend. A nice result would probably help that but irregardless from the get go he should be hounded by both staff and fans alike. There should be no professional courtesy shown to someone who despises Everton nearly as much as Evertonians do. He’s a threat to our prestigious self loathing. Fuck the DJ bullying self obsessed ferret, if anyone can spear him with a foot long I’ll forever be in their debt. Ferguson will be well aware he’s interviewing for a job he covets while on the touch line this weekend and I can think of no bigger attribute proving suitability to role than antagonising that obnoxious dos perros slag into a reaction then using it as mandate to web him the four corners of the pitch. Please God let him lose everything he hold dear in this world. Let him fester away with much resentment ending up broke and alone. A thousand plugs on the soles of his hairy feet. I’d love to punch him in the sack.
As for the rest of what Aston Villa may bring you’ll find that better from any worthwhile match preview. I’m just here to hate on the manager, point out John McGinn is a shaved Ewok and if you filled up Lucas Digne’s eye sockets with liquid you get half a pint each cavity. Whoever is playing on the right for us best do him too. He stands between us and feeling better about the world this Saturday evening.
Customary post note to comment I don’t mind Villa fans except for that wee period when O’Neill and Moyes were vying for trickle down topfournomics, like begging dogs, and some of their fans tried to develop a wrestling style rivalry with us. Fuck off lads and just watch the footie.
I’ve no idea who Ferguson will play and in what formation. He did mention playing the best players in their best positions so his interpretation of that will be interesting at least, as long as he realises we don’t have the legs in midfield to play a two against anyone with a functioning thyroid. It would be a lesson in futility trying to pad this preview out second guessing that team, and more so because anyone who’s had the misfortune to interact with me will realise I’m tactically dumb. Move your salt cellars around the table if you want, you teds, I just wanna see Gerrard and Digne in absolute agony, inside and out. Roll on the pantomime.
In a week of everyone having an opinion on Everton it’s got too complicated for me. I occasionally poke fun at the PASHYUN LAD NSNO types but this weekend I’m sat firmly with him, their overpriced hiking clothing which has never seen a hill, their worrying slow march into populism and appreciation of a vape shop. We are legion. Everton need something to cheer right now and something to cheer together. Or even better than that, something to jeer together that’s not our own team. We got that this Saturday.
No pretence, no hysteria, no looking too far ahead, just right here and now. A Saturday evening glow. So how can Everton be fixed? By spearing Aston Villa’s manager with a foot long hot dog, that’s how.
What’s our name?