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Anelka - "It's not me. It's everyone else"

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Thats not real at all.

Just like that he slapped me across the face with his penis. Just once. But it knocked me back a few steps. It was like being struck by a wet kipper. No one could believe what they saw! Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to be smacked across the face with a 14″ pork sword in front of your team mates?
 

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Wenger comments

Arsene Wenger took time out of his busy pre match schedule to address the hyperbole surrounding the imminent release of Nicolas Anelka’s new autobiography “It’s not me. It’s everyone else.”
As reported earlier this week the Guardian have serialised excerpts of the book where Anelka claims he was hounded out of Arsenal by the bully boy tactics of Patrick Vieira and that he was assaulted in the Arsenal dressing room. An accusation which Wenger was keen to down play.
“There are elements of truth to the story,” stated Wenger, holding his hands up, “I’ll be straight with you, Vieira’s meat cleaver is pretty big. Huge in fact. I doubt a giraffe could deep throat him. I don’t think I can exaggerate it enough to be honest.”
So is there any merit to the accusation that Vieira hit Anelka with it after the Fulham game?
“Well that thing had a life of it’s own,” said the Professor, shifting uneasily in his seat, “I mean, people don’t appreciate what a burden it was for the poor guy, we had to put a sign up in the showers saying Vieira couldn’t walk around naked. Which was pretty hard to enforce but was necessary. If something caught his attention he could turn suddenly and WHACK he’d clock something with it, break some furnishings or knock a dwarf out. That sort of thing. Overmars was out for two weeks once with a dead leg like that. We had to tell the press he did it in training. It was a nightmare.”
So did Vieira intentionally strike Anelka? Or was Arsene evading the question to protect his former captain?
“Well let’s put it like this. I think if he intentionally struck Anelka round the face with it, and really followed through, then he wouldn’t be around to write an autobiography. If you catch my drift. Unless he wrote it in a Stephen Hawkins, one button at a time with his nose, sort of way. So yeah it was an accident and Anelka should grow up. And that’s the last I’m saying on Penis Gate.”
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Nicolas Anelka is said to be feeling both ‘distraught’ and ‘betrayed’ after none of his loyal fans turned up on Monday 11th August for the signing of his latest book, controversial autobiography ‘It’s not me. It’s everyone else’ at WH Smith’s flagship store in Knightsbridge.
The Crab has received word that the Chelsea star, promoting his autobiography on a nationwide book tour ahead of the new season, is said to have been cursing his luck that he chose to have the signing during one of the hottest days of the summer.
“It was probably the most humiliating thing that had ever happened to him,” said shop assistant Carrie Parker, who clearly hadn’t read excerpts from his autobiography. “There wasn’t a soul in the shop!”
However Anelka, who has a knack of turning lemons into lemonade, just said ‘c’est le vie!’ and mucked in with the staff during their monthly stock take.
“All was going fine, Anelka was counting up all the Stephen King novels and joking around with us when suddenly a look came across his face like someone had walked over his grave. When we turned around we realised that someone was standing in the main doors. Patrick Vieira.”
“It was like something out of High Noon!” Said regional manager Gavin Marshall, “Vieira was just stood there, silhouetted against the glass doors grinning away with a huge baguette protruding from his Sainsbury’s bag – and that’s not a metaphor, I think he’d literally just been food shopping, but I think there was a message in that. Anyway, they just stared at each other for a few seconds before Vieira, calm as you like, chuckled to himself and put his finger to his lips. It was bloody creepy. Then, casually as you like, he left like nothing had happened. I’m not ashamed to say I was frightened for my life.”
Nicolas Anelka however has sworn to persevere with the release of his new book:-
“The world must know the truth. I draw strength from these ordeals and will continue to walk in the light, I will not be bullied from my righteous path, I turn the other cheek – both spiritually, and if necessary, literally.”
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