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Hi mate, I used to be in a similar situation. Im 40 this year. Drugs and alcohol were the main part of my life for 20 years. Along with all my mates all who are really successful career wise. I've got a young son now and up until quite recently was getting wasted without telling anyone and drinking really heavily. On the outside I can hide it really well. I can drink a few cans and couple of bottles wine and appear sober. Like you I hated myself even while I was doing it. For me everything starts after a drink I don't get violent, or annoying or anything I just keep going. I then get depressed because the next day I didn't deal with stuff that was stressing me out and the longer I leave it the worse it gets. So I decided something had to change as I didn't want my son growing up thinking bad of me although I've had a thoroughly enjoyable life the party has now ended for me. Drinking is the gateway for me and I had a mate come stay who recommended a book to me. It's been 22 days without any booze for me and imnot even craving it. Try reading Allen Carr stop drinking now. In regards to your mates, we all have that banter but it's the ones who help you through this when they recognise the seriousness of your situation who are your real mates. But I would tell the mates you trust. Sad to hear about that lady but at that age I don't think you are aware of adult feelings and consequences. Even now depression is only just being talked about amongst adults as harsh as you were im sure it was the deeper issues and lack of adult support that was the main factor. You were 9 mate. I was still pooping my pants then. Take care mate and remember you aren't alone. You might even find if you open up there's mates in similar situations