And breathe. That’s right, relax and think happy thoughts. Everything is gonna be ok now, you will see.
The potent cocktail of a sound derby thrashing and a non-fruitful deadline day – HOW DARE THEY – TELL EM SKY – TELL THEM WHAT THEY ARE – has left many of you in a tiz. Not meaning to be patronising as I still don’t like Everton much after Tuesday but things don’t need to be in one of two extreme camps – it’s perfectly acceptable on the internet to have moderate thoughts. Honestly it is.
Lets revisit that happy place. First the derby: it happened and you can’t put the sh*t back in the donkey can you? It leaves us hardly spinning out of control. Weve had 3 league defeats all season and stand a mere four points off fourth place. Playing some nice togger too.
The transfer window: we got rid of Jelavic – for actual money – and Heitinga, neither of which have made a meaningful contribution to this season’s relative success. In came McGeady permanently and Traore on loan. We didn’t go hell for leather on some exotic sounding South American lid who is likely to not be all that. Leighton Baines has signed a long term contract and will be doing all sorts of naughty in an Everton shirt for your viewing pleasure. Could have been better? Aye it could. Could have been worse, defo.
And you’re back in the room. You feeling good? Take it easy when you stand up. Got no idea why your belt is unbuckled and where your iPhone went. You sure you brought it with you?
A rather different approach to a match preview but I hope it helps as in the past three days it would seem our entire season and fanbase have done a massive Harlem Shake and chaos reigns supreme again on the good ship Goodison. Not that we can’t handle chaos – we’ve known enough of it.
So this week’s lambs to a fast passing slaughter are executive lesbian Paul Lambert’s Aston Villa. Yay! Just what we need, a prescription for four-toothed inbred zany. After the mid week happenings its like getting jumped on the way home from school then in the next street having an angry Jack Russell charge you: its time for some revenge.
Villa are having a weird season again. It wasn’t too long ago that they were shoulder to shoulder with us for the hideous titled best of the rest cup. And how they crowed. I need to disclaim here that I know a few really sound `Villa fans – but not dissimilar to the black and white bells of the great north when you put them together the lunatics take over the asylum.
The thing is that there’s no reason to be a tit. It is a fine club with a proud history and not to many annoyances apart from a 77 League Cup Final and a Bommy Night 6-2 stiff bumming. Hey these things happen. Its not for me to forgive them but I mean the no malice. Just sort the Superdry wearing screffs that follow you and keep them piped down from their hideous #banter. You cockmunching simpletons.
We’ve previously established that its roots might be in a lack of sea air – or having full stereo hearing and enduring a lifetime of that accent. Something’s got to give at some point. Their fans exhibit all the self loathing and attention seeking tendencies that you see on cheap afternoon gameshows. With genuinely rubbish tattoos and footwear – and misplaced temperamental friendships that end up in shouty hate matches on Facebook within 12 calendar months. But fear not – there’s a whole conveyor belt of poorly dressed bellwipes to take their place. Lets do Come Dine With Me? Actually scrap that – you badly hum and I want you nowhere near my property. Let me die alone in a bedsit with cats gnawing my mortal remains until my body is found. Its preferable to having you as a “mate”.
Benteke has been bitten by the Jelavic bug, if not quite as severe. The big lump looked a world beater last season before this year doing a fine impression of an off form Emile Heskey. Obviously there’s his man of the match performance lined up just from my hurtful words. Many wise men have pondered long hours the riddle of Gabriel Agbonlahor’s peculiar cranium – is it animal, mineral or vegetable? Or maybe he is the illegitimate son of the Mekon? Anyway, he’s struggling for this, which is sound as he usually nets against us. They did sign the Farmfoods-Roy-Of-The-Rovers in Grant Holt so he could play. Scraping the barrel here.
Sack it. They’re gonna play 4-3-3 with some average players but we shouldn’t under estimate them. They are tough proposition away from home and are perfectly set up with pace and counter attacking initiative to hurt us lest we get sloppy, or have an unsure hangover about ourselves. And edgy, nervous Goodison is the perfect petri dish for this bacteria to multiply so I hope we start off well.
So Everton then. I have swerved Everton thoughts to help the healing process. But it goes a little something like this....
Lukaku got injured by Barry trying to defend a Gerrard headed goal. Ace. He will now be out for a couple of weeks and our Pepe Le Peu headed raptor is not quite ready. So you’re going to see something like Mirallas and/or Naismith up front and I don’t know how it will pan out. Nor do I want to contemplate. Kudos to Kev though – he (and to a lesser extent Osman) was the only good thing to come out of midweek. He actually gave a sh*t and took it to them. Brownie points there. And how we need someone who can score for the next few weeks.
We really need Barkley to get match sharp again and start terrorising defences, him and the soon to be returning Deulofeu – with a face that defies his early years – are the magic that turns one point to three and your heart go whooooah.
Pienaar is as reliable as an Italian high court decision. He’s ducked out of one too many derbies for me too. If he plays, he owes. For the meantime it may be Osman.
Barry and McCarthy had their worse game together. It happens. They got caught out time and time again too far up the pitch and without a steady defence behind them.
That defence was so high that a bellend in a Red Bull spacesuit threw himself off it. Alcaraz disappears after playing more than a key Ukranian protestor. But with worse injuries. He’s now out for weeks with muscle fatigue, he’s had better games like. Jagielka was appalling too but that’s a rarity. Its gonna be him and Stones at the back with Hibbert at right back and the very handsome in a wee way Leighton Baines at left back. Contract signed – we just need him to find some form. Howard needs to have some sort of bungee cord attached to his waist and the crossbar to swerve them mad runs he’s prone to.
Martinez is always on about how players react to a bad pass or decision. I dearly hope they realise what type of Everton needs to come out to Z-cars on Saturday – a snarling Everton swinging at anything within swinging radius.
And that's your lot. Enough words, lets see them actions blues.
The potent cocktail of a sound derby thrashing and a non-fruitful deadline day – HOW DARE THEY – TELL EM SKY – TELL THEM WHAT THEY ARE – has left many of you in a tiz. Not meaning to be patronising as I still don’t like Everton much after Tuesday but things don’t need to be in one of two extreme camps – it’s perfectly acceptable on the internet to have moderate thoughts. Honestly it is.
Lets revisit that happy place. First the derby: it happened and you can’t put the sh*t back in the donkey can you? It leaves us hardly spinning out of control. Weve had 3 league defeats all season and stand a mere four points off fourth place. Playing some nice togger too.
The transfer window: we got rid of Jelavic – for actual money – and Heitinga, neither of which have made a meaningful contribution to this season’s relative success. In came McGeady permanently and Traore on loan. We didn’t go hell for leather on some exotic sounding South American lid who is likely to not be all that. Leighton Baines has signed a long term contract and will be doing all sorts of naughty in an Everton shirt for your viewing pleasure. Could have been better? Aye it could. Could have been worse, defo.
And you’re back in the room. You feeling good? Take it easy when you stand up. Got no idea why your belt is unbuckled and where your iPhone went. You sure you brought it with you?
A rather different approach to a match preview but I hope it helps as in the past three days it would seem our entire season and fanbase have done a massive Harlem Shake and chaos reigns supreme again on the good ship Goodison. Not that we can’t handle chaos – we’ve known enough of it.
So this week’s lambs to a fast passing slaughter are executive lesbian Paul Lambert’s Aston Villa. Yay! Just what we need, a prescription for four-toothed inbred zany. After the mid week happenings its like getting jumped on the way home from school then in the next street having an angry Jack Russell charge you: its time for some revenge.
Villa are having a weird season again. It wasn’t too long ago that they were shoulder to shoulder with us for the hideous titled best of the rest cup. And how they crowed. I need to disclaim here that I know a few really sound `Villa fans – but not dissimilar to the black and white bells of the great north when you put them together the lunatics take over the asylum.
The thing is that there’s no reason to be a tit. It is a fine club with a proud history and not to many annoyances apart from a 77 League Cup Final and a Bommy Night 6-2 stiff bumming. Hey these things happen. Its not for me to forgive them but I mean the no malice. Just sort the Superdry wearing screffs that follow you and keep them piped down from their hideous #banter. You cockmunching simpletons.
We’ve previously established that its roots might be in a lack of sea air – or having full stereo hearing and enduring a lifetime of that accent. Something’s got to give at some point. Their fans exhibit all the self loathing and attention seeking tendencies that you see on cheap afternoon gameshows. With genuinely rubbish tattoos and footwear – and misplaced temperamental friendships that end up in shouty hate matches on Facebook within 12 calendar months. But fear not – there’s a whole conveyor belt of poorly dressed bellwipes to take their place. Lets do Come Dine With Me? Actually scrap that – you badly hum and I want you nowhere near my property. Let me die alone in a bedsit with cats gnawing my mortal remains until my body is found. Its preferable to having you as a “mate”.
Benteke has been bitten by the Jelavic bug, if not quite as severe. The big lump looked a world beater last season before this year doing a fine impression of an off form Emile Heskey. Obviously there’s his man of the match performance lined up just from my hurtful words. Many wise men have pondered long hours the riddle of Gabriel Agbonlahor’s peculiar cranium – is it animal, mineral or vegetable? Or maybe he is the illegitimate son of the Mekon? Anyway, he’s struggling for this, which is sound as he usually nets against us. They did sign the Farmfoods-Roy-Of-The-Rovers in Grant Holt so he could play. Scraping the barrel here.
Sack it. They’re gonna play 4-3-3 with some average players but we shouldn’t under estimate them. They are tough proposition away from home and are perfectly set up with pace and counter attacking initiative to hurt us lest we get sloppy, or have an unsure hangover about ourselves. And edgy, nervous Goodison is the perfect petri dish for this bacteria to multiply so I hope we start off well.
So Everton then. I have swerved Everton thoughts to help the healing process. But it goes a little something like this....
Lukaku got injured by Barry trying to defend a Gerrard headed goal. Ace. He will now be out for a couple of weeks and our Pepe Le Peu headed raptor is not quite ready. So you’re going to see something like Mirallas and/or Naismith up front and I don’t know how it will pan out. Nor do I want to contemplate. Kudos to Kev though – he (and to a lesser extent Osman) was the only good thing to come out of midweek. He actually gave a sh*t and took it to them. Brownie points there. And how we need someone who can score for the next few weeks.
We really need Barkley to get match sharp again and start terrorising defences, him and the soon to be returning Deulofeu – with a face that defies his early years – are the magic that turns one point to three and your heart go whooooah.
Pienaar is as reliable as an Italian high court decision. He’s ducked out of one too many derbies for me too. If he plays, he owes. For the meantime it may be Osman.
Barry and McCarthy had their worse game together. It happens. They got caught out time and time again too far up the pitch and without a steady defence behind them.
That defence was so high that a bellend in a Red Bull spacesuit threw himself off it. Alcaraz disappears after playing more than a key Ukranian protestor. But with worse injuries. He’s now out for weeks with muscle fatigue, he’s had better games like. Jagielka was appalling too but that’s a rarity. Its gonna be him and Stones at the back with Hibbert at right back and the very handsome in a wee way Leighton Baines at left back. Contract signed – we just need him to find some form. Howard needs to have some sort of bungee cord attached to his waist and the crossbar to swerve them mad runs he’s prone to.
Martinez is always on about how players react to a bad pass or decision. I dearly hope they realise what type of Everton needs to come out to Z-cars on Saturday – a snarling Everton swinging at anything within swinging radius.
And that's your lot. Enough words, lets see them actions blues.
