After the FA chief and head of England's world cup 2018 bid was caught claiming that Spain and Russia were planning to bribe officials during this summer's world cup I have been investigating into it* and have unearthed further comments he made regarding each team in this years competition.
In a GOT exclusive, here are The Triesman Tapes UNCUT.
South Africa
"They stole their national blueprint from Geoffrey Hayes, Zippy, George and Bungle and shrivel cows to use as chewing gum."
Mexico
"Unmitigated cheese melters and bean squishers in conspiracy with the world's dry cleaners and beguiled by a pacy, kerchief-wearing mouse"
Uruguay
"Tarantula stricken, devious corned beef hawkers in league with makers of archaic finger jeaopardising, casualty-presaging, key-based tins."
France
"Onion-touting, amphibian-limb amputators and dead sheep arsonists who will get into bed with anyone to stop us getting what we deserve."
Argentina
"Hairy, Wembley-trembly-legged, Beckham baiters and cheating handball con artists who brush their teeth with Bovril and are out to get us"
Nigeria
"Email scamming shysters with limitless dead relatives of former dictators who watch screechingly loud Crossroads quality soaps"
South Korea
"Queue-jumping but otherwise officious, bossy-booted, rude, workaholic drones with beastly appetites for pickled cabbage."
Greece
"If they fluke the world cup it'll be the only pot they'll have to piss in. Totally brassic, they'll do exactly what the Germans tell them"
England
"This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, this other Eden, demi-paradise... this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this Ingerland.
USA
"Dental Hygiene fascists and incorrigible donners of khaki trousers who have to invent abstruse games to call themselves world champions"
Algeria
"Couscous dispatchers and avid sweet-savoury combiners who wear black polo necks and puff Gauloises on Paris's Rive Gouche"
Slovenia
"Dumpling devouring, cave zealots who gather together in rural harmony troupes to boast incessantly about an abundance of trees."
Germany
"Inveterate thigh-slappers and misleadingly jolly-faced oompa-pa lovers with pathalogical punctuality and tiny vulgar Speedos."
Australia
"Permanently squinting, relentless word-shorteners and upspeakers who bang on about how great their country is while declining to actually live there."
Serbia
"Once classic neighbours from hell and formerly bolshy, Balkan, bigheaded Sljivovic-slurpers with a passion for heinous heavy metal."
Ghana
"They make textiles so eye-frazzlingly hypnotic you'll soon be in a trance and their president is John Mills, a fine actor but sadly deceased"
Holland
"Clog-barmy, bicycling, barge dwellers and mouse blighted Windy Millers living in a place so flat you can watch your dog run away for five days."
Denmark
"Bacon crazy historic pillagers, mermaid venerators and fairytale merchants who give misleading succour to misfit ugly ducklings."
Japan
"Whale butchers and gameshow contestant torturers, hidebound by tradition and prone to panicking about giant mutant dinosaurs."
Cameroon
"Ghastly, smug products of Eton, these Bullingdon Club hobbledehoys have hijacked the country with Faust Clegg. New Labour, New Britain."
Italy
"Serial referee phone pests and buttock goosers, led by a flirty ladies man politico of a certain vintage who is old enough to know better."
Paraguay
"Landlocked pineapple peddlers and Des O'Conner plaguing Womad-lite crooners - the dreary Kraft cheese single slice in a Brazil - Argentina sandwich."
New Zealand
Rugby-playing, sheep-bothering, permanently damp, virtually Antartic, butter churning 'fush en chups' freaks who confuse 'sex' with 'six'.
Slovakia
"Repressed, lugubrious U2 fans whose viewings of Dirty Dancing bootlegs under communism makes them feel short changed by capitalism."
Brazil
"Coffee-fuelled adrenaline junkies offering sanctuary to train robbers and party-animal pubic topiarists who think they invented passing to feet."
North Korea
"Under the cosh of a corrupt tyrant who resembles a pencil gonk and intimidates everyone like a 12-pint veteran at closing time."
Ivory Coast
"Sven's a nitwit. He got caught playing away and then embarrassed himself in a tabloid sting. You would have to be a fool to be so careless."
Portugal
"Port-swilling, showboating, piri piri splashing winkers with tiny custard tarts and music so depressing it makes Leonard Cohen sound like The Cheeky Girls."
Spain
"Disciples of the Bernard Manning school of race relations and serial bull tormentors in league with the russians."
Switzerland
"Neutral, Heidi-worshipping, noise abatement loons who are so rich they can spend valuable time punching superfluous holes in cheese."
Honduras
"Tegucigalpa sounds like a fart in a bath and the people are obsessed with the size of their bananas. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Chile
Bird crap hoarders, no-good pan-pipe parpers and new age babble facilitators. The country's so skinny it could hula-hoop a Cheerio.
** Well ok, I ripped it from The Guardian
In a GOT exclusive, here are The Triesman Tapes UNCUT.
South Africa
"They stole their national blueprint from Geoffrey Hayes, Zippy, George and Bungle and shrivel cows to use as chewing gum."
Mexico
"Unmitigated cheese melters and bean squishers in conspiracy with the world's dry cleaners and beguiled by a pacy, kerchief-wearing mouse"
Uruguay
"Tarantula stricken, devious corned beef hawkers in league with makers of archaic finger jeaopardising, casualty-presaging, key-based tins."
France
"Onion-touting, amphibian-limb amputators and dead sheep arsonists who will get into bed with anyone to stop us getting what we deserve."
Argentina
"Hairy, Wembley-trembly-legged, Beckham baiters and cheating handball con artists who brush their teeth with Bovril and are out to get us"
Nigeria
"Email scamming shysters with limitless dead relatives of former dictators who watch screechingly loud Crossroads quality soaps"
South Korea
"Queue-jumping but otherwise officious, bossy-booted, rude, workaholic drones with beastly appetites for pickled cabbage."
Greece
"If they fluke the world cup it'll be the only pot they'll have to piss in. Totally brassic, they'll do exactly what the Germans tell them"
England
"This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, this other Eden, demi-paradise... this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this Ingerland.
USA
"Dental Hygiene fascists and incorrigible donners of khaki trousers who have to invent abstruse games to call themselves world champions"
Algeria
"Couscous dispatchers and avid sweet-savoury combiners who wear black polo necks and puff Gauloises on Paris's Rive Gouche"
Slovenia
"Dumpling devouring, cave zealots who gather together in rural harmony troupes to boast incessantly about an abundance of trees."
Germany
"Inveterate thigh-slappers and misleadingly jolly-faced oompa-pa lovers with pathalogical punctuality and tiny vulgar Speedos."
Australia
"Permanently squinting, relentless word-shorteners and upspeakers who bang on about how great their country is while declining to actually live there."
Serbia
"Once classic neighbours from hell and formerly bolshy, Balkan, bigheaded Sljivovic-slurpers with a passion for heinous heavy metal."
Ghana
"They make textiles so eye-frazzlingly hypnotic you'll soon be in a trance and their president is John Mills, a fine actor but sadly deceased"
Holland
"Clog-barmy, bicycling, barge dwellers and mouse blighted Windy Millers living in a place so flat you can watch your dog run away for five days."
Denmark
"Bacon crazy historic pillagers, mermaid venerators and fairytale merchants who give misleading succour to misfit ugly ducklings."
Japan
"Whale butchers and gameshow contestant torturers, hidebound by tradition and prone to panicking about giant mutant dinosaurs."
Cameroon
"Ghastly, smug products of Eton, these Bullingdon Club hobbledehoys have hijacked the country with Faust Clegg. New Labour, New Britain."
Italy
"Serial referee phone pests and buttock goosers, led by a flirty ladies man politico of a certain vintage who is old enough to know better."
Paraguay
"Landlocked pineapple peddlers and Des O'Conner plaguing Womad-lite crooners - the dreary Kraft cheese single slice in a Brazil - Argentina sandwich."
New Zealand
Rugby-playing, sheep-bothering, permanently damp, virtually Antartic, butter churning 'fush en chups' freaks who confuse 'sex' with 'six'.
Slovakia
"Repressed, lugubrious U2 fans whose viewings of Dirty Dancing bootlegs under communism makes them feel short changed by capitalism."
Brazil
"Coffee-fuelled adrenaline junkies offering sanctuary to train robbers and party-animal pubic topiarists who think they invented passing to feet."
North Korea
"Under the cosh of a corrupt tyrant who resembles a pencil gonk and intimidates everyone like a 12-pint veteran at closing time."
Ivory Coast
"Sven's a nitwit. He got caught playing away and then embarrassed himself in a tabloid sting. You would have to be a fool to be so careless."
Portugal
"Port-swilling, showboating, piri piri splashing winkers with tiny custard tarts and music so depressing it makes Leonard Cohen sound like The Cheeky Girls."
Spain
"Disciples of the Bernard Manning school of race relations and serial bull tormentors in league with the russians."
Switzerland
"Neutral, Heidi-worshipping, noise abatement loons who are so rich they can spend valuable time punching superfluous holes in cheese."
Honduras
"Tegucigalpa sounds like a fart in a bath and the people are obsessed with the size of their bananas. Not that there's anything wrong with that."
Chile
Bird crap hoarders, no-good pan-pipe parpers and new age babble facilitators. The country's so skinny it could hula-hoop a Cheerio.
** Well ok, I ripped it from The Guardian
