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Christ, we’ll still be playing this match at kick-off time on Wednesday, the way things are going.

Nine minutes! Has Richard Masters just called that one in?

Anthony Taylor, heroically unbiased in the middle. <adjusts glasses, re-reads notes> Apologies, that should read “heroically biased”.

To be fair, that was a corker.

I love that people outside of Everton look in and think that we had some sort of coherent transfer plan to beat relegation. It’s like those art critics who rave about the beauty and intelligence shown in an abstract painting, only for it to be revealed that the artist was a chimp.

Jim Beglin stroking himself into oblivion courtesy of Haaland’s frankly freaky goal. Just what I need at 1am Australian time.

Jim Beglin struggling to give Everton any praise - you love to see it.

They’re a nation state, awash with petrodollars, whose negative reaction to any sort of punishment from the league could be catastrophic for the UK economy. Of course they’re going to be protected - money talks.

Time was I’d’ve steadfastly refused to have Moyes back at Goodison - so I was very surprised to recently realise that I’d be happy to see him back. I honestly do not know what West Ham fans want from him. He’s given them stability, kept them up and won a European trophy. He can be too cautious...

Ask Ravel Morrison, he knows the score apparently.

Very sad to see him go, and at a time when his stock with supporters probably couldn’t have been much lower. I think he was fundamentally a good man, who made some mistakes, but loved the club dearly - as we all do. He reminds me a little of something I once heard about the city of Liverpool...

Pawson is about to earn his 30 pieces of silver.

Lovely to see a bloke in a wheelchair spouting vile abuse at Onana when he went over the hoardings there, truly a fantastic set of fans.

Just told the missus there’ll be no Peloton products coming into this house as I noticed the pitchside ad saying they’re “the official fitness partner” of our lovable red neighbours.

Trent Alexander-Arnold has the kind of smug face you’d never tire of punching.

“Free Palestine” - was clear as a bell on Optus Sport here in Oz.

In order to make the Great Escape from the Wirral? Yes.

Literally the only positive thing I took from that article was its title - it should read (in English) “Everton, Chronicle of a Death Foretold”. Chronicle of a Death Foretold is a famous novel from Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the Colombian author, which I had to study for A-Level Spanish. So the...

Take your hand off your mouth, Dyche, you’re not Joe Pesci in “Casino”.

Scandalously bad. You couldn’t have written the comedy of that second goal, the most “Everton That” thing I’ve ever seen.