Breaking News. Frustrated in their efforts to see Everton relegated from the Premier League, from next season the organisation will amend the rules surrounding relegation.
Instead of the bottom three teams being relegated, the owners of Manchester City, Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea and Tottenham Hotspur will be invited to select three teams from the league to be sent packing.
For administrative reasons, the teams responsible for choosing will not be at risk themselves. It is hoped that the traditional enmity between Everton and both Liverpool and Manchester United will see them select Everton as one of the three to be relegated.
The changes should, hopes league Chief Executive Richard Masters, combat the ongoing problems of increasingly terrible teams being promoted from the football league, the unfortunately ineffective policy of not giving Everton penalty kicks, ****ing David Moyes, and The Friedkin Group’s recent takeover of Everton neutralising any threat the Premier League’s PSR rules might pose. “****ing **** ****ing ********”, Masters is thought to have said.
Talks are also believed to be underway to award the Premier League title to all six teams involved in the new relegation ‘fight’ - in gratitude for their time. Masters hopes this will trick UEFA into admitting all six to the Champions League, ideally at the expense of “****ing imposters” like Aston Villa, Newcastle United or Nottingham Forest.
When asked to comment, Manchester United shareholder Jim Ratcliffe may have said “We don’t care what this looks like, now will someone please convert Old Trafford’s disabled viewing areas into regular priced seating. They’re costing too much money.”