Here’s an in-depth analysis of some Moshiri signings. The fees all come from Tranfermarkt.
Pickford (£25.65m)
Williams (£12.6m) Keane (£26.65m) Mina (£27.25m)
Iwobi (£27.36m) Gomes (£22.5m) Klaassen (£24.3m) Sigurdsson (£44.46m)
Walcott (£20.25m) Tosun (£20.25m) Bolasie (£26m)
Cost = £277.3m
Of the above,
Pickford probably has been the only long-term success. In hindsight, it’s a good fee for a keeper who has improved here and is now of a good standard. We’d make a profit on him but it’s likely he’ll stay until he gets fat enough to start a darts career.
Keane was obviously a poor buy, despite odd periods of looking decent. It’s been said before, but there doesn’t seem to have been any consideration that a defender looking good in a Burnley team wouldn’t necessarily work out for a club playing less defensively. Plus, there’s the added issue of his phobia of spherical leather objects (triggered, legend has it, by once walking in on Sean Dyche during his bi-annual changing of underwear). Hopefully history won’t repeat with
Tarkowski.
Mina’s a good CB and it’s difficult to predict injuries (although he
did have a couple of hamstring injuries before going to Barca, who themselves got rid of him very quickly). With a better fitness record – and still only 27 – we’d probably make a profit on him today. Yet to see if his little online dances give us a profit in the metaverse.
Williams was awful and a knob, despite coming with a good reputation. Could understand the idea behind bringing in a proven PL defender, but this was an early example of the short-termism that has defined our transfer activities. Left on a free after seeing out his contract, but not before provoking a perfectly decent Everton Da into defending his child from the clutches of a predatory Lyon player.
Much has been said about the
Iwobi transfer, of course. And under Lampard as a CM he’s been good, but the purchase was obviously unwise at the time considering the fee and his total inability to play the winger position he was evidently bought to fill. He’s wacky and random on the internet, much appreciated by the Everton Das.
It was a pretty impressive loan that resulted in us buying
Gomes, who has struggled since. I wouldn’t be too harsh on his transfer considering his first season with us, but his struggles with confidence were evident at Barcelona before we bought him. He’s been so ineffective recently that the average Everton Da doesn’t even seem to be sexually attracted to him anymore, although much of their hostility is thought to be tied up in that difficult month when they tried to grow a beard like his. Hard for us to shift and might see out the rest of his massive contract before leaving for free.
Klaassen just seemed to be a bad buy from the start, with neither the physicality or style that worked in the PL. We made a £12m loss on him a year after the purchase and he contributed nothing of note in an Everton shirt apart from an ongoing debate about whether he was balding or his head was in fact covered with translucent sensory fibres that predicted the deathly arrival of the harmful sun.
Sigurdsson had some talent, although the policy of buying footballers at their peak from PL rivals was never ideal. Couldn’t live up to the fee because, as seen at Spurs, he only really worked when a team was built around him (like Swansea) rather than him adapting to a style. Left for free because his contract ran out, which is a fact. Posted some nice photos on Instagram of his wedding to a fully grown woman.
Walcott was, along with
Tosun, a desperation buy during the January transfer window as we looked to avoid relegation. He wasn’t terrible, but the fee and short-termism was. Famously grew a beard to prove he had gone through puberty. Left on a free.
Tosun was never anywhere near good enough. Famously scouted by Moshiri, although Moshiri thought he was in a queue for a Chicken Zinger burger at the time. Reminded many of a throwback to a forward from 20 years ago, a clinical finisher who offered little else outside the box. Sadly, wasn’t really that good a finisher. Left on a free with shoe polish dripping down his cheeks.
Bolasie… if any single transfer represents the Koeman era it’s this: massive overspend on a player who had already peaked and, at his very best, was highly inconsistent. Actually made a reasonable start before what turned into a career-reducing injury. Saw out the five years on his contract, making a grand total of 32 appearances. Well known in academic circles for his contributions to Neo-Nihilism through his use of the redundant stepover. Left on a free to produce jinky-wiggles in the Turkish second division.
£152m in losses on those players,
£140m of which resulted in releasing them when out of contract. That number is much closer to
£200m if Gomes and Mina don’t get sold soon. If we consider the amortisation per annum spread across the contractual terms, divided by the P/L sustainability of the monetary coinage as defined by the treasury I think we can agree that these figures suggest that something has happened and numbers can be counted to determine outcomes that factor in the cause and effect of things being a certain way in a given situation. And the picture gets worse when you add a subs bench…
Bench:
Kean (£24.75m) – between loan fees and a final payment next summer, he’ll have paid his transfer fee back plus a little extra.
Some fools thought we’d bullied Juventus into giving us their best young talent. Turned out he was just a bit crap, except when he wasn’t, which was sometimes (but not really for us). Good example of how an ‘unsuccessful’ transfer can still work out if recruitment focuses on youth.
Schneiderlin (£20.7m) – sold for £2m. A Koeman buy, seemingly. Good player at his best but terrible attitude. Useful example of what happens to clubs who allow managers to pick their favourites but also like to regularly sack managers. Long running rumour that he was skillful at handling Koeman’s teats, often generating several pails to send to Steven Naismith’s family (a legacy contract obligation).
Delph (£8.55m) – injury record spoke for itself before purchase. A good player whose head and heart were never really in it at Everton. Long rumoured that Brands liked to apply foundation whilst looking at his reflection in Delph’s head. Left on free.
Gbamin (£22.5m) – obviously terribly unlucky to have been born with tiny time bombs in his legs. Doesn’t quite look to have what it takes, although that’s clearly compromised by his injuries. Will make a significant loss at best, more likely he’ll see out his contract.
Godfrey (£24.75m) – good athlete but limited player so far. Still young and could improve, although hasn’t yet. As Confucius once said, ‘he has the on-ball composure of a Qin dynasty foot soldier of his head on garys’. Would probably make a minor loss or recoup the transfer fee today.
Allan (£21.24m) – Ancelotti pick. Has neither the legs nor the passing range to be truly effective. Not a
bad buy in some ways, more like an extremely short-sighted one. Most likely to see out his contract and leave for free, although with the dignity befitting his tiny moustache.
Doucoure (£19.8m) – Consistent trend under Moshiri has been to buy PL players in their late(ish) 20s (Williams, Sigurdsson, Delph, Walcott, Schneiderlin) who are on the way down. Not our worst purchase by any stretch, but a limited player with a big fee who we’ll most likely see finish his contract and leave for nothing. Widely reported that, before his death, Stephen Hawking was working on a problem (unsolvable) that would explain how Doucoure can be both everywhere and nowhere in a given time moment.
Total = £419.59m
