Hi all,
As if 2020 wasn't already tough enough, in May I found out my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for roughly a year. She says she didn't want the affair and felt trapped and unable to get out. She puts this down to her own troubles with mental health (which were unknown), and it appears she may have had post-natal depression as the affair started about 8 months after the birth of our son. The post-natal depression seems to have built on top of long standing despression and the co-worker 'appears' to have done all the leg work and almost groomed my wife into a position where she entered the affair as an escape form her troubles even though she told him she didn't want the affair and then tried to end it repeatedly. I say 'appeared' as I only have her word for it.
The whole thing has completely shook me to the core as it was so out the blue. Unsurprisingly I've entered a state of feeling extremely depressed myself in the aftermath. She ensures she loves me and wants to be with me and improve our marriage. I have had individual counselling but didn't feel it worked for me and I'm now on antidepressants from my GP. However, I'm sure if they are having much effect- I know I need to speak to my GP about this, maybe up the dosage for example. We also had some couples counselling and she is now having her own therapy to deal with her depression and hopefully give me some answers as to why this happened as "I was depressed" isn't enough for me, I need more substance so I can feel confident this will never happen again IF we stay together.
I yoyo constantly between wanting to stay and leaving. I worry about me retaliating (having an affair/fling). I worry it may happen again. I worry I'm being unfair to leave if it's due to her mental health condition. I worry I want to find the bloke and knock him out - particularly if he did manipulate her into staying when she repeatedly said she wants to end it/leave. I worry the pain I feel might get too much and cause me to do something stupid (I'm nowhere near doing anything stupid at the minute)
I guess I'm reaching out;
1) to see if anyone has unfortunately experienced a similar situation and can offer any guidance or advice
2) to ask if anyone else has used mirtazapine - did they see any improvement in their mood?
3) any other help or advice people may have.
Sorry for the essay!
TIA
UTFT
Sorry to hear this mate. Lots of good advice given already, which is what makes this thread so great.
It’s one of those frustrating, grown-up scenarios where there’s really no right answer. Once you’re able to quiet your mind sufficiently, the right thing to do will be there, in your gut.
There’ll be pain whichever way you choose to go, so resist the urge to doubt yourself. We’re all here and I hope you have a decent support network IRL.
I wish you the best of luck, mate.