Everton v West Ham United Preview via Everton Arent We
Get fresh at the weekend.
Unless of course that weekend may contain St Domingo’s boys and they’re currently in one of their annoying spells where weekends cannot resonate with Mel & Kim’s tireless lyrics.
Because that’s what this about right? Feeling good at the weekend. Well fear not as a salvation is only one win away and what can put a better smile on a person’s face right now than sodomising the cringe collective from East London trying hard too hard to be noticed. But a bit more about them later.
It’s all too easy to label the present Everton as an underwhelming vat of dogshit right now and you’d be hard pressed to find two people to disagree. It’s not that Everton are that terrible it’s just that the continuing ghosts of underachievement are playing up and there’s no way of exorcising them.
After all it was meant to be different now, right? Nothing will be the same – a bold statement when Everton are proven masters of finding new ways to disappoint you.
An injury hit and decidedly average Burnley side beat Everton by merely working harder and capitalising on the annoying EFC vulnerability that remains. Due to the next transfer window being two months away there’s not salvation at hand so one can either hope that the early season vigour/spawn returns or that there’s someone not currently in the first team that is about to hit some seriously robust form and carry a team of mostly proven just-not-quite-enoughs. When was the last time you watched Everton put two good halves together in one game? So for all the tough words and promises of action from both Manager and Chairman we find ourselves in a too familiar position.
Hang on, we’re sixth in the league aren’t we?
Let’ beat our next opponent and stop whining then. Enter West Ham United.
Something peculiar is going on at West Ham LONDON United right now. A traditional club with great values and parochial support often admired by many blues has in Premier League terms perhaps reached puberty and is struggling with the new oestrogen coursing through it’s veins. As a result there’s a football club and support acting in a most peculiar manner when previously there was a pleasant club turning up, taking a lesson in obedience and heading back south to fight another relegation.
It would seem that adding LONDON to your badge and LONDON to your stadium and having a rich annoying crease faced pygmy as one of your new owners propels a large portion on a fanbase into all new levels of bellendery. Maybe it’s small man syndrome festering from the top down as West Ham seek to make so much noise that other people notice them. In social media stakes and at the LONDON stadium it just seems that there’s an outbreak of ruddy faced under thirties trying to make a racket and create cringey rivalry with other clubs in order to seem relevant by comparison. I genuinely feel sorry for their older fans who are near enough always sound to a man, imagine seeing these ferrets taking over the mantle as your club’s younger support?
I mean we know about being the lesser successful club in our city and whilst we crave some more shiny stuff there’s plenty to enjoy about our own successes, identity and differences to the great unkempt across the park. West Ham LONDON Utd though have seemingly had enough of Arsenal, Spurs, Chelsea and Crystal Palace flying the flag for London and are doing this weird uprising which involves scarves on your face and poorly fitting Stone Island jackets in the stadium and rushing ordinary football fans while trying to act all ‘leery’ on twitter about how great West Ham is. Which is sound if, like, you’d won a solitary league title in your entire history. Which they haven’t. Or maybe even finished in second place in the league at least once in your history? Which they haven’t. You can’t put “Paolo Di Canio scored a few ace goals for us” on your honours list although I bet they’d try, the truly desperate lizards.
Instead it’s like someone has poisoned the water around their local area (which is ten miles from their new “stadium”) with potent Attention Deficit Disorder. They’re trying far too hard. And as a result they look like tits.
And cop a load of that new stadium guv’nor. If Everton want to know exactly what I’d like for our new stadium then take West Ham’s LONDON stadium and do the exact opposite. They know they’re been had too but it saves the insecure little runts right for being sucked in my the pygmy and his partner, the porno beard biff.
Come on West Ham, stop being a Kwik Save No Frills tin of Chelsea and get back to being you, it was sound to be West Ham. Take back control of your under thirty biffs and get Terry, Luke and Harry sitting down in the ground rather than chucking seats at arl fellas for attention on their instagram. Swerve the cross arm gesture too, you’re not on Gladiators in 1994 you titheads.
Slaven Bilic is their manager and his appearance screams dormant Ebola, he’s one of them people who no matter how many baths or makeovers you give him he will always look like the kid with nits at school. The bog eyed slacker also done Everton out of money as a player and we’re not the forgetting types.
With no reference to what kind of formation, injuries or potential threat they’ll hold here’s a list of some of their players who may or may not play at Goodison on Sunday:
Lanzini – sounds like a form of sixty dollar pasta you treat your bird too while drunk and caught up in Manhattan but in reality is a former River Plate player which means that when he’s not getting a game he’ll be sneering about your club to Las Malvinas TV and hinting at a move unless he gets playing time.
Payet – their best player who they had to super bribe to sign a new contract so they think he’s Maradona when in fact he’s a merely a latter day jarg Kinkladze who looks superior because everyone else in their team are mush.
Antonio – played for England as he scores headers and Allardyce, the fat scruffy skip, was manager.
Cresswell – massively under rated full back for me.
Noble – they say dogs look like owners and in this case a player looks like his club, being a pug faced fat little shithouse who’s thinks he’s twice the player he actually is in his head and wears a leather bomber to the pub. The marzipan faced rat.
Ogbonna – signed for West Ham over Everton and as it stands you have to admire his judgement somewhat. Not sure if he’s any good but he’s certainly not getting called a fat donkey by that fella who sits two rows behind you.
Reid – another decent player, gives you at least a 7/10 every game.
Adrian – has anyone ever seen him and Stekelenburg in the same room together? Just asking.
And that concludes West London Ham, read on for a glossing over of Everton.
Honeymoon for Koeman seems over as there’s discontent in the air about some of the players and the performances. Our manager is sound for now as we’re in the “got a big job on his hands” stage but with Evertonians that dwindles away soon enough.
What can Koeman do though? Who do you see on the bench that you’d bring in or change for who’s been getting a game? There was a whole load of criticism for Martinez not going with two wingers and ‘unleashing’ Mirallas and Deulofeu at opposition defences yet when they’re played together they have the impact of harvest festival.
Perhaps Koeman, with his face like a low tide exposed dying coral reef, will look to the likes of Lennon who will at least put a shift in and in turn allow Bolasie to blow hotter and colder than a bowl of poorly microwaved scouse to at least influence the game on the opposite flank?
Lukaku will start up front as he scores goals for us. He scores so many goals that it’s sound that for some games he’s not too arsed at putting a shift in but I, for one, would like to see someone played alongside him at some point. We’ve covered my tip for the wings with Lennon and Bolasie and it’s that time every week where we pose the Barkley question, would you? He’s out of form so I would be looking at other options right now and get him lashed on from the bench until he’s got his form or confidence back which he seems to have lost about two years ago.
You’re getting a lashing of Barry and Gueye in the middle if you like it or not and the defence will contain Jagielka, Williams and two full backs which should be up for debate as neither Coleman or Oviedo are playing well and Holgate and Baines may be eligible for selection. The sunken eyed Argie lamenting will be on the bench and Stekelenburg in goal. Ace assist from him for Burnley’s goal last week.
So that’s about the size of it. Beating West Ham would be just the pick-me-up and a much needed win after our last victory six weeks ago. But mainly just to laugh and point at West Ham.
After all it o-o-only takes a minute to feel alright.
Showin’ out, I’m showin’ out.
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