Hull Tigers v Everton Preview via Everton Arent We
In a week where Everton highlighted effortlessly the bipolar nature of both club and fans it rounds off aptly another calendar year of Everton. Not one particularly for the highlights reels but then how many truly are these days?
Hoping the new year at least starts in putting that right. It’s been a couple of years since Evertonians could see sustainable progress, it’s gonna feel ace when it arrives. Eventually.
Before this samey try too hard preview gets carried away with itself there’s some business left to take care of in 2016, and that’s to shithouse some scruffs – courtesy of Big Ronko’s 532ers.
The Leicester game isn’t likely a turning point as truth be told it was two teams low on confidence and form scratching around for a result, and we shaded it on the day. Not that I’m turning my nose up at a clean sheet or resolution in the team but there needs to be so much more in order to get points that keep us hanging around the European places.
It’s been seldom that Everton have put two good halves of togger together in the same game this season so it’s relieving to see us sat in 7th place despite not really getting going. Surely we have to kickstart at some point, and maybe a splattering of new signings will help actualise that process sooner rather than later.
The final game of the year sees us on the road once more heading east. Only this time I know where Hull is as it’s wedged between Scarborough and Skegness, which in Victorian Britain would seem glamorous as your Thomas Cook chartered carriage ambled forward through rolling countryside and limited expectations. Nowadays however such a movement would be like moving your face slowly in between the two arse cheeks of Danniella Westbrook. What may have been pleasant once is a much changed affair now. For further illustration the nearby city of Grimsby acts as a cling on to assist any visualisation.
Hull got promoted last season but arrived in weird circumstances with hardly any players, managerless and being named like a Rugby League club.
I mean we get that Hull is not exactly glamorous but there’s some things sacred in football and one of them is not trying to be like a wool code of rugby played by fat steroided beauts who drink each other’s piss every weekend in the name of team building. Calling yourself the Tigers though? Don’t try to pretend you don’t like it either as I’ve seen the videos of the tiger gestures after you score a goal you dicksplashes.
Hull is a Rugby League town so maybe I shouldn’t be so condemning, it’s not their fault if they don’t know anything different. Trying to inject glamour into Hull is a commendable community initiative but the odds are against you somewhat. Hull is just a location that no matter what it does or tries, it will just always be scruffy. Like the kid in school who comes out of the showers after footie and still stinks; who wears Chrimbo clothes and straight away has soup spilled down the front and catches in the sleeves. It’s Hull, it’s what it does.
This isn’t sneering at Hull as the folk I’ve met from there have all been salt of the earth types in a give-them-a-false-address-on-holiday-so-they-can’t-keep-in-touch way but nevertheless there’s no airs and graces about them and I prefer that to the cockmutants you find festering down south. I’ve never met anyone from Hull who didn’t not rush to tell me how much they enjoyed a ruck, or were training intensely in cage fighting but are currently nursing an injury. The wee fibbers.
Mike Phelan is the manager and is trying out new formations and strategies desperately trying to find one that works and will move them off the foot of the table. Aye, this has got Everton defeat written all over it.
For all of the above I do hope they do stay up as they’re preferable to some of the other scrotes knocking about and they’re not having an easy time of it, with a weirdo for their owner.
Here’s a list of some of their players:
Mbokani – striker once linked with Everton. Would have been the type of “Moyes-flush” in the transfer market then that we’d be dead excited about. Didn’t arrive obviously. Very odd looking, has the expression one may have on tasting their own jizz perhaps?
On that note, be honest, have you? Look at me and be honest. No, me neither.
Snodgrass – looks the type knocking round your door offering to tarmac your drive but you catch him clocking the mountain bikes in the lay by so you lock them inside for a month. Decent player though and out of contract soon so wouldn’t be averse to him squadding it at St Domingo’s.
Clucas – he’s the full back who plays as a defensive midfielder right? Man of the match and no mistake.
Livermore – Spurs reject bought expensively with the now fading hopes of reaching potential.
Huddlestone – Spurs reject bought expensively with the now fading hopes of reaching potential.
Robertson – wakes us and asks Sam who he is and Sam shows him to a mirror where he’s Gary Naysmith in 2002.
Davies – good defender who’ll be citing his head not being in the right place missing a vital game at the end of January hoping some mug comes in for him with loads of cash.
Dawson – Spurs reject bought expensively with the now fading hopes of reaching potential.
Marshall – loads wanted him as our keeper, man of the match candidate number 2 on that basis.
That’s your Hull, here’s your Everton.
Lukaku will play up front as he’s all we got and in return we must suffer his cast iron guarantee of twenty goals a season while he’s not convincing some of our fans he’ll ever better Marcus Bent.
I’m thinking how Koeman – with his head like an enchanted mushroom – has now achieved a win with his preferred 5 at the back formation that he’ll stick with it until Everton makes everyone fume again. So that may mean more of the hard working but limited Lennon and Mirallas. Or maybe if his Mirallas’ goal wasn’t quite enough then Valencia.
Gana Gueye doesn’t have long left until Africa calls him to return to her ample bosom so he’ll defo start and probably Gareth Barry although there was much assured and to admire from young Tom Davies coming on to replace ageing legs. Great composure on the lad too, looks a player.
Ashley Williams seems to be playing himself into form and without the awkward dance of “who is captain” with Jagielka on the bench. Against Leicester he was quite happy organising stuff alongside Funes Mori and Holgate. A clean sheet means we shouldn’t expect any changes for this. Baines and Coleman didn’t look too adept at the wing back stuff they were asked to do but it’s not usual for them to play there in fairness. Both have the skillset you’d think that would make a good match for the position but what do I know?
Special shout out for Robles who every time he’s been asked to play in goal this season has been sound enough. What was impressive was an Everton goalkeeper having actual command of his area as it’s been a long, long while since we last seen that. Just hope it wasn’t a fluke.
So that’s your lot. A year to forget but let’s see what 2017 brings. Progress, no matter how incremental, would be warmly welcomed.
All the best. Nothing but the best.
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