Jokes to cheer us up

[toffeesforme]

Ok, have a few today already and im slightly tipsy like. After the poor start to the season, the ever increasing injuries and the pasting we had in Benfica, i think we should all share some jokes.

I like this one myself.

Stevie G is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happily. Alex Curran asks him why hes celebrating.
He answers "Well Honey, I’ve done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that’s good?" asks Curran.
"You bet Hon" says Steve."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."



But i heard this one the other night which made me smile

A father and son were eating breakfast. The fathers newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".
The son asked "is he worth it, Dad?", to which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"
The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Stan Collymore, and he was crap"



Feel free to add more, just so i can get pissed laughing.

 

[Mutzo Nutzo]

Bloke walks in to the chippy and says
"portion of chips and a steak and kiddle I pie please."

Chippy owner says "dont you mean steak and kidney pie?"

Bloke says..."thats what I said diddle I"

Thats my best joke BTW

 

[toffeesforme]

Rafael Benitez was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, “Can you manage dear?” to which the old lady replied, “no way you got yourself into this mess, don’t ask me to sort it out!”

 

[toffeesforme]

A blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blond said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blond answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."




Ha ha, something my Mrs would do!

 

[bluebastardo]

A mass murderer escapes from prison, and breaks into a house.
Upstairs, he finds a couple in bed, and promptly overpowers the man and ties him to a bedroom chair.
He then goes over to the woman and starts kissing her neck, before disappearing into the ensuite bathroom.

While he's gone , the man says to his wife " Honey - this guy is dangerous. He obviously fancies you after kissing your neck. Just let him do what ever he wants to you, and we'll both be fine. Be strong. I love you."

His wife replies " Honey - He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear that he is gay, and finds you very attractive. He then asked if we had any vaseline, to which I told him it was in the bathroom cabinet. Be strong. I love you too."

 

[toffeesforme]

A mass murderer escapes from prison, and breaks into a house.
Upstairs, he finds a couple in bed, and promptly overpowers the man and ties him to a bedroom chair.
He then goes over to the woman and starts kissing her neck, before disappearing into the ensuite bathroom.

While he's gone , the man says to his wife " Honey - this guy is dangerous. He obviously fancies you after kissing your neck. Just let him do what ever he wants to you, and we'll both be fine. Be strong. I love you."

His wife replies " Honey - He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear that he is gay, and finds you very attractive. He then asked if we had any vaseline, to which I told him it was in the bathroom cabinet. Be strong. I love you too."

 

[NeoNaoNeo]

Bloke walks in to the chippy and says
"portion of chips and a steak and kiddle I pie please."

Chippy owner says "dont you mean steak and kidney pie?"

Bloke says..."thats what I said diddle I"

Thats my best joke BTW

I laughed but I'm not proud

 

[Lao]

I was in the pub the other night when I got this urge to fart. The music was really loud so I let a big one go. I was full of wind and started letting them off in time to the music to make sure they weren't noticeable.

Anyway I finished my pint and stood up to go and everyone was looking at me - then I realised I had my ipod in!

 

[Mutzo Nutzo]

I laughed but I'm not proud

You'll get over it...I laughed when I was typing it

 

[kenada_blue]

Blokes banging his wife. "are you wearing that ribbed condom I bought you?" she asks. "no" he replies "it's just me warts"

little girl crying at the edge of the cliff. Man goes up to her and asks "what's wrong?" girl goes "my parents car has just gone over the cliff! They're dead! I jumped out just in time!". "really?" the man says as he begins to unbutton his trousers "well it's not your lucky day now is it"

 

[monty]

Got one for Chico


Two woodpeckers, A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers.
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

 

[bluebastardo]

Got one for Chico


Two woodpeckers, A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers.
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

 

[chicoazul]

Got one for Chico


Two woodpeckers, A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers.
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

There's a moral in that story somewhere I'm guessing.

 

[heatmeiser]

Bloke walks in to the chippy and says
"portion of chips and a steak and kiddle I pie please."

Chippy owner says "dont you mean steak and kidney pie?"

Bloke says..."thats what I said diddle I"

Thats my best joke BTW

^ Best joke ever.


Only joke I have is:

2 piles of sick walking down the street and one of them starts to cry as they pass an alleyway, "what's the matter, mate?" asks the other one, "Ah nothing, it's just that I was brought up down there".

 

[toffeesforme]

The tv license man came round this morning, asked if i own a tv, i replied "no i dont," he then said, "well u hav an ariel on your roof," i said "i got a bottle of milk in the fridge, doesnt mean i own a ******* cow."