Jamo Martinez
Player Valuation: £70m
Taffies 1 - 3 Toffees
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Seamus Colemole
Previously deathbyropeandglass
We could do with another win like.
Why is there a dog and a small child in that pic?
bluejock
Boss coat aficionado
I believe they prefer to be called sheep shaggers than taffies mate.
Mutton molesters and livestock abusers are also acceptable.
Phyllis Stein
Player Valuation: £8m
We could do with another win like.
The last two games haven’t exactly gone to plan. West Brom was a deserved beating with sixteen days after it to mull it over. Newcastle was very much two points lost. Primarly through uncharacteristic poor Everton defending but the game would have been out of sight if we took our chances and the officials for the day (no FA conspiracy here mind) weren’t so f*cking sh*te.
It’s usually the point where you’ll read an article about Everton and it will patronise you with a whole assorted bunch of clichés and sound bites about how it evens itself out during the season. Maybe so. Perhaps a laboratory in Switzerland has done extensive research on it and can publish the figures, but the simple fact remains: that referee and his linesmen are bellends. Still they'll rest at ease knowing they're not gigantic throbbing bellends like the Newcastle fans and their assorted small time behaviour who will have been in good cheer on their four minibuses back to Scotland.
So it’s all eyes ahead on the weekend’s away game, deep in South Wales against Swansea. A fixture last season where we probably gave our best away performance, overcoming that turnip nosed tactical genius who allegedly invented passing in the modern game. Moyes simply told our strikers to push high on their defenders and it metaphorically gave them a stroke. That Swansea defence then turned as leaky and generous as a local girl with eight cans of bow and black in her. Maybe Laudrup will give them some versatility and different options there.
Speaking of Laudrup – in the day one of the acest players I’ve seen – he looks like what you encounter in the Old & Young genre of late night bongo leaning over the desk at a young impressionable French secretary who's keen to stay late and help with the backlog. He’s got them off to a good start despite losing what was considered their best two players in Sinclair and Joe Allen, although that ruddy faced owner of theirs is going to thinking this Premier League trading is a doddle counting 23 million for two half decent but ultimately limited footballers.
They started off the season dead well, scoring for fun. Similar to us the past two games have been disappointing with a draw at home to Sunderland and a two nil reverse at Villa Park so they’re on identical points as us in this pre puberty stage of the season.
Much was made of their passing last season and for a first year in the top division they done well, even if they did tail off towards the end. When you look through their squad it’s not absolute sh*te but it’s full of players who look superb when you’re two nil up but not all that when put under any sort of exerted pressure. They could and might still beat us so there's no flippancy on my behalf like.
Up front is where the main problem is lying for them at the moment. I know they scored a truck load of goals in their first two games but the opposition certainly helped as much as Danny Graham or Luke Moore did. I was surprised they didn’t reinvest some of that money in a decent all round striker.
They usually play just the one up top and it’s behind him where they can sparkle a bit. It’s likely to be a three of Dyer, Michu and record signing Hernandez. Now on paper you won’t be fretting but if they get their tails up then they've got more than a touch of Stuart Slater. They’ll put to bed teams who underestimate them on home soil a few times this season.
There will be two defensive minded midfield players who love to play five yard passes. That little Britton (not intended) lad and one of probably new summer signing Ki, or Kemy.
Centre half Chico Flores is out for this serving a three games suspension – presumably doing some extra work for Game Of Thrones - so it will be Ashley Williams (get good money on being Rodger’s next overpriced buy from them) and a lad called Bate. Who in keeping with the crap look-a-like theme looks remarkably like Beaker off Sesame Street the unfortunate ginger [Poor language removed]. The occasionally boss Vorm keeps the goal for them.
There’ll be some of you reading this considering the relatively new surroundings of rural South Wales as a wee weekend break. It's a peculiar corner of these islands. Amongst them green winding valleys it’s like the darkside of Heartbeat: Directors Cut. It’s a pretty place and no mistake but like you’ll encounter in other smaller towns and cities it’s chocka block full of repressed occasional angry working class lids. Little rusty headed Ivors whose fighting arena is the local fast food place post ten o clock at night. I don’t know if it’s rissole envy or paralytic local girls stirring emotions but I’ve never seen a place with so many fights in chippies and the like as South Wales.
That’s not to say they’re not good people, up to you to draw your own conclusions but I’m a fan of them. General good haphazard company but they’re a nightmare when drunk, inherent sex pests and liable to end up motionless in your front room pissing their own kecks. The one’s I’ve met haven’t been convinced that they've nailed top class football by not going straight down so it’s refreshing. Obviously you’re prone to the odd tit on the forum coming on giving it the big guns but that’s par for the course. Long may it continue, but they need to [Poor language removed] that Swansalona thing right off.
Obviously exactly what we needed was Jelavic throwing himself into a post for a disallowed goal. He normally walks like he's a first time pile sufferer anyway but you could see him struggling as the game went on. Word is that he's fifty fifty for it. In his absence there will be probably be Victor who needs to magic some PR from somewhere with his own fans as he caused more furore on Monday than foreign photographers taking photos of our future Queen's little taegs. He's the pantomime villain of the Park End. A bit of hard work and couple of goals should make it blow away, with some luck.
Mirallas looked good in the first half, like what Peter Beagrie imagines himself to be in his own head when he's playing football. He was keen to take on players and did it with good effect and wasn't shy in shooting. Eventually pissing off Pienaar and Jelavic. He'll take time but I'd like to see more of him. He's got pace that we've sadly been lacking and it should serve us better in away games.
I don't think the Fellaini behind the front man experiment will be on show in this type of game, especially since Osman and Neville weren't too smart in the last game. Expect him to drop back with maybe Naismith taking that slot behind whoever starts up front. For as good as the squad is looking; we are hideously exposed if anything happens to either Fellaini or Gibson in the middle. Pienaar should start on the left as normal but I wouldn't be surprised to see him shoe horned in the middle if we don't get to grips with it soon.
The defence looked a bit sh*t. Jagielka and Distin have leaked four poor goals in the past two games. Maybe Heitinga replace one of them. While they've all got different attributes he's got arguably the better reading of the game and certainly the best passing, which helps us play a lot better from the back. Baines and Pienaar together on that left hand side are as a good as a combination of wide players that we've had for a long time. It's by virtue of this that it exposes how average our right hand side is. Hibbert had a solid game against Newcastle but I hope at some point Coleman get's a run. With Swansea possessing decent talent on the wings this likely won't be game for it.
I can't let it pass without referencing another mindf*ck from our usually trusty American keeper. I'd rather he politely stepped aside and let the opposition side foot the goal home rather than do that cringeworthy epileptic jack-in-the-box impression that came out again the other night. Seriously, what the [Poor language removed]? Sort it Tim.
And there it is. We gained some nice early season momentum and this will be a key game in keeping it ticking it over. It's not unusual (intended) for Everton to provide exactly the opposite of what you expect. I'm not expecting it will be the all conquering repeat of last season's fixture but they're there to be got at if we approach the game well enough.
Keep your wits about you in Dai's Thai Kingdom and enjoy the game.
Erm, Byarnii Sigs was their top lad last year.
Degs62
Player Valuation 10"
The dog is not a dog its a small longhaired dragon, the club mascot and the person of small stature in the front is clearly their goal keeper.
If we play a high line with Fellaini replacing Neville in midfield then I fancy us to keep a cleansheet.
0-0.
0-0.
Jamo Martinez
Player Valuation: £70m
And more to the point why the fcuk are Gary McCallister and Sammy Lee in the photo? The two on the left in the back row ffs
sportbillyblue
Player Valuation: £8m
Nice read, I've only read this one and the Newcastle brief though I'm inclined to agree with your own critique .. still a funny, clever read though.
What was it they would write on report cards ? "Good work, keep it up"
What was it they would write on report cards ? "Good work, keep it up"
TheFinnFan
Finners
Chico you should write a book. You are like a stone hard Oscar Wilde.
I predict this will be a tough one...0-1 to Toffs (Mirallas)
(hopefully both Mirallas & Naismith are in XI)
I predict this will be a tough one...0-1 to Toffs (Mirallas)
(hopefully both Mirallas & Naismith are in XI)
Christiffa25
Player Valuation: £35m
Next two games very important I feel in regards to how were going to do this season. 6pts and confidence will be high as well as us looking very strong in the league. Drop more points and it's all starting to look very average!!
B
Beagers
Guest
Without Gibson who was instrumental in how we got the result down there last season it will be tough,we'll have to baton down the hatches and dig in to get a result from this one,still fancy us though,2-1 the blues IMHO!!!
Summerskin
Player Valuation: £35m
You're funny.
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