Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[BluePaul86]

Feels like I need to post in here again. I was ill over xmas and new year with tonsilitis and flu, and that developed into pneumonia, so I am still feeling lousy one month on. My mental health has deteriorated rapidly during this period. Struggling massively with sleep hasn't helped as it's left me alone with my thoughts racing through my head which is never a good thing. I've worked all through this as well, not taken any time off and am just completely run down now.

I've been messaging a girl on an online site since October, we haven't met yet as she made it clear it would take a while for her to have confidence to meet someone new, which is understood. The chat was amazing though, so many common interests and it completely flowed. But since xmas, when she was ill as well the chat has fallen off a cliff somewhat. I've tried to keep it alive, but most of the time, she'll take days to reply, or if at all, and its always me instigating the conversation. I've also noticed she has created a brand new profile online with a lot more photos and description. I'm now convinced she has met someone else, she feels more comfortable with, and is 'dry texting' me to make me lose interest rather than being honest with me. Unfortunately I can't just switch off and instead i feel like I'm bothering her more by chasing texts and asking how she is everyday.

I know people will tell me to let go, delete her number and forget all about her, but I've never been able to just switch off or turn off feelings.

On top of how unhappy I am at work and my life in general, this was one good thing I had going and for some reason it's disappearing down the road.

I realise there's people on here with a lot worse things going on but I wanted to share my story as I don't have too many friends to tell anymore and my folks will never understand the online dating scene and how you can get hooked up on someone you've never met haha.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Rita_Poon]

Pneumonia is no walk in the park.
Get well, get some proper rest, and put winter behind you. It's spring in just over a month, and things start looking up.
If you're getting the run around from some strumpet, move on, life's to short to be being messed about.
So far as I know there's no need to qualify posting in here, if you want or need to shout something up do so - there's no judgement or recrimination.
Sometimes getting something said, or at least acknowledged goes a long way to putting it in it's place and being able to put it down and go again.
Also, it's not a compare and contrast, you can only deal with you, please don't feel you can't post here because someone else may have it worse. If something is dogging you (careful you wags!) and is on your case, sometimes it's best to get it off your chest.

If you are having bouts of swirling thoughts that are intruding, it might be time to sign up for some CBT and get some coping methods to help quieten down the worst of it. A good bit of exercise and some eating proper unmessed about with food and staying topped up on water goes a long way to clearing the body and then clearing the mind.

Take some time to rest. Even if that means vegging out in front of the tv with a few films you like and just recharging your batteries.

 

[BluePaul86]

Pneumonia is no walk in the park.
Get well, get some proper rest, and put winter behind you. It's spring in just over a month, and things start looking up.
If you're getting the run around from some strumpet, move on, life's to short to be being messed about.
So far as I know there's no need to qualify posting in here, if you want or need to shout something up do so - there's no judgement or recrimination.
Sometimes getting something said, or at least acknowledged goes a long way to putting it in it's place and being able to put it down and go again.
Also, it's not a compare and contrast, you can only deal with you, please don't feel you can't post here because someone else may have it worse. If something is dogging you (careful you wags!) and is on your case, sometimes it's best to get it off your chest.

If you are having bouts of swirling thoughts that are intruding, it might be time to sign up for some CBT and get some coping methods to help quieten down the worst of it. A good bit of exercise and some eating proper unmessed about with food and staying topped up on water goes a long way to clearing the body and then clearing the mind.

Take some time to rest. Even if that means vegging out in front of the tv with a few films you like and just recharging your batteries.

Thank you for your kind words and advice. All I feel like doing at the moment is chilling in front of the TV and finding a new boxset or movie to watch.

Unfortunately I know that as soon as I do this I'll start to feel on edge and want to check my phone to see if she's messaged or not. I know it's obsessive and unhealthy to be like this, but it's how I've always been.

 

[COYBL25]

Thank you for your kind words and advice. All I feel like doing at the moment is chilling in front of the TV and finding a new boxset or movie to watch.

Unfortunately I know that as soon as I do this I'll start to feel on edge and want to check my phone to see if she's messaged or not. I know it's obsessive and unhealthy to be like this, but it's how I've always been.

Hi mate,

This is the problem with " virtual " relationships, as they`re just that, " virtual ".

I`d say that seeing as you`ve been messaging each other since October, that three plus months, should certainly quantify as being long enough for her to get her " confidence up " to meet up with you.

By the sounds of what you say, the only way you`re going to get this girl out of your system and be able to move on, one way or another, is by suggesting a meet up ?

There`s a chance she may ghost you or turn you down / make excuses not meet up, but as much as that`ll hurt you, at least that way you can lick your wounds on move on.

I`m not trying to be arl arse mate, but looking from the outside in, this is the only way I can see for your to move forward, one way or another.

 

[BluePaul86]

Hi mate,

This is the problem with " virtual " relationships, as they`re just that, " virtual ".

I`d say that seeing as you`ve been messaging each other since October, that three plus months, should certainly quantify as being long enough for her to get her " confidence up " to meet up with you.

By the sounds of what you say, the only way you`re going to get this girl out of your system and be able to move on, one way or another, is by suggesting a meet up ?

There`s a chance she may ghost you or turn you down / make excuses not meet up, but as much as that`ll hurt you, at least that way you can lick your wounds on move on.

I`m not trying to be arl arse mate, but looking from the outside in, this is the only way I can see for your to move forward, one way or another.

Cheers mate, that's exactly what I needed to hear. Tbh I'm at the point now where I don't expect to hear from her again, it's been over 72 hours since I checked in with her and no response.

What I need to do is to train myself not to message her again in a day or two and move on completely.

 

[Nymzee]

Cheers mate, that's exactly what I needed to hear. Tbh I'm at the point now where I don't expect to hear from her again, it's been over 72 hours since I checked in with her and no response.

What I need to do is to train myself not to message her again in a day or two and move on completely.

Can you not just unmatch her profile off your app? Or has it moved onto texting/instagram etc.?

 

[coollino]

I think after 3 months, if she doesn't live miles away or have kids or something, you should probably move on (in the nicest possible way).

Obviously she may be fully genuine and may have confidence issues but if you haven't spoken to her say on the phone or thought a voice note (I think people do these anyway), it seems of a bit of a red flag to me. There needs to be some progress in a quarter of a year.

I can imagine it's pretty difficult to cut things off like this with dating apps/always having your phone with you etc so it will probably take a while to get over it fully, so I wouldn't put pressure on it being sorted within a day or two - modern dating scares the hell out of me if you actually like someone, so there is no shame in finding that breaking it off that it gets to you

@BluePaul86

 

[BluePaul86]

Can you not just unmatch her profile off your app? Or has it moved onto texting/instagram etc.?

It moved onto texting, WhatsApp primarily, so I can see that my message at the weekend was read and my follow up on Monday to ask how she was, was never read even though she's been online. I suppose the only thing to do is delete her number and that'll be that.

 

[COYBL25]

It moved onto texting, WhatsApp primarily, so I can see that my message at the weekend was read and my follow up on Monday to ask how she was, was never read even though she's been online. I suppose the only thing to do is delete her number and that'll be that.

Just archive it mate, that way if she does get back in touch, you`ll know it`s her.

 

[BluePaul86]

I think after 3 months, if she doesn't live miles away or have kids or something, you should probably move on (in the nicest possible way).

Obviously she may be fully genuine and may have confidence issues but if you haven't spoken to her say on the phone or thought a voice note (I think people do these anyway), it seems of a bit of a red flag to me. There needs to be some progress in a quarter of a year.

I can imagine it's pretty difficult to cut things off like this with dating apps/always having your phone with you etc so it will probably take a while to get over it fully, so I wouldn't put pressure on it being sorted within a day or two - modern dating scares the hell out of me if you actually like someone, so there is no shame in finding that breaking it off that it gets to you

@BluePaul86

Yeah I'm beginning to think she's used me until someone better came along and never had any intention of meeting up. Now I believe she's ghosting me, thinking it's easier than being honest with me, but all it's doing is adding to my anxiety.

 

[coollino]

Yeah I'm beginning to think she's used me until someone better came along and never had any intention of meeting up. Now I believe she's ghosting me, thinking it's easier than being honest with me, but all it's doing is adding to my anxiety.

The modern dating world seems so fickle though apps etc that I doubt it's even anything personal, it just seems to be the way it is sadly

All my mates who have have been single over the years, who were on apps, actually ended up meeting their partners through more traditional ways and they all pretty much happened out of nowhere

, if she is being like this now as least you know what she is like and you've dodged a bullet long term

 

[Tim's tourettes]

Yeah I'm beginning to think she's used me until someone better came along and never had any intention of meeting up. Now I believe she's ghosting me, thinking it's easier than being honest with me, but all it's doing is adding to my anxiety.

Some cracking advice on here already, I'd second all of it, especially the diet and excercise part. Can work wonders.
I can't relate to the online dating stuff mainly as I'm a boring middle aged married man however I totally relate to the anxiety and constant phone checking.
For me it's world events that have me on edge and feeling like I can't relax.... your mention of checking your phone constantly hit home for me.
I've found good habits work, when u go to pick up the phone stop yourself. Have a look at self distraction techniques on Google....I press into a certain spot on my eyebrow when I'm tempted to start doom scrolling on the Internet... after a good chunk of time, I don't even need to do that now. I feel like I've got the control back.
On the online chatting to a woman, can you just get back in the saddle, so to speak? From what I'm told by my single mate, there are loads of women out there!! Talking to someone else (who actually wants to meet up) would be a massive distraction!
Re the lack of mates to speak with, again this maybe old fashioned of me, but what hobbies do u have? Find a new one, make new mates etc?
Whatever u choose, good luck with it, I can tell you from experience that sitting round doing nothing to help yourself doesn't help!

 

[BluePaul86]

Some cracking advice on here already, I'd second all of it, especially the diet and excercise part. Can work wonders.
I can't relate to the online dating stuff mainly as I'm a boring middle aged married man however I totally relate to the anxiety and constant phone checking.
For me it's world events that have me on edge and feeling like I can't relax.... your mention of checking your phone constantly hit home for me.
I've found good habits work, when u go to pick up the phone stop yourself. Have a look at self distraction techniques on Google....I press into a certain spot on my eyebrow when I'm tempted to start doom scrolling on the Internet... after a good chunk of time, I don't even need to do that now. I feel like I've got the control back.
On the online chatting to a woman, can you just get back in the saddle, so to speak? From what I'm told by my single mate, there are loads of women out there!! Talking to someone else (who actually wants to meet up) would be a massive distraction!
Re the lack of mates to speak with, again this maybe old fashioned of me, but what hobbies do u have? Find a new one, make new mates etc?
Whatever u choose, good luck with it, I can tell you from experience that sitting round doing nothing to help yourself doesn't help!

Thanks mate, really good advice. I need to get over my bout of illness and then see how I can improve my life and meet new people. Your last sentence really struck home as I've spent far too long sitting round doing nothing to help myself.

 

[Vintage]

Feels like I need to post in here again. I was ill over xmas and new year with tonsilitis and flu, and that developed into pneumonia, so I am still feeling lousy one month on. My mental health has deteriorated rapidly during this period. Struggling massively with sleep hasn't helped as it's left me alone with my thoughts racing through my head which is never a good thing. I've worked all through this as well, not taken any time off and am just completely run down now.

I've been messaging a girl on an online site since October, we haven't met yet as she made it clear it would take a while for her to have confidence to meet someone new, which is understood. The chat was amazing though, so many common interests and it completely flowed. But since xmas, when she was ill as well the chat has fallen off a cliff somewhat. I've tried to keep it alive, but most of the time, she'll take days to reply, or if at all, and its always me instigating the conversation. I've also noticed she has created a brand new profile online with a lot more photos and description. I'm now convinced she has met someone else, she feels more comfortable with, and is 'dry texting' me to make me lose interest rather than being honest with me. Unfortunately I can't just switch off and instead i feel like I'm bothering her more by chasing texts and asking how she is everyday.

I know people will tell me to let go, delete her number and forget all about her, but I've never been able to just switch off or turn off feelings.

On top of how unhappy I am at work and my life in general, this was one good thing I had going and for some reason it's disappearing down the road.

I realise there's people on here with a lot worse things going on but I wanted to share my story as I don't have too many friends to tell anymore and my folks will never understand the online dating scene and how you can get hooked up on someone you've never met haha.

Thanks for reading.

Hey Paul. Ya look everyone has worse problems. The same way everyone Will be taller. Smaller, fatter or slimmer than the next person. I can understand you have a lack of confidence but at least you have had the balls to stake your story here which alot would not do. Look honestly from the inside out it sounds like that woman tried to scam you...I could be totally wrong btw but you seem to be a lad that's well able to chat so try what you can do here with birds. And a person's problem is only relevant to that person no big or small it is. What can be big in your mind can be insignificant to someone else and visa versa

 

[Bryan+]

This place seems like a decent place to share what has happened to me in the past few years. Not now, but one day.