Keep trying! I smoked for around 30 years, started around 12/13 years old, going halves with mates on packs of 10 or whatever, was full time smoker by 15. I’d say I averaged around between 10-15 a day. All my life experiences growing up were accompanied by smokes, all the things that make a life, playing in a band in smoke filled sitting rooms, all the teenage romance, smoke, smoke, smoke, stopping playing sports to hang around smoking, college and coffee and debates to the early hours shrouded in smoke, college digs full of ashtrays, rizlas, boxes of matches, every possession and clothing stinking of smoke, every meal or task was only completed by having a smoke, a cigarette as a punctuation mark.
I had a CT scan for suspected leukaemia around 2012, so I’d been smoking for around 22 years at that point, anyway the doctor gave me the good news that I didn’t have leukaemia but what I did have was a lot of scaring on my lungs, she told me if I didn’t quit I would almost certainly end up with emphysema, showed me the scan’s, literally showed me the dark blobs on my own lungs. I managed to not have a smoke directly after leaving the hospital, which would have been the standard pavlovian finish task/have smoke but I was back puffing away within hours, the whole ‘mortality is something that only applies to others’ and the ‘if I’m going down, I’m going down sparking up’ rebellion against reality addict brain is a thing of wonder.
Smoke, smoke, smoke and then COVID came along, I knew my lungs were garbage and was probably the first time I really thought ‘I could be in a bit of trouble here’ so I had to try and quit, just before the first lockdown I went the shops and bought 5 packs, which was around a weeks worth, 100 cigarettes, and I just told myself these are the last cigarettes I’ll ever buy, and as I smoked them I was hyper aware that it was a countdown to an end point, a new beginning, I downloaded the Smoke Free app, in my head I was kind of angry, I was to some degree ‘rage quitting’, angry at the companies that make cigarettes, that covered up the scientific evidence, that lied, angry at the government that not only continued to allow a known cancer causing product to be sold but also gouged the addict with 70% or so of the price being tax, but mostly angry at my own stupidity, and weakness. I decided to go cold turkey, I didn’t want to substitute one habit with another, that was still the anger, I wanted to prove to myself I had a bit of willpower.
I’m looking at the app now, I’m 4 years 3 months and 4 days smoke free, and like others have mentioned, I can’t believe how I used to be so controlled by the habit. I can’t even remember those first few days of the quit, I know they weren’t nice, but you come out the other side. You come out the other side and as every day passes, become weeks, become months were you don’t even think about it, what seemed like a huge unachievable thing seems nearly an insignificant thing. I really hope you try again, get angry!
and that's after 50 years smoking.
