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Corporate babble, horsecrap values, and other idiocy.

Daveysgingerlovechild

Daveysgingerlovechild

HOOF
Forum Supporter
Morning.

I find myself increasingly distracted by my employers insistence on promoting shallow and see through values they supposedly adhere to.

They are one step away from referring to us as 'Comrades' in all staff emails.

Anyway, a space to vent, despair or share particularly ridiculous or egregious examples of this psuedo-marketing HR babble.

Over and out, a v grumpy DGLC.
 

KaiserEFC said:
How can the people that come up with this not see that everybody knows it’s all bollocks? Managers pretend to believe it but they too know it’s bollocks. Sod and your “family” and your pizza Fridays and pay me.
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They got some serious neck.

What I find really interesting is that there's folk above me I know fully appreciate how much horseshit this is, but have to try and push/defend it. Or go through processes like appraisals or personal development plans where various bollocks is increasingly woven into.

Insidious. Human Resources and marketing teams are evil. Nea.
 
Daveysgingerlovechild said:
They got some serious neck.

What I find really interesting is that there's folk above me I know fully appreciate how much horseshit this is, but have to try and push/defend it. Or go through processes like appraisals or personal development plans where various bollocks is increasingly woven into.

Insidious. Human Resources and marketing teams are evil. Nea.
Click to expand...
And they always give it “yeah I know it’s rubbish but we’ve got to do it mate” like they’re trying to level with you. No you don’t have to do it. If it’s nonsense don’t do it. What king of attitude is that? We’ve made this system for ourselves why make it so bollocks?

Sorry I’ve now wound myself up
 

In a previous job, I was a regional manager across the north of the UK for a chain of restaurants/bars.

A lot of the job was being the tit from 'central' who rocks up, and checks they're all on brand. So food, drink etc all consistent. "lad you've put 1 tomato on there, there should be *checks book*, 3!" - ensuring they aren't using local suppliers. Basically whipping them if they weren't doing what 'central' down in London who they never saw told them.

Anyway, HR decided retention of bar staff was too low, and in one of their stupid projects - the outcome was people who act/in Hollywood never leave. So the people behind the bar on minimum wage were to become "performers".

They paid a few bob on improving behind the scenes to make it like dressing rooms. Talking 60+ venues here. No direct benefit to the staff. Before they walked out behind the bar, internally there was like a mirror with "it's show time" in lights around it. They had to huddle before opening and shout "its show time". Hospitality staff were to be referred to strictly as cast members.

They asked me if as part of my audit, to check they were all following the project Hollywood initiative.

I resigned.
 
GrandOldTeam said:
In a previous job, I was a regional manager across the north of the UK for a chain of restaurants/bars.

A lot of the job was being the tit from 'central' who rocks up, and checks they're all on brand. So food, drink etc all consistent. "lad you've put 1 tomato on there, there should be *checks book*, 3!" - ensuring they aren't using local suppliers. Basically whipping them if they weren't doing what 'central' down in London who they never saw told them.

Anyway, HR decided retention of bar staff was too low, and in one of their stupid projects - the outcome was people who act/in Hollywood never leave. So the people behind the bar on minimum wage were to become "performers".

They paid a few bob on improving behind the scenes to make it like dressing rooms. Talking 60+ venues here. No direct benefit to the staff. Before they walked out behind the bar, internally there was like a mirror with "it's show time" in lights around it. They had to huddle before opening and shout "its show time". Hospitality staff were to be referred to strictly as cast members.

They asked me if as part of my audit, to check they were all following the project Hollywood initiative.

I resigned.
Click to expand...
Things like that just wreck my head. Could speak to the staff and resolve their issues where possible. Nah, sod it, get them prancing about like idiots with no tangible benefit to them.
 
‘Strong-her’ was one my work did recently. Was meant to be something about empowering women in the workplace.
Not sure how anyone should feel inspired by that. Just give people more money FFS.
Always feel these pat on back inclusivity programmes are just a way of saying how much your work is appreciated without having to give any extra cash for it.
 
JimmyJeffers said:
‘Strong-her’ was one my work did recently. Was meant to be something about empowering women in the workplace.
Not sure how anyone should feel inspired by that. Just give people more money FFS.
Always feel these pat on back inclusivity programmes are just a way of saying how much your work is appreciated without having to give any extra cash for it.
Click to expand...
Agree. This thread is winding me up. Going yo have to take breather otherwise I'll be writing a snotty email to HR and copying in the CEO.
 
I could've filled pages on here with the crap I heard and read in education. Much of it lifted from businesses and was entirely irrelevant in education, but was just boilerplate jargon that was, overnight, the most important thing ever, for management.

In my early days we had to have a "training day" to decide on the schools mission statement. My suggestion "to teach kids" was dismissed as too short and not on point. After a lot of thought I came up with "to teach kids stuff". It wasn't adopted.

Still to this day, give me any document and I don't read the top half of the page because I know it's where all this guff is printed.
 

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