Corporate babble, horsecrap values, and other idiocy.

I used to hate the " team building " days out, you know the ones, where you go to some mad river by Snowdon and have to build rafts from scratch in the middle of January and navigate the river without falling in.

There`d always be a couple of " out to impress the boss " knobheads, who`d turn up in brand new Low Alpine gear, that must`ve cost over a grand and was more suited to the higher slopes of Everest, who`d always end up nearly drowning trying to prove that they were taking things seriously in front of the boss.

It`d have just been much easier to go on a massive pub crawl like the old days of " team building "
 
Me and a mate have kept a running tally over the last couple of years of corporate cockshow lingo we both hear way too much at our respective jobs. Here's a sample -
Tangible benefits
Cross tenure approach
Champion the movement
Drive the change
It's inside/outside your wheelhouse
Focus session
The left hand isn't talking to the right hand
Trust the process
 
Amokachi1995 said:
Things like that just wreck my head. Could speak to the staff and resolve their issues where possible. Nah, sod it, get them prancing about like idiots with no tangible benefit to them.
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That's the classic though - "staff are saying they're not happy with payment and work load? We know what to do! Pizza Friday once a month! YAY!"

The hell do they think this achieves ffs

At least in my current job HR are self-aware and decent people who avoid all the crap like that and the "family" talk.
 
COYBL25 said:
I used to hate the " team building " days out, you know the ones, where you go to some mad river by Snowdon and have to build rafts from scratch in the middle of January and navigate the river without falling in.

There`d always be a couple of " out to impress the boss " knobheads, who`d turn up in brand new Low Alpine gear, that must`ve cost over a grand and was more suited to the higher slopes of Everest, who`d always end up nearly drowning trying to prove that they were taking things seriously in front of the boss.

It`d have just been much easier to go on a massive pub crawl like the old days of " team building "
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We have 1 big team building a year usually in a spa/5 star hotel or resort and monthly "happy hour" events where we go to bars and have drinks and food and the company pays them, or it's just food in the office.

It's a "remote first" job so it's pretty cool to meet more of the people that annoy me online, so they can annoy me face to face as well. Refreshing.
 
I used to work for a well known electrical retailer and they’d have all kinds of nonsense to try and sound all heard edged business types. In the corridor before going out onto the shop floor was a mirror that had the caption ‘visualise success’ above it, and the wall along the corridor had a board where everyone had to put a note about what inspired them, leading to all kinds of bull crud replies. Each store had its own email address and they all had their own unique signatures at the bottom. My store had its address and phone number on the signature line because I changed it. One store in particular (well known railway station and feeder football club) had a signature that read, Open eyes, free hearts and clear minds, can not fail. Black Friday was stressful hell for the staff but the company promoted it as Black Fri Yay! and asked everyone if they we’re passionately driven to deliver a great day, which entailed twelve hour shifts and a few fifteen minute breaks thrown in, for no extra pay. I think they thought that the staff were all running round high fiving each other. The berks.
 

chrismpw said:
I could've filled pages on here with the crap I heard and read in education. Much of it lifted from businesses and was entirely irrelevant in education, but was just boilerplate jargon that was, overnight, the most important thing ever, for management.

In my early days we had to have a "training day" to decide on the schools mission statement. My suggestion "to teach kids" was dismissed as too short and not on point. After a lot of thought I came up with "to teach kids stuff". It wasn't adopted.

Still to this day, give me any document and I don't read the top half of the page because I know it's where all this guff is printed.
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Yes, there's an army of MBAs, HR degree holders and other bullshitters just waiting to institute boilerplate models to any and all sectors, like it or not.

Anyone got competency frameworks to navigate? Vacuous, by and large.
 
I dunno, I like all the talk of diversity and inclusion at my place over the last say 5 yrs and I feel like they follow through. There's a couple of mouthy types on my team, the ones who express their dumb opinions loudly as they are so convinced they are right they assume others agree and those that don't should be ridiculed. For me I feel it's the whole company backing me with a message to be inclusive and not be a bellend. Its helped me a lot with changing completely the atmosphere on the team. I have a real mix of people with different backgrounds and the two lads in fairness have curbed a lot of the stupid stuff and get on fine with people they would have been ridiculing some years previous. For that part of them that will never mature they just keep it to themselves. They no longer dominate the conversation.

However that for me comes from them deciding an overall "theme" to place great importance on, but then not forcing you into restrictive corporate action plans. I can basically just apply a common sense be sound, patient, respectful and polite approach....protect the nice working atmosphere we have....and if any problems come up that go against an overall message of diversity/inclusion I just point to it and say hey, that doesn't represent the company you work for.

I don't think I could work where I was forced into activities or communications I didn't believe in or care about, so I hope it doesn't change much from what we have now
 
Daveysgingerlovechild said:
Morning.

I find myself increasingly distracted by my employers insistence on promoting shallow and see through values they supposedly adhere to.

They are one step away from referring to us as 'Comrades' in all staff emails.

Anyway, a space to vent, despair or share particularly ridiculous or egregious examples of this psuedo-marketing HR babble.

Over and out, a v grumpy DGLC.
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Beat them at their own game @Daveysgingerlovechild
Below is my blueprint for inventing your very own "psuedo-marketing babble" with which to impress the gullible and annoy the pompous.
Simply choose a 3 digit number at random, then take the corresponding word from each column. For example 8-3-9 would give you MEANINGFUL PUBLIC CONSULTATION.
Try to use your selected phrase at least twice in every meeting. ;) Change your list monthly.

1)ROBUST 1)MANAGEMENT 1)CAPABILITY
2)SYSTEMATIZED 2)ORGANISATIONAL 2)MOBILITY
3)FUTURISTIC 3)PUBLIC 3)PATHWAYS
4)3rd GENERATION 4)FLEXIBLE 4)SCENARIOS
5)SYNCHRONISED 5)DIGITAL 5)PROJECTIONS
6)RESPONSIVE 6)INCREMENTAL 6)TIME-PHASES
7)PROGRESSIVE 7)LOGISTICAL 7)SCREENING
8)MEANINGFUL 8)COMPATIBLE 8)PLANNING
9)INTEGRATED 9)COHERENT 9)CONSULTATION
 

kev said:
Beat them at their own game @Daveysgingerlovechild
Below is my blueprint for inventing your very own "psuedo-marketing babble" with which to impress the gullible and annoy the pompous.
Simply choose a 3 digit number at random, then take the corresponding word from each column. For example 8-3-9 would give you MEANINGFUL PUBLIC CONSULTATION.
Try to use your selected phrase at least twice in every meeting. ;) Change your list monthly.

1)ROBUST 1)MANAGEMENT 1)CAPABILITY
2)SYSTEMATIZED 2)ORGANISATIONAL 2)MOBILITY
3)FUTURISTIC 3)PUBLIC 3)PATHWAYS
4)3rd GENERATION 4)FLEXIBLE 4)SCENARIOS
5)SYNCHRONISED 5)DIGITAL 5)PROJECTIONS
6)RESPONSIVE 6)INCREMENTAL 6)TIME-PHASES
7)PROGRESSIVE 7)LOGISTICAL 7)SCREENING
8)MEANINGFUL 8)COMPATIBLE 8)PLANNING
9)INTEGRATED 9)COHERENT 9)CONSULTATION
Click to expand...
Calling me pompous?

Fair.

Ffs.
 
Thank God, I have retired.

Just got out in time, but kept my mouth shut for the last couple of years.

In house training would often descend into denunciations and suspicion.

It was no longer about trying to do your job well, but rather finding and burning the 'witch'.
 

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