Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[PhilM]

Thanks mate I hope you get a decent result from your legal stuff. I've messaged privately and have taken the free advice offer as I was just stuck in a rut before. I was at my 'house' today and it's really affected my eldest son. So hard to take. He's gone from a quiet but cheerful kid to being manic and hard to control at times in a few months. I don't think I could move back in. I'd be camping in the living room and it would get toxic very fast.
Fingers crossed for you.

In the short-term, it's a horrible situation and I won't try to gloss over it - it'll cause anxiety and pain.

Yet, importantly, in the long-term the whole situation will sort itself out and the relationship between you and your children will be fine; they will be fine too!

Be supportive and try to be the better person, which can mean you unfairly taking more of the financial burden, but it'll be worth it. But, don't be taken for a mug.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Here goes. I've been looking at this thread and thinking about posting for a few months but Ive found it hard to get the words out. Sorry if this is a bit long. A year ago my wife said she wanted to split up and I was devastated. I didn't agree and we went to a couple of counselling sessions but I could tell her mind was made up. I have a 5 year old and a one year old (just a few months old at the time) who mean the world to me.
Then Covid hit and we had months treading water and with a 5 year old and baby I was busy so it didn't hit home as hard as it might. Walking the baby in Lockdown gave me time to think and I came to realise she was probably right as we hadn't got on for a long time. We spoke and the upshot was we would split and I would move out but stay amicable and I could visit anytime I liked/be a big part of my boys lives. My eldest loves football, supports Everton and I've spent so much time with him that we have a nice bond.
So I move out in August (against my will) but I'm still paying most of the mortgage on our house and rent so I'm skint and had an awful 6 weeks or so missing being with my lads every day. However I was seeing them every weekend and a couple of nights after work as I'm only a mile away so it was horrible but bearable.
The last 6 weeks or so my wife has changed and cut back my visits to one day at the weekend and once in the week. Suddenly I'm detrimental to the boys and she doesn't want me around them. I can honestly say I haven't changed, if anything I've tried to be as cheerful as possible (as I struggled initially not to break down in front of them, when my eldest said he wanted me to move back for example ) and not questioned her decisions or ideas. My eldest has gone from being a lovely kid to misbehaving and hitting out at her. It's happened since I've not been there as much. She blames me for being too firm with him but I don't feel I'm any different from any other dad's I know.
I'm a teacher and I'm off on half term. Usually I'd spend whole days with my boys but I feel like I'm having to beg to see them. I don't want to start getting legal and solicitors involved because I feel it will negatively affect my eldest even more. I just feel like a shell of my former self and so powerless. It's really knocked my confidence and I'm on egg shells every time I'm there. Some of my mates know but I haven't told many people at work because I feel embarrassed, especially because I used to talk about my kids all the time.
Any ideas or advice gratefully received as I'm struggling at the moment .

You probably meant well by moving out to keep the peace.
Who knows, you may think theres a chance of reconciliation .
Its easier said than done ,but you need to sit down with the mother and speak .
If you start getting the guilt cards thrown about then I'm sorry to say the legal way will be the next step.
There will be light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Spotty]

Brilliant. Well done

Well done fella

 

[Spotty]

Here goes. I've been looking at this thread and thinking about posting for a few months but Ive found it hard to get the words out. Sorry if this is a bit long. A year ago my wife said she wanted to split up and I was devastated. I didn't agree and we went to a couple of counselling sessions but I could tell her mind was made up. I have a 5 year old and a one year old (just a few months old at the time) who mean the world to me.
Then Covid hit and we had months treading water and with a 5 year old and baby I was busy so it didn't hit home as hard as it might. Walking the baby in Lockdown gave me time to think and I came to realise she was probably right as we hadn't got on for a long time. We spoke and the upshot was we would split and I would move out but stay amicable and I could visit anytime I liked/be a big part of my boys lives. My eldest loves football, supports Everton and I've spent so much time with him that we have a nice bond.
So I move out in August (against my will) but I'm still paying most of the mortgage on our house and rent so I'm skint and had an awful 6 weeks or so missing being with my lads every day. However I was seeing them every weekend and a couple of nights after work as I'm only a mile away so it was horrible but bearable.
The last 6 weeks or so my wife has changed and cut back my visits to one day at the weekend and once in the week. Suddenly I'm detrimental to the boys and she doesn't want me around them. I can honestly say I haven't changed, if anything I've tried to be as cheerful as possible (as I struggled initially not to break down in front of them, when my eldest said he wanted me to move back for example ) and not questioned her decisions or ideas. My eldest has gone from being a lovely kid to misbehaving and hitting out at her. It's happened since I've not been there as much. She blames me for being too firm with him but I don't feel I'm any different from any other dad's I know.
I'm a teacher and I'm off on half term. Usually I'd spend whole days with my boys but I feel like I'm having to beg to see them. I don't want to start getting legal and solicitors involved because I feel it will negatively affect my eldest even more. I just feel like a shell of my former self and so powerless. It's really knocked my confidence and I'm on egg shells every time I'm there. Some of my mates know but I haven't told many people at work because I feel embarrassed, especially because I used to talk about my kids all the time.
Any ideas or advice gratefully received as I'm struggling at the moment .

Preki, the Judge expects Mediation to have taken place before going to Court. Both parties must try to work things out BEFORE taking the legal option. If you are named on the birth certicate, you do have access rights as long as you are Trustworthy with the kids. Your wife can NOT stop you having access to your kids. In Court the judge will look at both cases and make a balanced decision on what's best for the kids, not the parents. Regarding your mental health , share your problems, discuss them as there are people who want to help. See your GP for further help if you are struggling. What I would say is as has been said, be reasonable and measured at all times if you can. It will help your case if you go to Court for more access. Click the link below for more info buddy. It provides lots of usefull links. Take care buddy.

Parental rights and responsibilities

Who has parental responsibility for looking after children, and how to apply for parental responsibility if you were unmarried to the mother or are not on the birth certificate

www.gov.uk

 

[COYBL25]

Preki, the Judge expects Mediation to have taken place before going to Court. Both parties must try to work things out BEFORE taking the legal option. If you are named on the birth certicate, you do have access rights as long as you are Trustworthy with the kids. Your wife can NOT stop you having access to your kids. In Court the judge will look at both cases and make a balanced decision on what's best for the kids, not the parents. Regarding your mental health , share your problems, discuss them as there are people who want to help. See your GP for further help if you are struggling. What I would say is as has been said, be reasonable and measured at all times if you can. It will help your case if you go to Court for more access. Click the link below for more info buddy. It provides lots of usefull links. Take care buddy.

Parental rights and responsibilities

Who has parental responsibility for looking after children, and how to apply for parental responsibility if you were unmarried to the mother or are not on the birth certificate

www.gov.uk

Great advice mate.

However, as we all know, just because the law says the father legally has access to his children, there’s nothing to stop the mother making it very difficult for him to see them and using the kids as weapons against him.

 

[Preki]

Preki, the Judge expects Mediation to have taken place before going to Court. Both parties must try to work things out BEFORE taking the legal option. If you are named on the birth certicate, you do have access rights as long as you are Trustworthy with the kids. Your wife can NOT stop you having access to your kids. In Court the judge will look at both cases and make a balanced decision on what's best for the kids, not the parents. Regarding your mental health , share your problems, discuss them as there are people who want to help. See your GP for further help if you are struggling. What I would say is as has been said, be reasonable and measured at all times if you can. It will help your case if you go to Court for more access. Click the link below for more info buddy. It provides lots of usefull links. Take care buddy.

Parental rights and responsibilities

Who has parental responsibility for looking after children, and how to apply for parental responsibility if you were unmarried to the mother or are not on the birth certificate

www.gov.uk

Many thanks.

 

[Spotty]

Thanks mate I hope you get a decent result from your legal stuff. I've messaged privately and have taken the free advice offer as I was just stuck in a rut before. I was at my 'house' today and it's really affected my eldest son. So hard to take. He's gone from a quiet but cheerful kid to being manic and hard to control at times in a few months. I don't think I could move back in. I'd be camping in the living room and it would get toxic very fast.
Fingers crossed for you.

Preki, further to my previous post to you. I volunteer for the CAB. If your wife refuses to discuss your access rights or even meet, document what you have tried to do in terms of reasonably discussing the matter. The link I included contains info on how to start legal action, what needs to happen and if I recall, has templates on how to start getting more access. I stress again, if you are a good honest dad who is Trustworthy and responsible, any Court will look at your case in a balanced way. As long as you have followed the process, your voice will be heard. Good luck Preki.

 

[Spotty]

Great advice mate.

However, as we all know, just because the law says the father legally has access to his children, there’s nothing to stop the mother making it very difficult for him to see them and using the kids as weapons against him.

This 100% mate.

 

[Preki]

Preki, further to my previous post to you. I volunteer for the CAB. If your wife refuses to discuss your access rights or even meet, document what you have tried to do in terms of reasonably discussing the matter. The link I included contains info on how to start legal action, what needs to happen and if I recall, has templates on how to start getting more access. I stress again, if you are a good honest dad who is Trustworthy and responsible, any Court will look at your case in a balanced way. As long as you have followed the process, your voice will be heard. Good luck Preki.

Im hoping it doesn't come to that but I appreciate the offer. I feel I am trustworthy etc. I'm head of department at work, never let my kids down. I've had some low periods especially this last year but I'm certain I'd get regular access if it came to court proceedings. There's no one else involved in our separation or anything.
I'm going to talk with my wife again about it, hopefully persuade her to see sense. I can accept seeing my boys one day every weekend and one or two evenings a week in working weeks but just want to be more flexible in the holidays. I've spoken to my father in law as well this week. He's not going to rock the boat with his daughter but I think he sees where I'm coming from.

 

[Paul Rideout]

I can’t take the commentary

 

[Spotty]

Im hoping it doesn't come to that but I appreciate the offer. I feel I am trustworthy etc. I'm head of department at work, never let my kids down. I've had some low periods especially this last year but I'm certain I'd get regular access if it came to court proceedings. There's no one else involved in our separation or anything.
I'm going to talk with my wife again about it, hopefully persuade her to see sense. I can accept seeing my boys one day every weekend and one or two evenings a week in working weeks but just want to be more flexible in the holidays. I've spoken to my father in law as well this week. He's not going to rock the boat with his daughter but I think he sees where I'm coming from.

Sounds to me you have a good handle on things Preki. Good luck sir

 

[flibbyflob]

Well after a great weekend, back down to earth with a bump. School reunion being organised and hearing about those who have died that you didn't know about is a real kick in the balls. Add in a drunk other half telling me I only getting in touch as I want to pull a woman I went to school with and it a rough day.

I raise a toast to those who have gone and shed a tear knowing a few took their own lives and acknowledge I am a lucky guy despite everything that I may think is crap in my life.

 

[DownOnTheUpside]

Struggling a lot atm lads

my gf has been in and out of hospital with a chronic condition, she’s also lost her mum and there’s bugger all I can do for any of it
Hate feeling like this, don’t mind if there’s something I can do but this sitting around feeling useless is killing me
Add that to the death we had on our side last month and the lockdown dragging on and on and can’t go the gym (which i usually use to keep my head on track) and it’s just a complete mess atm

tbh thought I could use putting it out there semi anonymously because I need to vent

 

[larbert toffee]

Struggling a lot atm lads

my gf has been in and out of hospital with a chronic condition, she’s also lost her mum and there’s bugger all I can do for any of it
Hate feeling like this, don’t mind if there’s something I can do but this sitting around feeling useless is killing me
Add that to the death we had on our side last month and the lockdown dragging on and on and can’t go the gym (which i usually use to keep my head on track) and it’s just a complete mess atm

tbh thought I could use putting it out there semi anonymously because I need to vent

Vent away mate, better out than in.
Sorry you're not on top form but you're not alone, this pandemic has touched everyone in a negative manner one way or another, losing your girlfriend's mum obviously doesn't help matters.
I don't go to the gym myself but I do fully understand why the likes of yourself would miss it, obviously the exercise and release of endorphins, the social and habitual aspect of it, all in all it's a lot to miss.
Whilst not the gym, try getting out locally for a robust walk you'd be amazed at how good it makes you feel. I am fortunate to live on the edge of a town but next to countryside, I now go for long walks on my days off with the Mrs,
It's great seeing the wildlife and breathing fresh air.
I hope your girlfriend's condition isn't serious and your period of being up on the downside ( See what I did there) is short lived, I'm sure it will be mate, best of luck hope you are all sorted soon.

 

[phil_Abbott]

Struggling a lot atm lads

my gf has been in and out of hospital with a chronic condition, she’s also lost her mum and there’s bugger all I can do for any of it
Hate feeling like this, don’t mind if there’s something I can do but this sitting around feeling useless is killing me
Add that to the death we had on our side last month and the lockdown dragging on and on and can’t go the gym (which i usually use to keep my head on track) and it’s just a complete mess atm

tbh thought I could use putting it out there semi anonymously because I need to vent

I was in your shoes before Christmas..
To be honest I've struggled for years, losing both parents my wife and getting made redundant.
Over ten years ago.
Recently gone on tablets!
They bloody work too!
Relevies anxiety,stress and depression.
I find going for walk or a little cycling helps a lot.
Clears my head!
Just don't stare at 4 walls.
Take care it good to talk