Looking at the posts recently, I can't help been emphasise with you as I'm going through possibly one of my lowest periods of my life. Reading about people living alone and how that is problematic, take some solace that you aren't alone in that feeling and the same sort of isolation, loneliness, the "wave of doubt" hits others who don't live alone as well. I'm happily married, a very supportive wife who literally just said she'll work 24/7 if it increases my happiness because my job is soul destroying and leaving me hollow. (At no point would I let her).
@brieverton mentions about the being alone and the solitude you get sometimes and that strength that comes with it, but my god it's only a short-term thing and most of the time, when it hits you, it beats you, beats you hard. I haven't gambled for 18 months, I haven't smoked for a good few months now so I should be in a much better place. Mentally however I'm probably worse than ever, I dont have a core social group. I have one or two people from work who are mates, and in fairness did message me the other day knowing something was up, but equally the same ones are the ones who I have to work with and when I eventually leave this job, either through a stroke a luck or death, I will barely hear from either. Which is completely unfair on them, but when it's happened before and so often, then naturally you can forsee it happening.
Bit of a story but...
I don't drink, which i've learned over the age period of 18-30 is a huge disadvantage to forming a social circle. I recognise my faults when I was younger, I had a rough deal with life when I was 11, starting high school and my dad was pretty much on deaths door due to a hollyoaks actor smashing into his car while he was doing 80 in a 60 on a country lane (he is still having operations to keep his body going). It took possibly 2/3 years to really hit me and as a result I went y7-y9/10 being a closed shop completely. It affected me socially going to Uni and I've always felt like im 5 years behind everybody else my age, not neccesserily to do with children or married earlier or whatever, as I would love to have one or two but it appears that isn't in the future for me. However it does feel because I've had that stunted development at a younger age, I've sort of missed the opportunity to create connections and have that longevity of a social group. I spent years and years going to the automated tills at checkouts because the anxiety of speaking to someone was too much thats how severe and a struggle life has been. I wouldn't say i no longer struggle to create relationships with people, however I do know I'm much better at it but always end up believing, and mostly im right in that they take advantage of that because im an honest person, if I can help, I'll help.
I now find myself at 31, in a job where the wage is comfortable despite me being massively undervalued. The place I work has developed into an absolutely toxic wasteground with all sorts going. I can't simply get another job as they've provided me no training over hte years and so anywhere with a similar or higher wage all require more. I do absolutely everything for the company, from socials, graphic work, administration, operations, logistics, manual labour - i type this while taking a break clearing everybody elses crap that is around the office and organising it into our new big cupboard we've had built. Problem with that it means I'm a jack of all trades but master of none - which is fine, but now I feel
so trapped into this job, with absolutely no way out. No connections made, no qualifications, no real logisitcal way of getting out. I turned down a job at Scan computers over a year ago, I job I would have enjoyed, but would not have been able to afford financially with a mortgage. I've applied for plenty but get absolutely nothing back despite having a CV that shows a variety of skills and loyalty to a company, including a promotion throughout those 5 years.
To summarise, and I appreciate this is a bit 'essay' like but I need to unload this even if its just text format. I'm at my lowest for a long-time, tablets do not work.
I'm 31 - children do not appear to be on the agenda, which I've accepted, it's part of life unfortunately. I'm in a job where I have no way out, and I can't just quit because like every adult, we have bills to pay. I have not a single person other than my wife and my parents where if I dropped dead tomorrow, they would bat an eye-lid (i know it's a horrible thing to say, but it's genuinely true). I don't believe my brothers would be particularly sad, they would find it an inconvienience to be at the funeral.
I've always kept in my mind sometihng my dad told me years and years ago, probably when I was around 24/25, he said that I set such high standards for myself in everything I do, that when others fail to meet them I get dissapointed and cut them off. And for years I've felt that's probably accurate and have made the effort to give that leeway, just because I'd offer my help to someone if they needed in something they needed (lets say computers for example, I know what im doing with them), doesn't mean everyone is like that. However more and more instances throughout the past two years have shown me that people take advantage and I'm at a point where I either let them and be grateful for the interaction, or I stay isolated because I expect effort from others when I put the effort in. It's a lose-lose scenario. I no longer believe my dads comment to be true, I dont think I set high standards,
I think i put the effort in and I feel used when I don't get that effort back. I get that not everyone is going to do it, but I cant think of one person who shows the same respect back. I get that I used to be a not very likeable person, shy, closed off but despite changing who I am, some through growing up a bit, some through distinct effort, nothing has changed, I'm constantly on the outside.
