Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[chicoazul]

Hey there- I'm a bit late to comment, sorry, but thought I'd add my bit in as a fellow female on here I think ultimately, it sounds (from what you're writing) that in this time apart perhaps you need to think about yourself as a person as well as a person in a relationship- if that makes sense? it reads a bit as if you're expecting your happiness to come from the way that he treats you/ reacts to you, which is definitely a recipe to be unhappy. I'm really sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just trying to say (on half a cup of coffee, so I'm struggling here!), that perhaps you're placing too much emphasis on him in terms of what is going to make you happy- perhaps if you think about what you really want, how you see your life, what you need from a partner (rather than focusing on what is lacking), then you might be in a better position to sit down with him and articulate that, and see what his response is?

In my experience, doubts always creep in from time to time, I think that's just human nature, the challenge is for you (and only you can do this) to work out if it's because you genuinely do need/ want more, or because you as a couple are not communicating what you want/ need/ expect clearly, or that you are unhappy/ unsure for other reasons and are placing that on your partner.

I really hope you are able to figure out the right solution for yourself- after all, we're all seeking happiness

If I can offer my humble opinion after such a thoughtful post. The seeking of happiness has to be approached with an acceptance of it being a temporary nature when "found". It is the same as sadness being a temporary state only, both will occur for periods of your life and more so for some people of a certain personality or to be precise: chemical set up in their brains. Which is fine, its what you are and you are more likely to be compassionate to others and sensitive to other's feelings based on the depth of emotions you have experienced to contrast on both sides.

Why am I saying this? Because both states of happiness and sadness are opposites on both sides and therefore impossible to attain permanently, even though we naturally aspire to only one of them two states.

An achievable median therefore is better to seek, and that is contentment. Contentment is achievable for long periods and although there will be natural flux with periods leaning towards happiness or sadness, you can achieve contentment for long periods of your life.

An important facet of contentment is acceptance of it being a target and that things won't be perfect. A good tool for facilitating and training your brain into contentment ca be mindfulness. Either an app, a CD, a book or just a moment to do some breathing exercises. It begins acceptance for many which slows the brain down and can instigate the right environment for contentment to begin.

Don't chase happiness, chase contentment. Happiness will occur often during contentment.

A bit deep so soz, I'll go back to calling people scruffs now.

 

[flippa]

@chicoazul agree with all of that. I guess I didn't state that for me, being content is as close to being happy as I can imagine, in that the older I get, the small things that make me smile, equally make me happy.

Really good point you make about things never being perfect, and being content is a target in and of itself. So true.

 

[dholliday]

Well said, happy with being (mostly) content has been my philosophy for at least the last 10 years. Once i set my objectives and expectations to a more realistic level i found i actually achieved some of them, and this made me feel more than ok, even gave me some impetus, a drive which really goes somewhere.

As an idealistic late-90's young adventurer i would scoff at those accepting mere contentment, even wrote some immature prose about it. Growing up is sometimes hard to do.

The last 10 years also coincided with not smoking any green, used to be quite a regular toker. There's a lot to be said for a clear(ish) head. It helped me to stop expecting good things to automatically happen, which sounds a bit of a downer but actually really helped. Just my subjective experience, i still advocate its legality.

If I can offer my humble opinion after such a thoughtful post. The seeking of happiness has to be approached with an acceptance of it being a temporary nature when "found". It is the same as sadness being a temporary state only, both will occur for periods of your life and more so for some people of a certain personality or to be precise: chemical set up in their brains. Which is fine, its what you are and you are more likely to be compassionate to others and sensitive to other's feelings based on the depth of emotions you have experienced to contrast on both sides.

Why am I saying this? Because both states of happiness and sadness are opposites on both sides and therefore impossible to attain permanently, even though we naturally aspire to only one of them two states.

An achievable median therefore is better to seek, and that is contentment. Contentment is achievable for long periods and although there will be natural flux with periods leaning towards happiness or sadness, you can achieve contentment for long periods of your life.

An important facet of contentment is acceptance of it being a target and that things won't be perfect. A good tool for facilitating and training your brain into contentment ca be mindfulness. Either an app, a CD, a book or just a moment to do some breathing exercises. It begins acceptance for many which slows the brain down and can instigate the right environment for contentment to begin.

Don't chase happiness, chase contentment. Happiness will occur often during contentment.

A bit deep so soz, I'll go back to calling people scruffs now.

 

[COYBL25]

Well said, happy with being (mostly) content has been my philosophy for at least the last 10 years. Once i set my objectives and expectations to a more realistic level i found i actually achieved some of them, and this made me feel more than ok, even gave me some impetus, a drive which really goes somewhere.

As an idealistic late-90's young adventurer i would scoff at those accepting mere contentment, even wrote some immature prose about it. Growing up is sometimes hard to do.

The last 10 years also coincided with not smoking any green, used to be quite a regular toker. There's a lot to be said for a clear(ish) head. It helped me to stop expecting good things to automatically happen, which sounds a bit of a downer but actually really helped. Just my subjective experience, i still advocate its legality.

Do you may be think that your cannabis use was linked in anyway ?

I'm only asking I've known two lads sectioned due to cannabis use and mental illness. ( not saying it's linked by the way, but smoking certainly didn't help )

 

[efc_girl]

@efc_girl if it helps. I've recently moved out from my ex and now live on my own, so I know how it feels.

i can't offer any decent advice other than good luck and keep your chin up. I'm struggling myself but hoping for something to smile about sooner rather than later!

Thanks. It's good to speak with someone going through a similar thing. It feels quite surreal to me currently but not the end of the world, weirdly. We had a break from each other for a good few days and then today it was decided that it was definitely over. He didn't want to fight for it and I am of a similar opinion really as not getting any helpful signs from him whatsoever. So I am now free and back at my parents' house but it's somewhere to stay and that's all good. I will have to go and collect my things from the house tomorrow and move it all into here.

To those speaking about the men in the bar... I agree with you. I don't think I have thrown away anything for the sake of being with someone from the pub haha... My point was that I shouldn't be getting any feelings like that if I am truly happy in my relationship at home. Yes I agree that everybody can do a bit of 'window shopping' and fancy other people but that's as far as it goes and it shouldn't be occupying your mind unless there are problems at home. That was my point anyway. I thought about everything for a good few weeks before deciding that I just wasn't happy at home and then tried to find the root of the problems and sat down with him to discuss it in the hope of fixing it. Unfortunately it seemed unable to be solved!

As I say... It all feels a bit surreal but I must try to keep my head up. I've been through relationship break up sh** before (haven't we all?) and I know that it isn't the end of the world.

 

[COYBL25]

If I can offer my humble opinion after such a thoughtful post. The seeking of happiness has to be approached with an acceptance of it being a temporary nature when "found". It is the same as sadness being a temporary state only, both will occur for periods of your life and more so for some people of a certain personality or to be precise: chemical set up in their brains. Which is fine, its what you are and you are more likely to be compassionate to others and sensitive to other's feelings based on the depth of emotions you have experienced to contrast on both sides.

Why am I saying this? Because both states of happiness and sadness are opposites on both sides and therefore impossible to attain permanently, even though we naturally aspire to only one of them two states.

An achievable median therefore is better to seek, and that is contentment. Contentment is achievable for long periods and although there will be natural flux with periods leaning towards happiness or sadness, you can achieve contentment for long periods of your life.

An important facet of contentment is acceptance of it being a target and that things won't be perfect. A good tool for facilitating and training your brain into contentment ca be mindfulness. Either an app, a CD, a book or just a moment to do some breathing exercises. It begins acceptance for many which slows the brain down and can instigate the right environment for contentment to begin.

Don't chase happiness, chase contentment. Happiness will occur often during contentment.

A bit deep so soz, I'll go back to calling people scruffs now.

May sound a bit Leftfield, but from my own experience, I've found contement and sleeping well go hand in hand.

Sleep to me is an indicator of whether my mental health is good or bad.

 

[efc_girl]

Hey there- I'm a bit late to comment, sorry, but thought I'd add my bit in as a fellow female on here I think ultimately, it sounds (from what you're writing) that in this time apart perhaps you need to think about yourself as a person as well as a person in a relationship- if that makes sense? it reads a bit as if you're expecting your happiness to come from the way that he treats you/ reacts to you, which is definitely a recipe to be unhappy. I'm really sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just trying to say (on half a cup of coffee, so I'm struggling here!), that perhaps you're placing too much emphasis on him in terms of what is going to make you happy- perhaps if you think about what you really want, how you see your life, what you need from a partner (rather than focusing on what is lacking), then you might be in a better position to sit down with him and articulate that, and see what his response is?

In my experience, doubts always creep in from time to time, I think that's just human nature, the challenge is for you (and only you can do this) to work out if it's because you genuinely do need/ want more, or because you as a couple are not communicating what you want/ need/ expect clearly, or that you are unhappy/ unsure for other reasons and are placing that on your partner.

I really hope you are able to figure out the right solution for yourself- after all, we're all seeking happiness

This was a great post that has some good advice in it you are right. I need to seek happiness personally and not rely on other people or other people's actions. None of it sounded harsh. I am not sure if I genuinely do need more or it's just a communication problem but I would go with the former... I've always expected to feel something more than I do with him... not that I can put my finger on it but I've always wondered if there is more to what we had.

 

[dholliday]

Drugs with psychedelic properties tend to amplify what is already there: in my case (at that age) a lazy fuzz and slightly-entitled worldview.

So giving it up deffo helped me become more grounded, which is just what i needed.

Other than the common foibles I've thankfully never had severe mental issues. I've also had mates (and family) with serious inbalances which were largely dormant, but became worse through the use of mind-altering substances.

Saying that: in moderation and in the right circumstances these drugs can also do good.


It's a tricky subject to which my best advice would be to know thyself. I don't think there's a golden rule here.

Do you may be think that your cannabis use was linked in anyway ?

I'm only asking I've known two lads sectioned due to cannabis use and mental illness. ( not saying it's linked by the way, but smoking certainly didn't help )

 

[dholliday]

May sound a bit Leftfield, but from my own experience, I've found contement and sleeping well go hand in hand.

Sleep to me is an indicator of whether my mental health is good or bad.

Deffo this: i can imagine the chemical imbalances are partly caused by poor sleep.

Sometimes it seems like the hardest thing in the world: to merely sleep normally.

For snorers and sinusitis/rhinitus sufferers those Breathe Right Extra noseplasters can really assist sound sleep, in my case also added anti-allergen bedding.

Personally, tho' improved, i still sleep fitfully, waking often with thick head and dry mouth: thanks to pure stoicism it doesn't affect my mood but it does affect the energy i have for the day.

I have permanent head pressure (like a thick head when you've got a cold). Never been able to solve it and been through pretty much every conceivable path bar a full-on headscan (which i guess is the next step).

Anyone not sleeping well has to put the hours in to try to improve that. For some it might be a relatively simple solution and could do a lot of good.

 

[wbn61]

Deffo this: i can imagine the chemical imbalances are partly caused by poor sleep.

Sometimes it seems like the hardest thing in the world: to merely sleep normally.

For snorers and sinusitis/rhinitus sufferers those Breathe Right Extra noseplasters can really assist sound sleep, in my case also added anti-allergen bedding.

Personally, tho' improved, i still sleep fitfully, waking often with thick head and dry mouth: thanks to pure stoicism it doesn't affect my mood but it does affect the energy i have for the day.

I have permanent head pressure (like a thick head when you've got a cold). Never been able to solve it and been through pretty much every conceivable path bar a full-on headscan (which i guess is the next step).

Anyone not sleeping well has to put the hours in to try to improve that. For some it might be a relatively simple solution and could do a lot of good.

that seems to be one of my problems at the moment, a poor sleep pattern. I just feel tired all the time even when I have had a sleep but I can't sleep then lol. waking up is like having a hangover, thick head and dry mouth like you described. my head pressure was relieved by a stent as the blood flow to the head was ok but wasn't flowing back down as it should.

 

[dholliday]

that seems to be one of my problems at the moment, a poor sleep pattern. I just feel tired all the time even when I have had a sleep but I can't sleep then lol. waking up is like having a hangover, thick head and dry mouth like you described. my head pressure was relieved by a stent as the blood flow to the head was ok but wasn't flowing back down as it should.

oh wow mate...can you go into more detail? what's a stent?

 

[Groucho]

oh wow mate...can you go into more detail? what's a stent?

Basically something used to keep a blood vessel sufficiently open.

Some forms have a kind of filter too.

 

[Deleted member 28206]

The one thing I've suffered massively with is self esteem, since I became single I've zero confidence.

 

[maccavennie]

The one thing I've suffered massively with is self esteem, since I became single I've zero confidence.

Hopefully that will come back in time mate, naturally without trying to force it out of yourself.

 

[dholliday]

that seems to be one of my problems at the moment, a poor sleep pattern. I just feel tired all the time even when I have had a sleep but I can't sleep then lol. waking up is like having a hangover, thick head and dry mouth like you described.

Going back to the sleep, one thing that helps a lot of people with the dry mouth thing is an air moisturiser. Unfortunately it didn't much agree with my asthma, but for non-asthmatics I gather it helps open-mouth sleepers. The device I went for is the Venta LW25, and according to my measurements it really worked in the sense of increasing the moisture in the room.

Basically something used to keep a blood vessel sufficiently open.

Some forms have a kind of filter too.

Cheers, I'll have to look into this further. I'm guessing a full head scan (CT or MRI) is a prerequisite before anything else.