Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

[maccavennie]

I've just had my worst mental breakdown in years, it was very, very bad. Argued with my mum, my brother and let something innocuous send me over the cliff edge. I live by a railway line and for a few minutes had very bad thoughts about going near it to do what should be the unthinkable. That's what was so scary, in the moment it didn't seem like the unthinkable, it seemed like the easiest way out. The easiest escape route from the pain and it's something that I genuinely considered. No one should have to go through that.

My mood has been low for months and I've left it to get slowly worse and worse. It started back from when I told the story of how me and my co-workers went on a night out and they all left the place without me and without a goodbye, only to be told yesterday they'd all made plans to spend their night together. It really hurt my feelings, it hurt far more than I'd like to admit too but did, I saw it as a clear snub. Being the new guy in any workplace is hard but I was the only person going in the job who was a complete outsider, no one I knew prior to joining whereas everyone is related or been friends for years, I felt like such an outsider and that incident only made me feel 10x worse. Since then my mood has been generally low and it's sank even lower the past few months, I've suffered intense paranoia thinking that people in the place have negative opinions about me and there's no one I could build any sort of relationship with because no one would want too. I've come to realise that all this talk over the past few days about me wanting to ask out a girl I fancy isn't really me having strong feelings for this particular person who I admittedly don't know very well, it's me subconsciously wanting to feel accepted by a group of other people. I've been telling myself for months I'm not liked and not included but if I managed to get this certain person to like me the others would warm to me too and I wouldn't feel so left out and down all the time.

I've had a bawl in front of my mum and let it all come pouring out, she has suggested going back onto Citalopram because there is clearly an imbalance in my brain and it needs stabilising, I can't just keep allowing it to destroy me emotionally like this. I've agreed and will go and see the doctor hopefully later this week.

Whilst I was at my lowest and considering going in front of the train I rang my friend who was nearby. He immediately came to help me, staying on the phone all the way and trying his best to lift me and making me promise to wait for him. He really saved me, I honestly don't know what might have happened had he not come. He's a true friend, he's the type of person I want in my life going forward and the type of person I want acceptance from. I told him about my doubts and he said "Mate, I care about you. I'm here aren't I, that is proof that someone IS bothered about your feelings. I'm here because I want to help you and wouldn't ever leave you to be alone."

I've spoken too him since I've calmed down and told him I can't thank him enough for being there when I most badly needed him.

If anyone else is feeling low and knows deep down that they're sinking please don't leave it to just happen, please don't allow yourself to go through what I just went through or worse. Please, talk to someone, let it all pour out because an hour afterwards you will feel better and re-gather your thoughts and re-focus your perspective.

Life is horrible sometimes but we are strong enough to battle through it, sometimes we just need someone to help us pick ourselves back up when we fall.

Good on you as well mate for calling a friend at such a time. Hang on in there, get to the doctors when you can and like you said, sometimes we all just need someone to help pick us up off the floor once in a while and there's no shame in that.

 

[COYBL25]

I've just had my worst mental breakdown in years, it was very, very bad. Argued with my mum, my brother and let something innocuous send me over the cliff edge. I live by a railway line and for a few minutes had very bad thoughts about going near it to do what should be the unthinkable. That's what was so scary, in the moment it didn't seem like the unthinkable, it seemed like the easiest way out. The easiest escape route from the pain and it's something that I genuinely considered. No one should have to go through that.

My mood has been low for months and I've left it to get slowly worse and worse. It started back from when I told the story of how me and my co-workers went on a night out and they all left the place without me and without a goodbye, only to be told yesterday they'd all made plans to spend their night together. It really hurt my feelings, it hurt far more than I'd like to admit too but did, I saw it as a clear snub. Being the new guy in any workplace is hard but I was the only person going in the job who was a complete outsider, no one I knew prior to joining whereas everyone is related or been friends for years, I felt like such an outsider and that incident only made me feel 10x worse. Since then my mood has been generally low and it's sank even lower the past few months, I've suffered intense paranoia thinking that people in the place have negative opinions about me and there's no one I could build any sort of relationship with because no one would want too. I've come to realise that all this talk over the past few days about me wanting to ask out a girl I fancy isn't really me having strong feelings for this particular person who I admittedly don't know very well, it's me subconsciously wanting to feel accepted by a group of other people. I've been telling myself for months I'm not liked and not included but if I managed to get this certain person to like me the others would warm to me too and I wouldn't feel so left out and down all the time.

I've had a bawl in front of my mum and let it all come pouring out, she has suggested going back onto Citalopram because there is clearly an imbalance in my brain and it needs stabilising, I can't just keep allowing it to destroy me emotionally like this. I've agreed and will go and see the doctor hopefully later this week.

Whilst I was at my lowest and considering going in front of the train I rang my friend who was nearby. He immediately came to help me, staying on the phone all the way and trying his best to lift me and making me promise to wait for him. He really saved me, I honestly don't know what might have happened had he not come. He's a true friend, he's the type of person I want in my life going forward and the type of person I want acceptance from. I told him about my doubts and he said "Mate, I care about you. I'm here aren't I, that is proof that someone IS bothered about your feelings. I'm here because I want to help you and wouldn't ever leave you to be alone."

I've spoken too him since I've calmed down and told him I can't thank him enough for being there when I most badly needed him.

If anyone else is feeling low and knows deep down that they're sinking please don't leave it to just happen, please don't allow yourself to go through what I just went through or worse. Please, talk to someone, let it all pour out because an hour afterwards you will feel better and re-gather your thoughts and re-focus your perspective.

Life is horrible sometimes but we are strong enough to battle through it, sometimes we just need someone to help us pick ourselves back up when we fall.

This is only me thinking out loud mate and I don't in anyway mean to offend you, so please don't take anything I say the wrong way.

Your honesty is breath taking and I can only imagine how difficult to write that post must've been for you.

The way I'm reading it, is that you've reached a tipping point and need to get proper help immediately, which could possibly mean a voluntary section. I don't intend to insult you in anyway when I suggest this, but if your having these thoughts and are seriously thinking about acting on them, then it's for your own and others safety.

Go to your GP first thing in the morning, take your mum or your mate . Tell the GP what you've posted here and get an indefinite sick note for work - it's causing a lot of what's going on, so remove it from your life for a while.

At the very least your GP should have you seen by a C.P.N - community physchiatric nurse, who should make a decision as to what to do - a voluntary section being amongst the options.

Again, I apologise if I've caused any offence mate, but I think you need serious and immediate help x

 

[COYBL25]

Might be that. I'm out of benzos and sleeping pills, and down to the citalopram. On 40mg, probably enough really! My doc is on holiday for another week or so and I don't really trust the advice of the other one, he's not been great in the past, last time I saw him he didn't give me any pills and told me to socialise more haha. Some old school doctors still out there.

Lunch time now and I'm just tired more than anxious now, few more hours to go and can relax for the day. Was an awful night for sleeping, only got a few hours kip, it was 24C and muggy all night, so that isn't helping. I think with a full night sleep I will be a different person tomorrow. If not I will be chasing more appointments.

How long have you been taking Benzos / sleeping pills ?

If it's longer than 10 days and you've ran out, sounds like withdrawals.

They are highly addictive - I learnt the hard way !

 

[EFCPaul]

This is only me thinking out loud mate and I don't in anyway mean to offend you, so please don't take anything I say the wrong way.

Your honesty is breath taking and I can only imagine how difficult to write that post must've been for you.

The way I'm reading it, is that you've reached a tipping point and need to get proper help immediately, which could possibly mean a voluntary section. I don't intend to insult you in anyway when I suggest this, but if your having these thoughts and are seriously thinking about acting on them, then it's for your own and others safety.

Go to your GP first thing in the morning, take your mum or your mate . Tell the GP what you've posted here and get an indefinite sick note for work - it's causing a lot of what's going on, so remove it from your life for a while.

At the very least your GP should have you seen by a C.P.N - community physchiatric nurse, who should make a decision as to what to do - a voluntary section being amongst the options.

Again, I apologise if I've caused any offence mate, but I think you need serious and immediate help x

I very appreciate much your concern, I really do. I want to assure everyone reading this though, I am absolutely fine. Today was just a bad day and I let it all get on top of me, I'm an emotional person at the best of times and today was just too much for me. I had a good cry and got most out of it out of my system and I feel loads better now than I did a few hours ago. I've been the gym for a 4 mile run with heavy metal music blasting and got my negative feelings out. Again, it was just a very bad day and I let it affect me in a seriously negative way but I do feel better now.

I have considered sectioning myself in the past but to be honest I don't have any clue how you'd go about it and be taken seriously, I don't know anyone who has been or knows anyone who's been sectioned to ask them how it works. And I don't think my family would allow it anyway, they just don't understand depression sadly, or at least it feels like they don't.

I'm in two minds over the work situation, part of me thinks it would be very beneficial to step away for a while and get my head together but another part feels that all my supposed problems would still be waiting for me when I returned, best to just face them now and get them over with so I can move forwards. I don't want to leave, it's a job I mostly enjoy apart from my own insecurities which hinder me badly. The demons I are in my head, I need to beat them and I think the way to do that is to just live a more active, healthy and fun life instead of crawling into a ball and feeling sorry for myself so much.

Again, thank you for showing such care, it's really touching. If there's anything I can ever do for you in future don't hesitate to message me.

 

[Elong]

How long have you been taking Benzos / sleeping pills ?

If it's longer than 10 days and you've ran out, sounds like withdrawals.

They are highly addictive - I learnt the hard way !

I had a couple of week's worth, ran out of sleeping pills last week and last benzo today, managed to spread those out over a month, just taking 1 in the morning if I needed it (not every morning).

Certainly not keen to get addicted to them! Worth noting that in the weekend I had untroubled sleep. Work and stress and over thinking things!

 

[COYBL25]

I very appreciate much your concern, I really do. I want to assure everyone reading this though, I am absolutely fine. Today was just a bad day and I let it all get on top of me, I'm an emotional person at the best of times and today was just too much for me. I had a good cry and got most out of it out of my system and I feel loads better now than I did a few hours ago. I've been the gym for a 4 mile run with heavy metal music blasting and got my negative feelings out. Again, it was just a very bad day and I let it affect me in a seriously negative way but I do feel better now.

I have considered sectioning myself in the past but to be honest I don't have any clue how you'd go about it and be taken seriously, I don't know anyone who has been or knows anyone who's been sectioned to ask them how it works. And I don't think my family would allow it anyway, they just don't understand depression sadly, or at least it feels like they don't.

I'm in two minds over the work situation, part of me thinks it would be very beneficial to step away for a while and get my head together but another part feels that all my supposed problems would still be waiting for me when I returned, best to just face them now and get them over with so I can move forwards. I don't want to leave, it's a job I mostly enjoy apart from my own insecurities which hinder me badly. The demons I are in my head, I need to beat them and I think the way to do that is to just live a more active, healthy and fun life instead of crawling into a ball and feeling sorry for myself so much.

Again, thank you for showing such care, it's really touching. If there's anything I can ever do for you in future don't hesitate to message me.

A voluntary section is as it suggests, voluntary and normally lasts 28 days, during which time you can discharge yourself at any time.

I really think it would help you mate, as looking from the outside in, it looks like you're going downhill quite badly.

What happens if something happens tomorrow or the day after that sends you further down ?.

To even seriously think the thoughts that you've been having says that you need proper help.

You thought about how you'd do it, which shows that you're rationalising it, even if it's subconsciously.

Go to your GP tomorrow first thing, they will decide how to best help.

You absolutely can't go back to work mate in your current state of mind, it's just making everything much much worse. At the very least you need breathing space.

 

[COYBL25]

I had a couple of week's worth, ran out of sleeping pills last week and last benzo today, managed to spread those out over a month, just taking 1 in the morning if I needed it (not every morning).

Certainly not keen to get addicted to them! Worth noting that in the weekend I had untroubled sleep. Work and stress and over thinking things!

It really does sound like minor withdawals to me. I think you've been taking them long enough, by the sounds of it to have developed.

They normally last 2 / 3 days - first day being the worst.

 

[COYBL25]

I had a couple of week's worth, ran out of sleeping pills last week and last benzo today, managed to spread those out over a month, just taking 1 in the morning if I needed it (not every morning).

Certainly not keen to get addicted to them! Worth noting that in the weekend I had untroubled sleep. Work and stress and over thinking things!

Ps - it's the shaking and anxiety which are making me think it's minor withdrawals.

Full on is like a massive dose of flu

 

[EFCPaul]

A voluntary section is as the it suggests, voluntary and normally lasts 28 days, during which time you can discharge yourself at any time.

I really think it would help you mate, as looking from the outside in, it looks like you're going downhill quite badly.

What happens if something happens tomorrow or the day after that sends you further down ?.

To even seriously think the thoughts that you've been having says that you need proper help.

You thought about how you'd do it, which shows that you're rationalising it, even if it's subconsciously.

Go to your GP tomorrow first thing, they will decide how to best help.

You absolutely can't go back to work mate in your current state of mind, it's just making everything much much worse. At the very least you need breathing space.

I'm going to see the GP in the morning to tell him how I feel and see what he recommends, probably prescribe me Citalopram which I would accept at this point because I definitely need something to sort my mood inbalances out.

Going to go back into work on Wednesday to try and just carry on as normal, hopefully tonight really was just a one off. If I find it too stressful again then I will hand a sick note in because I can't have another day like today, I just can't. And it wasn't like today was extremely busy or anything major happened, to everyone else who works there it was probably just a normal Monday. None of them will have had any idea that there was anything the matter with me but to me it was my worst shift ever, it was like being back in my previous job where I used to lock myself in the toilets to hide my anxiety attacks and calm myself. That's what's so scary about depression I guess, the feelings of nobody can help you because nobody can see how in pain you are, how horrible you feel. It's like drowning whilst watching everybody else around you is safe in boats.

 

[COYBL25]

I'm going to see the GP in the morning to tell him how I feel and see what he recommends, probably prescribe me Citalopram which I would accept at this point because I definitely need something to sort my mood inbalances out.

Going to go back into work on Wednesday to try and just carry on as normal, hopefully tonight really was just a one off. If I find it too stressful again then I will hand a sick note in because I can't have another day like today, I just can't. And it wasn't like today was extremely busy or anything major happened, to everyone else who works there it was probably just a normal Monday. None of them will have had any idea that there was anything the matter with me but to me it was my worst shift ever, it was like being back in my previous job where I used to lock myself in the toilets to hide my anxiety attacks and calm myself. That's what's so scary about depression I guess, the feelings of nobody can help you because nobody can see how in pain you are, how horrible you feel. It's like drowning whilst watching everybody else around you in boats.

Make sure you tell the GP about your bad thoughts mate, that shouid get the ball rolling very quickly x

 

[EFCPaul]

Make sure you tell the GP about your bad thoughts mate, that shouid get the ball rolling very quickly x

I will, thanks so much for caring. x

 

[Elong]

Ps - it's the shaking and anxiety which are making me think it's minor withdrawals.

Full on is like a massive dose of flu

You're a top bloke as always, cheers!

 

[Ashtonian]

Bit of advice or a vent here, not sure which one.

I am really starting to hate going to work now, think the past few weeks i am really starting to notice just how unhappy and un motivated i am every day. The work issues are just as bad as before, and i discovered a good while ago nobody cares if you aren't happy. I have very little social interaction, almost seems like people purposely ignore me in the office or leave me out, despite me never doing anything to ever offend them or give them reason to. I am starting to feel under appreciated within the job, finding myself with nothing to do on a daily basis (coincidentally the only person on the team who does?) and yeah, it just gets to me these days.

I have always been someone who just gets on with a job. I was a cleaner for 6 years and even when i hated the job, felt embarassed to be doing it, i still turned up every day. Yet here i feel trapped in s bubble, and everyone turns whenever you raise it with them.

I do have a job interview on friday and i hope to god i get it, going to do a little work before hand so at the very least i can go in half prepared. But i am not deluding myself into thinking i am getting it, there is a good chance come monday morning i will be right back here again with still no job in sight. I can't financially leave the place i am in, only change to another part of it otherwise i would have done by now.

I don't know, it just frustrates me. Makes me feel helpless and miserable on a daily basis now. Even now, i have no pieces of work to do right? My colleague has collected around 5-6 that has not been done over the past week, but nobody cares. Perhaps i haven't kissed arse in here, but i am worried if i don't get out soon then how i will be feeling 3/4/5 months down the line because the job isn't going to magically get better and people still won't care.

Vent over, just wish someone would come and get me out of this nightmare scenario, either that or if someone would actually support me just once.

 

[matty1878]

I will, thanks so much for caring. x

Let me know when you've been to see your gp mate, and give me an inbox on here to talk

 

[matty1878]

Bit of advice or a vent here, not sure which one.

I am really starting to hate going to work now, think the past few weeks i am really starting to notice just how unhappy and un motivated i am every day. The work issues are just as bad as before, and i discovered a good while ago nobody cares if you aren't happy. I have very little social interaction, almost seems like people purposely ignore me in the office or leave me out, despite me never doing anything to ever offend them or give them reason to. I am starting to feel under appreciated within the job, finding myself with nothing to do on a daily basis (coincidentally the only person on the team who does?) and yeah, it just gets to me these days.

I have always been someone who just gets on with a job. I was a cleaner for 6 years and even when i hated the job, felt embarassed to be doing it, i still turned up every day. Yet here i feel trapped in s bubble, and everyone turns whenever you raise it with them.

I do have a job interview on friday and i hope to god i get it, going to do a little work before hand so at the very least i can go in half prepared. But i am not deluding myself into thinking i am getting it, there is a good chance come monday morning i will be right back here again with still no job in sight. I can't financially leave the place i am in, only change to another part of it otherwise i would have done by now.

I don't know, it just frustrates me. Makes me feel helpless and miserable on a daily basis now. Even now, i have no pieces of work to do right? My colleague has collected around 5-6 that has not been done over the past week, but nobody cares. Perhaps i haven't kissed arse in here, but i am worried if i don't get out soon then how i will be feeling 3/4/5 months down the line because the job isn't going to magically get better and people still won't care.

Vent over, just wish someone would come and get me out of this nightmare scenario, either that or if someone would actually support me just once.

Sounds like you feel like your stuck? you don't wanna be there but money makes you be there and wanna just scoot? And feeling under appreciated isn't a good thing in any aspect of life mate, try and take it to the powers that be but keep a look out for a different job in between and hopefully something comes up for you.