Hello all,
I've been a member of this forum since kipper shut down, and I really admire the way GOT actually encourage serious discussions such as this.
At the beginning of the year I went to go see my doctor about depression issues. At the time I was really, really down. I wasn't eating, I couldn't get up and face another day at work, I was feeling overwhelmed with my uni work, and I was living in a student house that was making me increasingly anti-social. Things weren't all bad, I have a very loving girlfriend and we have a great relationship and I have plenty of friends. Around October last year when I was over visiting my parents they told me that my gran's health and mental awareness had severely declined since I had saw her last. Since I had been living outside of the house for the last few years and was constantly busy with work and uni, I was the last to know. When they told me about what was going on it hit me like a ton of bricks and sent me spiralling downwards. I was full of feelings of guilt because I hadn't made the time to be there for my gran, and all of a sudden it felt like the person that I knew was gone and I had been so wrapped up in my own life that I hadn't stopped to think about it.
That kickstarted two or three of the worst months of my life in terms of mental stability. I felt trapped by my responsibilities to go to school and work, to continue doing all my coursework and paying my bills. I felt like I had lost all control over what I was doing with my life and that to divert off of the path I was on would be disastrous. It didn't help that I was living in Ottawa, Canada and that October in this place heralds the arrival of 6 soul-sucking months of winter. Growing up in Liverpool there was no opportunity for me to gain an appreciation for anything winter-related and I've been here for 12 years and still hate the season. Every day it felt like I was showing up at work and school simply to be present because I felt I had no choice otherwise. It didn't help that work was incredibly slow and most days it was just me showing up for the sake of it and being in the building for 8 hours with no actual work to do(Despite my asking for anything to do at all to keep me busy). That amount of continuous nothing-ness combined with the obligation to continue coming to work to just sit there gave me far too much time to dwell on the negative thoughts that were continuously swimming around my head. I began to feel guilty, hopeless, and just worthless.
Things came to a boiling point at Christmas. Specifically Christmas Eve was when I had a complete emotional breakdown, and cried in the arms of my mother for the first time in a decade. My mum has suffered from depression her whole life as well, I firmly believe there is a hereditary disposition towards these mental illnesses. She sat and listened and comforted me as I told her how I had been feeling for the last couple of months and that it was hearing about by gran's declining state that brought it on. She convinced me that I should go and talk to the doctor when he was back from his Christmas holidays. Christmas day was one of the most emotionally-taxing days of my life. I wasn't prepared for just how far my gran's physical abilities had detoriated, I had to carry her up the stairs because she didn't have the strength to walk anymore.
When I eventually went to go see the doc in the New Year, we sat down and spoke about how I was feeling. This was no easy task for me as I'm the type of person who buries their feelings down and despises the awakwardness of conversations which make me feel vulnerable, I'm not alone in this. The doctor said that while I was displaying signs of depression, he was also concerned with the indications that I was suffering from some pretty severe anxiety. I'm of an age where mental health illnesses have been explained to me in school and accepted as a part of life, but the explanations and definitions of anxiety never really made sense to me. I never truly understood what anxiety was because it was my everyday normal, it never struck me as a mental illness because I assumed it was natural to be constantly worried and be unable to shut out unwelcome thoughts in your mind. The doctor presribed me some anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I wasn't looking for medication to fix my problems, but rather to help me develop the right mental state to really begin to understand what I was going through.
I took the medication for about 5 months until about May this year when I ran out. I haven't been back to see the doctor to get a refill because I felt I had gained a handle on things again and didn't need it. I'm still having my down days where I just can't be bothered with anything or anyone, but there are more distractions in the summer to refocus my mind away from those repetitive, invasive, and negative thoughts. As October looms around the corner, I'm feeling the need to go and see the doctor again. It is hard for me to get out to see him as it takes me about an hour my bus, and I've lost my medical insurance card (Which I've made excuses not to take care of at this point). I am able to recognize the patterns of thinking that lead me further down the path to episodes of sever depression and I know now that there are actions I can take to help alleviate that.
The important thing to take away from this is that, if you notice anything similar between my story and what is going on in your own lives then take the hard step to tell someone, anyone about it. The longer you stay silent about what is going on, the worse it can get. It is a horribly intimidating thing when you're that far down to summon the courage to be open about what you're thinking, but take it from me, when you take the first step to talk about it you are on the path to feeling better. As I've said, I'm not big on talking about my issues in the real world but I'm incredibly thankful for GOT for providing a safe space for those of us with these issues to be able to openly and anonymously discuss them and to also hopefully encourage others in similar situations to seek out the help that I needed. Remember no matter how hopeless, worthless, or discouraged you feel that you are not alone in this and that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel.
