D
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Oh, my birthday is coincidentally the world mental health day, I figure it is not a big surprise I am usually a mess lol
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Christ, Birthdays are stressful aren't they?
As a man who is uncomfortable being the centre of attention and, through the learned experience of the last few years, gets full on pit of the stomach anxiety when his phone rings, flashes or beeps I've been a wreck all day.
Well here goes, half mental health/half addiction battle. Not sure if the right place but considering the miserable bunch that Everton has made us figured it would be okay.
Finally sat down with my fiance about my gambling addiction on Wednesday evening. Something I've had for many many years since being introduced to it as a teenager. I haven't build up any debts, all there is a £250.00 overdraft which thankfully is payable over a couple of months for us. For a long time I told myself I had control of it and for large parts I did, however over the past six months it has had a serious effect on my mental health and has caused me to dip back into depression, fall out of love with many things (Everton being one of them, although Everton do a fantastic job of that all by themselves.) and lose interest. Barely go out as a couple any more and while our relationship is as strong as ever, the staying in alongside an office job I started two years ago has made me put on loads of weight.
What has been really hurting is the need to go and chase losses and the damaging state it has done to my mental health. I can't do what normal people do in sticking a fiver on acca for the weekend and if it wins great if not no biggie. I constantly have the need to build up the cash, if I lose i go chasing. It is mentally draining, even with deposit limits on as soon as I can deposit I have done. I am not the most mentally strong person anyway, but to have this hiding has absolutely crushed me where every night is pointless, working is pointless despite the money coming in at the end of the month. The feeling of isolation and loneliness spending most of my day gambling online and things 'not going my way' dragging me further and further away from normal society. Constantly seeing adverts on the television or hearing it on the radio. The constant worrying about money has dragged me to an all-time low in my life knowing everytime I deposit I put aspirations on the back burner, make it longer to save money, longer to start a family. Isolation has got bigger and bigger, i have nobody else apart from my fiance to turn to so holding all this inside along with other problems such as the weight-gain etc. I won't be going to any group meetings, the thought of sitting in a group with my severe social anxiety issues are comical. I genuinely think I could have burst out
I don't really know how else to explain it but if you have been there I would naturally assume you can understand just how bad your brain and health becomes the longer you keep doing it and keep hiding it. I have been on a pre-surgery diet for the past week (Although I started a week earlier than that to try and lose as much weight as possible) and have lost two stone and feel ten times better about things even though its unrelated. Having told my fiance, who i feared would be seriously pissed off and wasn't, I feel like a tonne of bricks has been lifted. Almost in tears writing this but figured it would be self-soothing to get it "out on paper" so to speak and perhaps show an example of why hiding it is never a good thing. Also saw someone on this forum make a joke about gambling addiction and wasn't impressed.
Two days without a bet, while I dont want a big sign in the house reminding me how long it has been, figured it would be nice to try and keep here updated and keep track of progress and also go through and read this again when I feel tempted.
Well here goes, half mental health/half addiction battle. Not sure if the right place but considering the miserable bunch that Everton has made us figured it would be okay.
Finally sat down with my fiance about my gambling addiction on Wednesday evening. Something I've had for many many years since being introduced to it as a teenager. I haven't build up any debts, all there is a £250.00 overdraft which thankfully is payable over a couple of months for us. For a long time I told myself I had control of it and for large parts I did, however over the past six months it has had a serious effect on my mental health and has caused me to dip back into depression, fall out of love with many things (Everton being one of them, although Everton do a fantastic job of that all by themselves.) and lose interest. Barely go out as a couple any more and while our relationship is as strong as ever, the staying in alongside an office job I started two years ago has made me put on loads of weight.
What has been really hurting is the need to go and chase losses and the damaging state it has done to my mental health. I can't do what normal people do in sticking a fiver on acca for the weekend and if it wins great if not no biggie. I constantly have the need to build up the cash, if I lose i go chasing. It is mentally draining, even with deposit limits on as soon as I can deposit I have done. I am not the most mentally strong person anyway, but to have this hiding has absolutely crushed me where every night is pointless, working is pointless despite the money coming in at the end of the month. The feeling of isolation and loneliness spending most of my day gambling online and things 'not going my way' dragging me further and further away from normal society. Constantly seeing adverts on the television or hearing it on the radio. The constant worrying about money has dragged me to an all-time low in my life knowing everytime I deposit I put aspirations on the back burner, make it longer to save money, longer to start a family. Isolation has got bigger and bigger, i have nobody else apart from my fiance to turn to so holding all this inside along with other problems such as the weight-gain etc. I won't be going to any group meetings, the thought of sitting in a group with my severe social anxiety issues are comical. I genuinely think I could have burst out
I don't really know how else to explain it but if you have been there I would naturally assume you can understand just how bad your brain and health becomes the longer you keep doing it and keep hiding it. I have been on a pre-surgery diet for the past week (Although I started a week earlier than that to try and lose as much weight as possible) and have lost two stone and feel ten times better about things even though its unrelated. Having told my fiance, who i feared would be seriously pissed off and wasn't, I feel like a tonne of bricks has been lifted. Almost in tears writing this but figured it would be self-soothing to get it "out on paper" so to speak and perhaps show an example of why hiding it is never a good thing. Also saw someone on this forum make a joke about gambling addiction and wasn't impressed.
Two days without a bet, while I dont want a big sign in the house reminding me how long it has been, figured it would be nice to try and keep here updated and keep track of progress and also go through and read this again when I feel tempted.
Well here goes, half mental health/half addiction battle. Not sure if the right place but considering the miserable bunch that Everton has made us figured it would be okay.
Finally sat down with my fiance about my gambling addiction on Wednesday evening. Something I've had for many many years since being introduced to it as a teenager. I haven't build up any debts, all there is a £250.00 overdraft which thankfully is payable over a couple of months for us. For a long time I told myself I had control of it and for large parts I did, however over the past six months it has had a serious effect on my mental health and has caused me to dip back into depression, fall out of love with many things (Everton being one of them, although Everton do a fantastic job of that all by themselves.) and lose interest. Barely go out as a couple any more and while our relationship is as strong as ever, the staying in alongside an office job I started two years ago has made me put on loads of weight.
What has been really hurting is the need to go and chase losses and the damaging state it has done to my mental health. I can't do what normal people do in sticking a fiver on acca for the weekend and if it wins great if not no biggie. I constantly have the need to build up the cash, if I lose i go chasing. It is mentally draining, even with deposit limits on as soon as I can deposit I have done. I am not the most mentally strong person anyway, but to have this hiding has absolutely crushed me where every night is pointless, working is pointless despite the money coming in at the end of the month. The feeling of isolation and loneliness spending most of my day gambling online and things 'not going my way' dragging me further and further away from normal society. Constantly seeing adverts on the television or hearing it on the radio. The constant worrying about money has dragged me to an all-time low in my life knowing everytime I deposit I put aspirations on the back burner, make it longer to save money, longer to start a family. Isolation has got bigger and bigger, i have nobody else apart from my fiance to turn to so holding all this inside along with other problems such as the weight-gain etc. I won't be going to any group meetings, the thought of sitting in a group with my severe social anxiety issues are comical. I genuinely think I could have burst out
I don't really know how else to explain it but if you have been there I would naturally assume you can understand just how bad your brain and health becomes the longer you keep doing it and keep hiding it. I have been on a pre-surgery diet for the past week (Although I started a week earlier than that to try and lose as much weight as possible) and have lost two stone and feel ten times better about things even though its unrelated. Having told my fiance, who i feared would be seriously pissed off and wasn't, I feel like a tonne of bricks has been lifted. Almost in tears writing this but figured it would be self-soothing to get it "out on paper" so to speak and perhaps show an example of why hiding it is never a good thing. Also saw someone on this forum make a joke about gambling addiction and wasn't impressed.
Two days without a bet, while I dont want a big sign in the house reminding me how long it has been, figured it would be nice to try and keep here updated and keep track of progress and also go through and read this again when I feel tempted.
First thing first, you know you have a problem and freely admit it. That's the first step done. Sounds like you have a lovely woman in your life who will not only stand by you but help you. You have support from her and from all of us mate.Well here goes, half mental health/half addiction battle. Not sure if the right place but considering the miserable bunch that Everton has made us figured it would be okay.
Finally sat down with my fiance about my gambling addiction on Wednesday evening. Something I've had for many many years since being introduced to it as a teenager. I haven't build up any debts, all there is a £250.00 overdraft which thankfully is payable over a couple of months for us. For a long time I told myself I had control of it and for large parts I did, however over the past six months it has had a serious effect on my mental health and has caused me to dip back into depression, fall out of love with many things (Everton being one of them, although Everton do a fantastic job of that all by themselves.) and lose interest. Barely go out as a couple any more and while our relationship is as strong as ever, the staying in alongside an office job I started two years ago has made me put on loads of weight.
What has been really hurting is the need to go and chase losses and the damaging state it has done to my mental health. I can't do what normal people do in sticking a fiver on acca for the weekend and if it wins great if not no biggie. I constantly have the need to build up the cash, if I lose i go chasing. It is mentally draining, even with deposit limits on as soon as I can deposit I have done. I am not the most mentally strong person anyway, but to have this hiding has absolutely crushed me where every night is pointless, working is pointless despite the money coming in at the end of the month. The feeling of isolation and loneliness spending most of my day gambling online and things 'not going my way' dragging me further and further away from normal society. Constantly seeing adverts on the television or hearing it on the radio. The constant worrying about money has dragged me to an all-time low in my life knowing everytime I deposit I put aspirations on the back burner, make it longer to save money, longer to start a family. Isolation has got bigger and bigger, i have nobody else apart from my fiance to turn to so holding all this inside along with other problems such as the weight-gain etc. I won't be going to any group meetings, the thought of sitting in a group with my severe social anxiety issues are comical. I genuinely think I could have burst out
I don't really know how else to explain it but if you have been there I would naturally assume you can understand just how bad your brain and health becomes the longer you keep doing it and keep hiding it. I have been on a pre-surgery diet for the past week (Although I started a week earlier than that to try and lose as much weight as possible) and have lost two stone and feel ten times better about things even though its unrelated. Having told my fiance, who i feared would be seriously pissed off and wasn't, I feel like a tonne of bricks has been lifted. Almost in tears writing this but figured it would be self-soothing to get it "out on paper" so to speak and perhaps show an example of why hiding it is never a good thing. Also saw someone on this forum make a joke about gambling addiction and wasn't impressed.
Two days without a bet, while I dont want a big sign in the house reminding me how long it has been, figured it would be nice to try and keep here updated and keep track of progress and also go through and read this again when I feel tempted.
Seems like you realise you have a problem before its too late ( 250 overdraft aint end of the world) than the lord for that
now forget about it and forget chasing money chase back your mental health and family etc.. thats what matters
you will never beat the bookie and the odd win you get.. dosent make you happy more of relief...
Youve realised you have a problem have a sound bird.. your one the lucky ones..
You can do it youll be sound
That's great that you've been able to have the conversation with her. It's a common phrase when it comes to addiction but I believe it's absolutely true; "the opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's human connection."
At some level addiction is a desire to avoid people, to isolate. It's even in the word itself. A-diction. Against speech. I'd be curious about what it is that's pushing you away from people? Are there events or circumstancea in your life that you think might lead you this way?
I don't expect you to answer these questions here of course mate. Just food for thought!
Keep on fighting this part of yourself. You can beat it.
It's nothing in the big picture mate but as someone who generally is a bit of a pushover and gets a severe amount of axiety at times, it feels alot.
I was quite popular throughout Primary School, but then my dad (blue all of his life and still struggles all the steps up the upper bullens every home game) was hit by a TV actor driving at 80 on a country road, almost killed him and put him in hospital for years. I must have been 10/11 and since then I sort of gradually isolated myself and that's where I am at today. Can't say I have any proper friends apart from fiance. Some from work and some from old job that you get along with but dont see once you have left. Suffer deeply from massive social anxiety and dip in and out of depression (not that often). Must have got attached the times when you get a decent big win and kept chasing it. @Bungle has told me stuff in a PM which I can massively relate to, even if not on the same scale. The thought of going to speak about it to a group of strangers is terrifying (for now). Maybe in the future if the struggle continues. I remember going to play a game for what must have been bluekipper at the time at Walton Park (I live in Wigan, but my Nan lived not far so figured I'd play and then go visit her). I absolutely messed up in goal when I came for a cross and flapped it (I've grown up with Richard Wright as our goalie, was a fantastic impression) and was too scared to go back since. That's how anxious I get it about new people really.
Just gotta power through, the first few days will be the worst and then hopefully get through. Saw all the football scores from last night and thought "ah I'd have made a killing" which ultimately led to me posting on here. Posted while in work and on the drive home earlier was thinking about it and have felt low since. Being on a diet and having low energy probably isn't helping but it is what it is.
I remember checking the profit/loss margin on one of the sites and seeing it in the k's, made me feel sick to my stomach.