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MrD
Player Valuation: £10m
I’ve struggled with severe depression for years and years. Ever since my early teens. I’m convinced that at times my mental state has deteriorated into something beyond depression, something closer to psychosis, to the verge of losing touch with reality and developing delusions and paranoia, though I’ve never been able to get a diagnosis on this and have i think never got to the point were I’ve totally lost touch with reality. I’ve always just about managed to recognise that there is a problem there.
I guess there are many causes of mental health problems like mine but I’m sure that one of the major causes was my childhood experience. My parents were alcoholics - one functioning, one very much not - and were very abusive in a number of ways. My childhood was marked by a lot of fear and a lot of severe unhappiness and insecurity, and being exposed to much violence.
This ultimately resulted in me getting to my teenage years as a person without any self confidence at all and essentially feelings of inferiority and worthlessness.
I’m not blowing my own trumpet in saying that I did manage to build some pride in myself by being resilient enough to manage to some extent. I managed to get myself to uni a bit later in life and build my confidence somewhat.
It’s always been a struggle though. I’ve always felt I’m in a battle, a few steps away from falling to bits and collapsing.
There have been times in my life when I’ve gone on a roll. A few years of things going well and being at least content. But then there have been several episodes when I’ve crashed and everything has gone to bits. These periods often result in me falling out of employment and going into hibernation and experiencing severe anxiety and stress.
I’ve toyed with recreational drugs a lot though life. And although I never felt like this resulted in seriousness issues of addiction or dependence, several doctors have pointed out that persistent weed smoking for example probably doesn’t help at all with developing my self confidence and self esteem. I’ve taken this on board and resolved to at least try and limit any use. And this combined with just growing out of that kind of stuff has resulted in using less and less. I gave up smoking weed back in January and any coke use has dwindled to very occasionally being persuaded to accept a line or two off someone on a night out.
Then earlier this year an almost three year relationship with a girl ended. Even though I recognised that the relationship had been fizzling out and wasn’t really working, the ending really hit me internally. I had these massive feelings of worthlessness and being unloveable and all the rest of it.
And this led to the absolute abyss. Despite being fully aware of the dangers and staying well away for years, I’ve ended up succumbing to the real bad drugs. Heroin and crack.
Now I know most people take a dim view of users of this stuff and look down on those who use. And I get that. But I will point out that even in the hell of addiction and desperation I will not lose sight of my essential self and the morals I have. I have been in situations over the past few months when I’ve had no access to cash and I’ve been in severe withdrawals. And it’s been hell. Serious pain and suffering. And I’ve just soaked it up and suffered. And not once did the idea of stealing off anyone, or even shop lifting, ever enter my head. I’m not like that. It’s a line I won’t cross. I won’t make other innocent people pay a price to resolve my self inflicted suffering. I’ve proven that and I’m proud of it. So I don’t want to be tarred with that brush.
But it is ruining my life. I have pretty much spent everything I have. Even to the extent of dipping into my rent money and falling behind in arrears, so putting myself in danger of eviction. I’m on methadone so that has pretty much dealt with the heroin issue. But the crack isn’t so easy to deal with. It’s evil man. It becomes an obsession and just drains everything you have.
This has all worsened my self esteem and confidence to that extent that I’m often wondering what the point is in trying to sort things out. That I’m really not worth the effort and it would be better to just allow the ultimate conclusion to come around and let it finish me off.
I’m heading full speed into a wall and just can’t seem to stop myself.
No doubt I’m going to get some strong reactions and negativity on here now. And I know I deserve it. So lay it on me.
I guess there are many causes of mental health problems like mine but I’m sure that one of the major causes was my childhood experience. My parents were alcoholics - one functioning, one very much not - and were very abusive in a number of ways. My childhood was marked by a lot of fear and a lot of severe unhappiness and insecurity, and being exposed to much violence.
This ultimately resulted in me getting to my teenage years as a person without any self confidence at all and essentially feelings of inferiority and worthlessness.
I’m not blowing my own trumpet in saying that I did manage to build some pride in myself by being resilient enough to manage to some extent. I managed to get myself to uni a bit later in life and build my confidence somewhat.
It’s always been a struggle though. I’ve always felt I’m in a battle, a few steps away from falling to bits and collapsing.
There have been times in my life when I’ve gone on a roll. A few years of things going well and being at least content. But then there have been several episodes when I’ve crashed and everything has gone to bits. These periods often result in me falling out of employment and going into hibernation and experiencing severe anxiety and stress.
I’ve toyed with recreational drugs a lot though life. And although I never felt like this resulted in seriousness issues of addiction or dependence, several doctors have pointed out that persistent weed smoking for example probably doesn’t help at all with developing my self confidence and self esteem. I’ve taken this on board and resolved to at least try and limit any use. And this combined with just growing out of that kind of stuff has resulted in using less and less. I gave up smoking weed back in January and any coke use has dwindled to very occasionally being persuaded to accept a line or two off someone on a night out.
Then earlier this year an almost three year relationship with a girl ended. Even though I recognised that the relationship had been fizzling out and wasn’t really working, the ending really hit me internally. I had these massive feelings of worthlessness and being unloveable and all the rest of it.
And this led to the absolute abyss. Despite being fully aware of the dangers and staying well away for years, I’ve ended up succumbing to the real bad drugs. Heroin and crack.
Now I know most people take a dim view of users of this stuff and look down on those who use. And I get that. But I will point out that even in the hell of addiction and desperation I will not lose sight of my essential self and the morals I have. I have been in situations over the past few months when I’ve had no access to cash and I’ve been in severe withdrawals. And it’s been hell. Serious pain and suffering. And I’ve just soaked it up and suffered. And not once did the idea of stealing off anyone, or even shop lifting, ever enter my head. I’m not like that. It’s a line I won’t cross. I won’t make other innocent people pay a price to resolve my self inflicted suffering. I’ve proven that and I’m proud of it. So I don’t want to be tarred with that brush.
But it is ruining my life. I have pretty much spent everything I have. Even to the extent of dipping into my rent money and falling behind in arrears, so putting myself in danger of eviction. I’m on methadone so that has pretty much dealt with the heroin issue. But the crack isn’t so easy to deal with. It’s evil man. It becomes an obsession and just drains everything you have.
This has all worsened my self esteem and confidence to that extent that I’m often wondering what the point is in trying to sort things out. That I’m really not worth the effort and it would be better to just allow the ultimate conclusion to come around and let it finish me off.
I’m heading full speed into a wall and just can’t seem to stop myself.
No doubt I’m going to get some strong reactions and negativity on here now. And I know I deserve it. So lay it on me.
efcforever
Player Valuation: £10m
Very brave post mate. Firstly I would never judge anyone for substance abuse. In tough times we all have different coping strategies and it can happen to anyone. The important thing now is tackling it. Are you in regular contact with your GP? That is usually the best place to start.
My dad was an alcoholic for years when I was growing up. He and my mum used to drink regularly and it got to the point where I'd feel anxious when ever the booze was brought out at home because I knew where it would end up. Fortunately they both knocked it on the head about 8 years ago and have never looked back. I've read alot about the effect of alcoholic parents on children and it does seem to affect the children into adulthood.
I would get to your GP (if you haven't already) and ask for support with the crack. Hopefully they can advise you of some support groups etc.
collymcd
Player Valuation: £15m
Fair play for posting that. Don't buy in to the negative press on addiction. It's a solution to suffering, not a moral issue.
The way you're treating yourself is violent. I'm sure what you experienced as a kid has had a really profound affect there. Nobody deserves that and nobody deserves the punishment you're giving yourself now either.
Is there anything that you really enjoy doing, or could enjoy doing? Especially if it involves other people. I think focusing on that connection could be a great place to kickstart you towards a better place.
The GPs just refer you to the drug rehab services, who obviously I’m in touch with and have sorted me methadone. I’ve found that with methadone, along with the tolerance effect, getting on top of the heroin has been quite straight forward.
With the other stuff though unfortunately there is no medication to help with that. It’s just a matter of will power. They have sign posted me towards NA meetings which I haven’t been tried yet. I’m pretty sceptical towards those sort of things although I realise beggars can’t be choosers and will probably try at some point.
A fair few friends have almost given up on me. Not really in the sense that they’ve cut me off. But in the sense of them saying they don’t really know how to help.
But a couple I know got in touch with me last night and have invited me to go over to their place at the weekend for what sounds like an intervention kind of thing. Just the thought of it has relaxed me a bit. Fingers crossed.
Thanks for the response.
Can’t think of anything I’d enjoy now to be honest. Guess that thing about losing interest in normally enjoyable activities is full on with me right now.
I know I shouldn’t rely on other people to get me out of this and I should be looking to do it myself. But what I really feel I need right now is for a Good Samaritan to take me in, keep me under lock and key for a few weeks and pull me through this.
As I mentioned in a post above, it sounds like some friends have organised an intervention type thing for me at the weekend so hopefully that’ll be a step in the right direction.
I have a friend who works in our local GUM clinic and as @Cardano says the treatment nowadays is so amazing that they, in all honesty, told me they would rather be HIV+ than have cancer. Plus some of the drugs they provide make it virtually impossible to pass on the virus by reducing the levels to almost negligible counts so much so that it's possible to still go on and raise a family.
I know you're going through a lot of inner turmoil and my heart goes out to you but it's no longer life threatening and doesn't carry the stigma it once did.
I hope you resolve things in your head and personal relationship.
Tim's tourettes
Player Valuation: £10m
@Cardano , I'd like to think u wont get looked down on or abuse in this thread. Posters on here are generally genuine people suffering from different issues and it's been a good help to me. I cant relate to your situation but fair play for having the balls to be so honest. I hope your mates do have some sort of intervention for you, it sounds like u do need some tough Love. Good luck mate
Cheers for responding man.
I think I mentioned about getting a negative reaction in relation to the hard drugs.
I do think I deserve a bit of dressing down to be honest and I’m happy to take it. I don’t think I’m dim at all and have become an innocent victim of bad drugs. I should know better and I’ve made some pretty irresponsible decisions. So yeah, if it comes in a package that also contains a little empathy and support, I can accept a bit of a bollocking.
I also expected some negativity in another sense too. I’m aware that a lot of people do look at people involved in heroin and crack use with disdain and often disgust. I’ve done it myself in the past. And even amongst people who have plenty of involvement in smoking weed and/or snorting coke, their is a kind of drug hierarchy and they look down on those who use the two ‘untouchables’.
I tell you what though, looking for positives to take from the mess I’ve gotten myself into, one will definitely be a whole different view to those with hard drug problems. I have, I admit, looked at such people in the past as somehow beneath me. I’ve probably held a view that such people are inherently bad people, not to be trusted, people who would rob you blind as soon as your back is turned.
And I’ve learnt that is actually far from the case. Of course, they’re addicts, and a lot of them do go shoplifting to maintain their habit. But when I started getting into this mess, before I got myself ingratiated with dealers directly, I had to go through people I approached on the streets to go and get the stuff for me. And on a good few occasions I put myself in a position where it would’ve been the easiest thing in the world to rob me. I made myself a sitting target. There were times when I actually handed money to complete strangers who were obvious addicts, whilst they disappeared around the corner. I actually expected them to not return. But not once did it happen. Never. And it would have been so so easy for them.
Something else I came across was the bond they seem to have around the experience they all share of withdrawal symptoms. I mixed with a few groups of street homeless and people in and out of homeless hostels. And there is a kind of ‘scene’. Everybody knows of everybody. And just like with any group of people there are individuals who perhaps don’t especially get on with other individuals. I had people slagging others off, telling me what a c**t so and so was and how they couldn’t stand them. And then a few hours later I watched the person who had been mouthing off go and give their target, the c**t, half of their own last bag of heroin. Simply because that person was having withdrawal symptoms. A phrase I often heard was “I won’t see anybody go sick”. This common experience seems to bind them together and look after each other.
So shoplifters? Yeah. To be kept an eye on? Yeah. Angels? No. But scum of the earth without morals and prepared to do anyone over to ensure their own comfort. Well not exactly.
I was genuinely surprised and will take a lot from that. If I ever get through my current mess I think I want to look into working with street homeless and/or addicts.
Sorry i went into one a bit there and this thread probably isn’t appropriate for this kind of post so I’ll rein it in in future. But that is a genuine positive I’ll take from this abyss.
AmericasToffee
Player Valuation: £40m
@Cardano you did take the first step towards those hard drugs. I wish that [Poor language removed] didn't exist though. The highs of natural chemical occurrences that those two mimic are way too powerful. It's going to suck. It's going to feel like you need those drugs to survive, but that's just your body telling you something isn't right with how it's been programmed to function. And it adapted to those hard drugs, so hell yes to making your body feel that something isn't right and correcting itself.
Good on you for taking the first steps to getting control of your life back. I'm at work right now but I'll see if I can drudge up any research that can help when I get home
Good on you for taking the first steps to getting control of your life back. I'm at work right now but I'll see if I can drudge up any research that can help when I get home
Christmas can be a hard time for people so anyone struggling with hope it goes well and ye get through it.
My worst spell with depression was at Christmas a couple or years ago.
One recommendation to anyone who finds it tough is stay of social media even if it is for only a few days. Looking at others posting up about their perfect lives with no problems can be too much. Even if it most of it is only a front.
My worst spell with depression was at Christmas a couple or years ago.
One recommendation to anyone who finds it tough is stay of social media even if it is for only a few days. Looking at others posting up about their perfect lives with no problems can be too much. Even if it most of it is only a front.
Posted the same on Facebook myself this morning. Lots of people, consciously or otherwise, share how happy and festive family life is for them this time of year which is no crime but can carry a lot of weight in itself. For lots of people, myself included, this can be the loneliest time of year so I always delete my apps for a week from today.
Hope everyone here struggling knows to talk to someone or pop on here for a chat & a distraction.
Vegas Toffee Girl
Player Valuation: £8m
I'll be on here today and tomorrow if anyone wants to chat.
Christmas is slow at my house. Most of my family is 3,000 miles away. My husband will probably nap through most of Christmas, my son will be playing video games, and my mom will tell me about all of her work problems.
Maybe we can get together and take over other people's threads for the day?? I don't know, something fun. There are 5 NBA games on tomorrow if you can view them.
Christmas is slow at my house. Most of my family is 3,000 miles away. My husband will probably nap through most of Christmas, my son will be playing video games, and my mom will tell me about all of her work problems.
Maybe we can get together and take over other people's threads for the day?? I don't know, something fun. There are 5 NBA games on tomorrow if you can view them.