I had to do a safeguarding course as part of the coaching that I do the other day and it’s pretty much unsurfaced the amount of abuse I suffered as a kid. I’ll stress at this point that it’s nothing to do with sexual abuse at all, but a lot of physical and emotional abuse at home. Just to put it in a timeframe I’m 31 now.
A lot of it stemmed from dead simple stuff like not doing homework as a teenager. That normally resulted in a pretty good beating and being told that all I was going to be was a dosser, how I’d failed everyone, parents not talking to me or including me at dinner etc rather than the shrug of the shoulders that most other kids would get in the same scenario. Getting detentions was seen as on par with me being sent to a juvenile centre and I’m pretty sure that was used as a ‘that’ll be the next step’ more than once. There were times when my dad actually knocked me clean out as a kid, it was insane.
I have two massive issues with it, one in that it was done under the precedent of ‘caring’ about me, again without noting how it was really affecting me, I had a terrible few years at the end of school where I’d act out a lot to actually cope (as well as pretty much being a carer for my grandad) which caused more issues at home so it was pretty much a horrible loop.
Second is that I really can’t believe that the school never picked up on it. I know one reply to getting a detention was ‘oh cool, another black eye, cheers miss.’ Sure enough I went to school the next day with a black eye, no comment from the school whatsoever.
There were times when I retaliated too when I got to 15, 16 I remember my mum going to slap me one day, catching her hand and lashing out at her, which saw her run away to my dad claiming I was a psycho and totally unable to comprehend that she pushed me to that point. He quite cooly said he could kill me there and then so I wouldn’t be a problem anymore. I dared him too.
I think it has affected me a lot more than I thought it did. I don’t think I ever really wanted to socialise or relate to people that much. Notably things relationship wise got far better when I went to college where the atmosphere was completely different. It was odd.
I’ve spoken about it with my partner before and she’s always noted that my dads always seemed so guilty when talking about my youth and when I’ve been down etc all he’s told her is that I’ve had a difficult life. I think he gets it on reflection.
In terms of relationships now, it’s odd to say that I love my parents. My dad a lot more than my mum, I’ve always put it down to my mum being the main instigator as it were. It took a while to get there. I can talk to my dad, but honestly I struggle with my mum. When I had problems with addiction and general mental health she always brushed it off. In some ways I guess the neglect continued.
I’ve never wanted kids, I don’t think I could stand the possibility of putting someone through what I went through. I still struggle with self destructive behaviour at time.
Without blowing my own horn, I didn’t become the dosser as predicted. I went to uni, got one degree, went again and got a masters, went again and added another masters and a PhD. Not bad for someone that really couldn’t be bothered with Art or Science homework.
I’m not looking for any sympathy, or anything at all. I just wanted to put to paper the thoughts I’d had since last week.
