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Discussion & help on depression & mental health related issues

Spotty said:
Sorry for your loss. There was much what you said resonated with me. I lost Dad through alcoholism - self harm for him really - a number of years ago. Think of him often and I'm filled with anger sometimes. Had my two boys as toddlers and they missed out on him as a grandad. When you lose someone there isn't a template for " dealing with it ". There are stages to the grieving process. If just tells you what you " should / could " be feeling. For me grieving is a horse's for courses process. Example my mum had a stroke , brought 5 of us up on her own, and frankly she didn't " deserve " losing her sight, being in a wheelchair and she was suffering so I wanted her to go. As a Catholic I had many a conversation or " frank discussion " with God - about fairness and all that. So mum and dad's death were so different. My humble opinion is this. Time can be a good healer and although a cliché, is so apt. I liken grieving to getting a sharp prod in your heart daily, but the sharpness gets blunter. You can feel it but over time, the pain gets blunter. Seek help if you feel it is having an adverse affect on your life, becoming all encompassing. If you feel that as time goes by, the pain lessens, then all well and good. You'll probably get to a stage when there will be a day or two when you don't think about him. It's normal. As I say I wish there was a " reference book " for helping grieving people but there isn't. I just hope for you the pain gets a little less for you over time. ( Try to avoid listening to Mike and the Mechanics, as one of their tracks is very poignant for all of us who have lost a dad ). Good luck buddy.
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This really resonated, especially since in some ways it sounds so similar (though with my mom it was cancer).

Thank you for posting it.
 
Hogwild said:
I don’t know why I am posting this but I guess I need to get it out somewhere...

Lost my Dad last night. Though in truth I think I lost him 10 years ago when I lost my Mom.

He has struggled mightily with alcoholism in the intervening years and it wreaked havoc on his life.

Im struggling with how I feel now. Am over 40 but still not ready to have no parent And have no siblings to share with, though I am lucky to be blessed with a wife and two sons.

I guess I just feel hollow, and regret. I am fortunate in that I know my dad loved me and I know that he knew I loved him, but our relationship, though we talked most every day so I could be sure he was getting on okay, wasn’t perfect. I know I could have done better.

I’ve been lying awake the last 4 hours and finally thought maybe writing something would help.

Thanks for listening.
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Sorry for your loss, but how do you know you could have done better? My parents split up 20 odd years ago and my dad who'd been off the beer for years went back on it and now has a problem, the pandemic has made things worse as he's now drinking at home which he never did before, I haven't seen him since February but am in phone contact regularly and I've tried to bring up his drinking but he just hangs up and won't talk to me again for a few days, even before the pandemic I tried a face to face discussion and was told and I quote "don't you ever bring up my drinking again". He's 75 now so in reality another 10 years of me having my dad is possible but with his drinking unlikely, he doesn't want help and me trying will only serve to push us apart.
I guess you saying you could have done more is an unknown in reality it could have gone either way.
 
Tipp blue said:
Sorry for your loss, but how do you know you could have done better? My parents split up 20 odd years ago and my dad who'd been off the beer for years went back on it and now has a problem, the pandemic has made things worse as he's now drinking at home which he never did before, I haven't seen him since February but am in phone contact regularly and I've tried to bring up his drinking but he just hangs up and won't talk to me again for a few days, even before the pandemic I tried a face to face discussion and was told and I quote "don't you ever bring up my drinking again". He's 75 now so in reality another 10 years of me having my dad is possible but with his drinking unlikely, he doesn't want help and me trying will only serve to push us apart.
I guess you saying you could have done more is an unknown in reality it could have gone either way.
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Tipp you've done what you can. The reason your telling him your concerned is because you love him. You could write a letter, tell him your concerns but add that you won't mention his drinking again. I suspect there is is something deeper why his drinking had increased. Depression perhaps?. You've done your bit mate but your in an awfull position seeing a loved one self harm!. Hope things improve for you and dad.
 

@Hogwild my dad essentially went downhill for 20 years with alcoholism. The last 10 years or so was due to a stroke from the ringer he put his body through with the alcohol and prescription drugs. I, too, have many many regrets about not doing more, not visiting more, not calling more, not looking him square in the face and asking him how he's doing. Truth is I was afraid to know the answer. The regrets kept me up and wore me down to the point where I would cry until I had no tears left in the first few weeks. Time is the great healer. It doesn't make the loss easier, but it does help you find contentment with your past choices and this new normal.

I'm fortunate that the last real conversation I had with my father was after we started exploring hospice care. I looked him square in the eyes and told him that I would love him always, no matter what happens. About five days later he was gone. Couldn't really even speak in the days after he deteriorated so quickly. In the times that I wouldn't be able to visit often, I was living far away from home pursuing a career that sustained me and made me happy. He was happy for me, even though I knew it made him sad that I couldn't be around as much. I take consolation in these good memories, knowing that I was doing something good for myself and that my pops was proud. It took me a while to come to this, mostly after speaking with my ma and asking if dad held it against me for moving away. She told me that dad would always say how proud he is of me. That's something I didn't know. It's normal to ask why we aren't/weren't better about doing things. It's normal to have regrets. That's the human condition, and no one is immune.

Your father knew he was loved and got to speak to his son on most days. I can't imagine much more a father could need or want in such condition.
 
AmericasToffee said:
@Hogwild my dad essentially went downhill for 20 years with alcoholism. The last 10 years or so was due to a stroke from the ringer he put his body through with the alcohol and prescription drugs. I, too, have many many regrets about not doing more, not visiting more, not calling more, not looking him square in the face and asking him how he's doing. Truth is I was afraid to know the answer. The regrets kept me up and wore me down to the point where I would cry until I had no tears left in the first few weeks. Time is the great healer. It doesn't make the loss easier, but it does help you find contentment with your past choices and this new normal.

I'm fortunate that the last real conversation I had with my father was after we started exploring hospice care. I looked him square in the eyes and told him that I would love him always, no matter what happens. About five days later he was gone. Couldn't really even speak in the days after he deteriorated so quickly. In the times that I wouldn't be able to visit often, I was living far away from home pursuing a career that sustained me and made me happy. He was happy for me, even though I knew it made him sad that I couldn't be around as much. I take consolation in these good memories, knowing that I was doing something good for myself and that my pops was proud. It took me a while to come to this, mostly after speaking with my ma and asking if dad held it against me for moving away. She told me that dad would always say how proud he is of me. That's something I didn't know. It's normal to ask why we aren't/weren't better about doing things. It's normal to have regrets. That's the human condition, and no one is immune.

Your father knew he was loved and got to speak to his son on most days. I can't imagine much more a father could need or want in such condition.
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Thank you for that. It can be hard to think of alcoholism for the disease it is. I’ve harbored lots of anger over the years, especially after watching dad drink himself into the hospital again and again since Mom passed, but my wife would correctly point out to me that he was sick and had a disease.

I loved him, was there for him, took him to rehab, shared my life and my boys lives with him, but I think he knew that though I loved him I had some anger. I was always hesitant to express it because he would get angry and in the end it was easier to be angry than to fight.

I guess I wish that I had told him I forgave him.

It is a situation where logically I know and comprehend that I did what I could, but emotionally it is difficult. My wife and kids have been great and we are going to be able to have the memorial next Tuesday. I wrote it today and that was tough but also cathartic.

I’m in a better place today than I was a couple of days ago, and am able to take more comfort in knowing his suffering and struggles are over and he is back by my moms side, which really I think is where he has wanted to be for some time.

I’m glad I posted as the comments by all of you really have helped. Thank you all.
 

Hogwild said:
Thank you for that. It can be hard to think of alcoholism for the disease it is. I’ve harbored lots of anger over the years, especially after watching dad drink himself into the hospital again and again since Mom passed, but my wife would correctly point out to me that he was sick and had a disease.

I loved him, was there for him, took him to rehab, shared my life and my boys lives with him, but I think he knew that though I loved him I had some anger. I was always hesitant to express it because he would get angry and in the end it was easier to be angry than to fight.

I guess I wish that I had told him I forgave him.

It is a situation where logically I know and comprehend that I did what I could, but emotionally it is difficult. My wife and kids have been great and we are going to be able to have the memorial next Tuesday. I wrote it today and that was tough but also cathartic.

I’m in a better place today than I was a couple of days ago, and am able to take more comfort in knowing his suffering and struggles are over and he is back by my moms side, which really I think is where he has wanted to be for some time.

I’m glad I posted as the comments by all of you really have helped. Thank you all.
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Glad to hear you're in a better place buddy and that's a lovely thought that he's happy and at your mums side. Always keep that thought when you're feeling down. They'll both be together watching over you and your family. Your dad knew you forgave him because you were always there for him. You were so blessed to see him and talk to him everyday and tell him you love him and he to you. Now it's your mum and dads time to tell each other again how much they love and missed each other (your mum may give him a ticking off though for putting you through so much lol) but they'll both ALWAYS be watching and praying for you and your family.
 
wainy said:
Just about to lose my home and kids. I mean seriously what is the fucken point
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Saint your not in a good place son and I think you need a helping hand. I have put on a link to a great organisation that provides the support you obviously need. I don't know your personal circumstances but I'll give it a shot. At some point your kids will need you. I don't know when, but they will. Don't know the ages of your kids but are you able to tell them that you love them, that the problems mum and dad have are not their fault and you want to continue to be in their life. Are you able to go to the Drs, explain and get some help from them. What about your own family, can you talk to them. Your life will have an impact Wainy on someone. People will need your support, you can be a positive influence on other people's life as well. Consequently your self esteem will increase if you see how you've helped people. I can only imagine how terrible your feeling buddy but try to get help, if possible communicate with the kids and tell people how your feeling. Have a look at the web site for some practical help Wainy. Hang on in their son and people will be there to help you, but they need to know who you are and what's going on. Remember, there are people who want to help. Take care.

Families Need Fathers - Home

Are you a separated dad or mum who is having difficulties over contact with your child? We will help. UK's leading shared parenting charity, supporting parents who are denied contact or who are struggling with legal and emotional issues following separation. WE offer some free access to...
fnf.org.uk fnf.org.uk
 
Spotty said:
Saint your not in a good place son and I think you need a helping hand. I have put on a link to a great organisation that provides the support you obviously need. I don't know your personal circumstances but I'll give it a shot. At some point your kids will need you. I don't know when, but they will. Don't know the ages of your kids but are you able to tell them that you love them, that the problems mum and dad have are not their fault and you want to continue to be in their life. Are you able to go to the Drs, explain and get some help from them. What about your own family, can you talk to them. Your life will have an impact Wainy on someone. People will need your support, you can be a positive influence on other people's life as well. Consequently your self esteem will increase if you see how you've helped people. I can only imagine how terrible your feeling buddy but try to get help, if possible communicate with the kids and tell people how your feeling. Have a look at the web site for some practical help Wainy. Hang on in their son and people will be there to help you, but they need to know who you are and what's going on. Remember, there are people who want to help. Take care.

Families Need Fathers - Home

Are you a separated dad or mum who is having difficulties over contact with your child? We will help. UK's leading shared parenting charity, supporting parents who are denied contact or who are struggling with legal and emotional issues following separation. WE offer some free access to...
fnf.org.uk fnf.org.uk
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Thank you mate, that means a lot to me. Such lovely words
 
This isn't so much depression but just after a bit of advice. Bout 2 and a half weeks ago i took a tumble on the bathroom floor cos it was wet. Dislocated shoulder and triple fracture of the humerus bone just below the shoulder, off work for 2 months minimum and basically just sitting on the lounge watching tv because i obviously can't do anything around the house, anyway extremely bored so if anyones got any ideas of how to pass time it'd be much appreciated. Cheers.
 
cronullasharks said:
This isn't so much depression but just after a bit of advice. Bout 2 and a half weeks ago i took a tumble on the bathroom floor cos it was wet. Dislocated shoulder and triple fracture of the humerus bone just below the shoulder, off work for 2 months minimum and basically just sitting on the lounge watching tv because i obviously can't do anything around the house, anyway extremely bored so if anyones got any ideas of how to pass time it'd be much appreciated. Cheers.
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Bloody hell mate sounds nasty, hope your alright under circumstances.
 

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