Everton Transfer Thread 2016

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caught said:
It's like having two birds this isn't it lads? One's named after a river and you've always believed her as she's never had a reason to lie and seems to have a life of her own, even though mostly she's tended to speak with an educated optimism that gives the impression of knowledge without the certainty you crave. The other one is called Anal Delight or something and is the most boring human being you've ever had the misfortune of ploughing with nine of your mates while she bites down on a dental dog treat. She's not even a good liar, but you've been burned so many times before there's something innate in your mind that tends to see the worst case as an inevitable reality of your existence.

Then when it all kicks off your river-named bird is nowhere to be seen, while Anal Delight dresses up as Scotchbutterpie or one of her other identities and urinates all over your living room screaming "THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS KNOWN! THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED!" and everyone you live with starts to turn on your river-named bird because most of what she said could probably be read in the paper. And your like, "lids, it might be in the paper but the level of attentiveness suggests at least some of what she said is based in well informed fact obtained through a mutually respectful relationship with informed parties" while all your housemates are like "NARR LID SHE'S A PYAR SNIDE" even though they were leaving pleasant messages on her facebook wall only yesterday.

Then Anal Delight dresses up as a 25 year-old journalist who is actually 27 and has a son who is both ten months old and 2 years old and screams "THEY THINK IT'S WITSEL OVER!!! IT IS NOW" directly into your eyeballs as your trying to read an earnest defence of the merits of Gareth Barry, while a large-headed male who once went to Benidorm for a week and likes to go on about it goes round poking everyone, laughing and saying "TOLD YOU SO, HAHAHA, CLASS OF 2007!! I HATE SLEEVE TATTOOS AND PEOPLE UNDER 30" and his old fat mate tries to get off the couch but can't quite manage it so just pretends to talk like a character from The Wire, and Anal Delight has now DRESSED UP LIKE YOUR BIRD WITH THE RIVER NAME AND IS NOW SIMULTANEOUSLY PROVIDING YOU WITH OPTIMISTIC INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR FUTURE WHILST WHATSAPPING YOUR NEIGHBOUR'S SISTER WHO HAS SOLID INFORMATION THAT NOTHING IN YOUR LIFE WILL EVER GO RIGHT AGAIN

AND IT'S THE HOLIDAYS SO ALL THESE KIDS ARE RUNNING AROUND YOUR LIVING ROOM GOING "MY HEAD! MY HEAD!" AS THEIR ACTUAL HEADS START DROPPING TO THE FLOOR AND BOUNCING AROUND LIKE LUKAKU TRYING TO TRAP A SHORT PASS AND YOU START TO THINK "I NEVER SEEM TO HAVE MUCH LUCK WITH MY BIRDS FOR SOME REASON I WONDER WHY???? MAYBE I SHOULD DO ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE SEX TESTS IN THE ALE HOUSE OR FINALLY BITE THE BULLET AND RESPOND TO BUNGLE'S PRIVATE MESSAGES ABOUT THE WEEKEND TRIP TO BOGNOR REGIS WITH HIS FRIEND WHO LOOKS A BIT LIKE RICHARD MADELEY"
Click to expand...
Pure poetry
 


I wonder how long into this window until a large section on here realise they've been massively lied to

I'm guessing one week before it shuts the fog will begin to clear and some serious questions will be asked
 
Think some people on here need to go and have a lie down, or be put down the way they are carrying on! Just because we haven't signed anyone yet doesn;t mean we wont sign someone today. Even if we dont sign someone today does that mean we should all get the knives out and confront the esk while he shouts et tu Angel Delight?!!!
I personally have no doubt that the esk knows more than most of us here, I also believe there are other people on the forum who probably know bits and bobs but won't post things because they know they will be harassed for info and as soon as something doesnt come off, no matter how miniscule in detail they will be derided.
I know that it isn't in most Evertonians make-up to be optimistic, especially those of us under 35 who may have had some glory but cant really remember it and the glory that we had was all too fleeting but honestly what is the point in calling someone out continuously? We are lucky to have someone that is prepared to stick their head above the parapet but just because they are prepared to do so doesn't mean you have to have a pot shot at them. Accept that people are posting in good faith, not to ruin your friday when people don't sign. Signings will always take longer with Everton until Kenwright is completely out the door - do you really think Axel Witsel has heard of Blood Brothers or even knows what Corrie is? Bill is probably having a field day talking his ear off about the great times of television and theatre.... Everyone take a breath, it will all be okay.
 


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