Jokes Thread



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Mark Knopfler come home carrying a large picture and a bag of French fries.

His missus says, "What have you been up to ?"
He replies, "I was at the auction and got this by a French impressionist, and then went to the chippy for your tea."
His missus responded, "And how much have you sent this time ?"

Knopfler replies, "I got the Monet for nothing and the chips for free."

lollol
Liam Gallagher goes into a cafe and orders some soup. He asks, "You gotta roll with it?"
 

The guys were all at a weekend camp.
No one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so badly. T
hey decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?”

He said, " Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.


They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."


The third night was Fred's turn.
Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?"


He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
 
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom.

The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
 

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