SiEdmo
Player Valuation: £10m
hahahaha that's a cracker
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
hahahaha that's a cracker
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
There were five kids in our house when I was growing up. Never slept on my own until I got married.
Billysgingham.
Player Valuation: £40m
Wife says to her hubby do you want dinner, the hubby says yes what's my choices, the wife says Yes or No.
bluesb1970
Player Valuation: £20m
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
Once a large, heavy animal and the others a little lighter!
Once a large, heavy animal and the others a little lighter!
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for school ?
Bison.
Bison.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
The wife has just said, "we should try some role reversal in bed tonight".
I replied, "I have a headache".
I replied, "I have a headache".
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’
The boy turns, and whispers back,
‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
“Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’
The boy turns, and whispers back,
‘I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.’
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A guy had just settled in to his seat next to the window on the plane when another guy sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second guy explained that he was an Agent in the Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’
‘His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Agent said, ‘Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.’ Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the Agent’s arm. The officer said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the guy and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
‘Gee, that's pretty phenomenal,’ replied the first guy.
Once again, the Agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
The officer said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate. The officer then told Sniffer to ‘search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on it.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the drug agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, ‘He just found a bomb.'
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second guy explained that he was an Agent in the Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’
‘His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Agent said, ‘Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.’ Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the Agent’s arm. The officer said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the guy and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
‘Gee, that's pretty phenomenal,’ replied the first guy.
Once again, the Agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
The officer said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate. The officer then told Sniffer to ‘search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop on it.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the drug agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, ‘He just found a bomb.'
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
The wedding ceremony came to the point where the Minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly towards the minister, the congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly towards the minister, the congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The Minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."
gonetomorrow
Player Valuation: £70m
Boy in class "Sir! Sir! You wouldn't punish someone for something they hadn't done, would you?"
Teacher "No of course not."
Boy "Oh good because I haven't done my homework."
Teacher "No of course not."
Boy "Oh good because I haven't done my homework."
deipnosophist
Player Valuation: £80m
reminds me a little of the old joke : a fella comes home from work and his missus comes sliding down the bannister to greet him. "what on earth are you doing?" he asks. She replies "I'm just warming up your dinner"
chrismpw
Player Valuation: £70m
Convinced myself she was going to announce: '" I'm a vegan".
gross
deipnosophist
Player Valuation: £80m
you're keen lol