Jokes Thread

[Methuselah]

At the Pier Head one match day in the 60s,double decker used to pick up and take us to GP,this day it filled up and the conductor was placing the strap across the platform and a little fella asked him how long would the next one be?
he replied about 22ft and everyone laughed,and the little fella said "oh aye, and
will it have a shthouse on it like this one".

When I was about 10 (1946) I was on a tram going home. It got to the junction of East Lancs Rd and Townsend Avenue where the tramlines parted. We were going straight on, so the driver got out with his crowbar to change the points. He was obviously having problems as we were waiting for quite some time. All of a sudden there was an almighty 'clang' as he dropped the crowbar. A little old lady, on her own, said to no one in particular 'his eye's fell out'. I laughed the whole week-end whenever I thought of it.lol

 

[chrismpw]

Please explain, as I don’t get it.

 

[Seathestars]

My wife is not talking to me, said I ruined her Birthday, don't know how she worked that out, I didn't even know it was her Birthday.

 

[verreauxi]

Found some help online...
https://arstechnica.com/civis/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=455380

 

[AndyC]

Why sentence structure in English is so important...


The boss had to fire somebody, so he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went over to the water cooler right away to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like crap this morning...”

 

[chrismpw]

Found some help online...
https://arstechnica.com/civis/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=455380

Sorry, didn't realise it was a genuine request, being a joke every kid in the uk used a million times!

 

[summerisle]

Spent six hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt.
It was a complete waist of time.

 

[verreauxi]

Sorry, didn't realise it was a genuine request, being a joke every kid in the uk used a million times!

No worries. I figured it was a UK thing.

 

[chrismpw]

No worries. I figured it was a UK thing.

Noddy isn't global?

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

That's the quick Scouse wit you miss when you leave Liverpool......

Second that
I'm in tears at that
Brilliant

 

[AndyC]

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer... than men who mention it.

 

[Lickle eric]

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees.

Because they are very good at it.

 

[aazak]

 

[summerisle]

Did you hear about the French cheese factory that exploded ?
There was nothing left but de brie.

 

[royalblue66]

Years back the road tax was every quarter,and for every quarter there used to be
a different colour,and one was a sand coloured one, so whe ever that came around it was on with the Guiness label, I was approaching the tunnel when a
scuffed jumped out, and said will you give me a lift to the other side, he was sitting there with this Guinness label just above his headand the sweat was ruining off me, he got out the other end and said "you need to take something,you have got the flu coming on.