Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
Professor Toffee
On and on, over the hill and the craic is good
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real blert, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,
sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and Hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client.
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,
sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and Hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client.
A sign in a bakers window reads 'ALL CAKES 50p TODAY' a guy walks in says 'can I have that one in the window' certainly says the baker and wraps it for him 'That'll be £1 please' 'I thought all the cakes were 50p today' asks the customer, the baker replies 'They are but that's Madeira cake'
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.
Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy Citibank!"
Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich Prince... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak...
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
"I'm not selling"
Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy Citibank!"
Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich Prince... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak...
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:
"I'm not selling"
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A middle-aged frumpy couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful,
leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man.
"Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65,000 to the lovely young lady there. You told us there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Then, the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go Dad," she said. "I told you I could get the tosser to reduce the price!”
leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the £75,000 asking price," said the man.
"Yet I just heard you close the deal for £65,000 to the lovely young lady there. You told us there could be no discount on this model."
"Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman.
Then, the young woman approached the middle-aged couple and gave them the keys.
"There you go Dad," she said. "I told you I could get the tosser to reduce the price!”
Black Belt Jones
Player Valuation: £20m
Man goes into a cake shop in Glasgow and asks 'is that a macaroon or a meringue?'
Women replies 'Yer no wrang, it's a macaroon'
Women replies 'Yer no wrang, it's a macaroon'
AndyC
Player Valuation: £70m
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him and said, "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like [Poor language removed] cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
.
.
.
.
.
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him and said, "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like [Poor language removed] cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
.
.
.
.
.
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
I was kidnapped by a mime artist yesterday
He did unspeakable things to me.
He did unspeakable things to me.
summerisle
The rain, it raineth every day
Shouldn't that be 'your'