Jokes Thread

[Dixie D]

A woman throws a party based on emotions...

The first person to arrive is dressed all in red..."ahh" she say's...."you must be red with anger!"

The second person to arrive is dressed all in green..."don't tell me you must be green with envy!"...she says.

The third arrival is two naked african -American men...one is drooping his penis in a bowl of desert & the other one has his penis poking through a hollowed out peice of fruit!

"I don't understand, this is a party based on emotions?" She says...

One of the men replies...
"Wel....I'm deep in dis pair & he's fooking dis custard"

 

[deipnosophist]

Guy in a bar rants and raves over a recent divorce settlement; "all lawyers are assholes!" he yells.
Another patron at the end of the bar wearily looks up and mumbles "hey, I resent that remark"
The ranter aggressively asks "why's that?...you a lawyer?"
To which the other bloke replies "no...... I'm an asshole"

 

[COYB]

Whats the greatest year in Liverpools history??

"next year"

 

[Dixie D]

What's clear & smells like red paint?
....Chloroform....ssshh!

 

[Dixie D]

I often say to myself..."i can't believe that cloning machine worked!"

 

[AndyC]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes..

"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," - and promptly sinks the putt!

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up therest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the - and wins the match.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Halloran"

 

[Joey66]

Two eggs in a saucepan being boiled, one egg turns to the other & says "it's bloody hot in here" the other replies "you wait till you get out there, they bash your bloody head in" !!

I read that in the Beano comic when I was a kid

 

[Brendan Janus]

I read that in the Beano comic when I was a kid

That's where I got it from lol

 

[larbert toffee]

That's where I got it from lol

This could now start an avalanche.

 

[summerisle]

 

[witchdoc187]

I read that in the Beano comic when I was a kid

How old are you because my Dad used to tell me that joke in the 80s I suspect he also got it from the beano.

 

[dandydan]

A Black piece of tarmac walks into a bar and says
"I'll fight anyone in here"
he gets no takers, an hour later a Red piece of tarmac walks in and the Black piece just stares into his pint and keeps quiet.
After the red piece leaves the barman says to the black piece of tarmac
"how come you didn't offer him out?"
Black piece replies
"Don't mess with him! He's a cyclepath"

 

[Socrates]

What do you call a judge with no arms, no legs and no body?




Justice Head.

 

[Alanbileysfeathercut]

Sitting in my local Chinese,enjoying my food , waiter says "curry ok"?
I replied " just one song,then"

 

[Joey66]

How old are you because my Dad used to tell me that joke in the 80s I suspect he also got it from the beano.

It that old I heard it in my junior school and I am 61 yrs old!