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Jokes Thread

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game.
Then one transferred to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club.
When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? "
No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.
Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6.30am"
He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."
She's there at 6.30 sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round.
She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed.
They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.
She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6.30 or 6.45."
The next week she again shows up 6.30 sharp.
Only this time, she plays left-handed.
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand.
They're totally amazed.
They can't figure her out.
She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.
They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.
This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.
However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.
This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.
They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes, and grins.
"When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies.
"I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
 
A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That's my ball over there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I think I understand"
He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard as well.

The man says, "What did you do that for?"

The golfer replies...

"I consider myself a Gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."
 
The Final Tribute...

Time is like a river.
You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.
Enjoy every moment of life.

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.
The man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

Not being familiar with the area, he got lost, and being a typical man chose not to stop to get directions.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
He didn't know what else to do, so started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
He played his heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.

And as he played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep.
They wept, he wept, they all wept together.
When he finished, he quietly packed up his bagpipes and started for his car.

Though his head was hung low, his heart was full.
As he opened the door to my car and cast a teary eye to the sky, he heard one of the workers say,







"I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
 
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A 18 year old young male handsome country yokel board the train for the first time -
a very pretty attractive young housewife with huge breast and a young baby sits opposite him-
they are on an empty train, after ten minutes the baby stats to whimper, and she just gets her massive orb of a breast out, and statds breastfeeding the baby -
You don't mind she asked him - er no just carry on he mutters -
after five minutes the young man gets roused and asks can he have a go of her other massive breast -
well yeas if you want too she offers -
so the young man moves over gets he breast out and suckes away till his hearts content -
After ten minutes the young women is starting to get roused sexually with the young handsome youth -
She quietly whispers to him "Is the anything else you want"
He replies yum yum have you got any Farleys Rusk with you have you!
 
My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

She's a perfect ten but imaginary.

---

My wife is like pi plus the square root of negative one.

Complex and irrational.
 

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