tonyhorne
Immoderate
If you asked him how old he was what would he say?
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Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
If you asked him how old he was what would he say?
Billysgingham.
Player Valuation: £40m
Right got ya.Crap innit.
tonyhorne
Immoderate
Billysgingham.
Player Valuation: £40m
Yep.
Billysgingham.
Player Valuation: £40m
Or ..what do you call a fish with one eye....a fsh.
malcson
Player Valuation: £10m
I’m eighty!
Charles Hawtrey
Player Valuation: £50m
shouldn't that be - what do you call a fish thats lost an eye?
Billysgingham.
Player Valuation: £40m
Actually it should be what do you call a fish without an i ...its ok when you just say it but it doesn't work when you write it out.
A guy walks into the local Welfare office, marches straight up to the counter to collect his check and says “Hi. Ya know, I just hate drawing Welfare. I’d much rather have a job.”
The DWP worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll drive her around in his Mercedes or his Rolls. You’ll be expected to escort his beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips, and you’ll have to satisfy all of her needs. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is £200,000 a year”
The guy says, “You’re joking me!”
The DWP worker says, “Yeah, but you started it”.
The DWP worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll drive her around in his Mercedes or his Rolls. You’ll be expected to escort his beautiful daughter on her overseas holiday trips, and you’ll have to satisfy all of her needs. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage and the starting salary is £200,000 a year”
The guy says, “You’re joking me!”
The DWP worker says, “Yeah, but you started it”.
One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is stuck. She throws a rope around the horse’s neck, and slams on the accelerator, saving the horse from sinking in the puddle.
A few days go by and they are playing in the field again. This time, the hen gets stuck.
Hen: “Help, go get the car like I did for you and help me out!”
The horse, realizing there isn’t much time since the hen is much smaller than he, stretches out over the length of the puddle.
Horse: Reach up and grab hold of my ‘thing’.
The hen obliges, and the horse starts to stand straight up to pull his friend out of the puddle.
The moral of this story is: If you’re hung like a horse, then you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
A few days go by and they are playing in the field again. This time, the hen gets stuck.
Hen: “Help, go get the car like I did for you and help me out!”
The horse, realizing there isn’t much time since the hen is much smaller than he, stretches out over the length of the puddle.
Horse: Reach up and grab hold of my ‘thing’.
The hen obliges, and the horse starts to stand straight up to pull his friend out of the puddle.
The moral of this story is: If you’re hung like a horse, then you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying, "OH GOD, I'M COMING!".
If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
Mrs. Durst asked her students to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny's hand shot straight up.
Mrs. Durst decided to ignore Johnny because he was always saying nottty things.
She called on Lindsay and she said "the sky is definitely blue"
And the teacher replied "well the sky isn't definitely blue, sometimes it's gray and cloudy or orange on sunsets, but great sentence!"
Little Johnny's hand shoots right up again, higher then before, but Mrs Durst ignores him.
Then the teacher calls on Kevin and he said "the grass is definitely green"
Mrs durst told him "great sentence but grass can sometimes be yellow"
Mrs Durst ask if any other students want to try, and little Johnny's hand goes right up. Finally Mrs. Durst calls on him.
Johnny says "are farts lumpy"
And the teacher dumbfounded says "no Johnny farts aren't lumpy"
Quickly he replies "then I definitely crapped my pants"
Mrs. Durst decided to ignore Johnny because he was always saying nottty things.
She called on Lindsay and she said "the sky is definitely blue"
And the teacher replied "well the sky isn't definitely blue, sometimes it's gray and cloudy or orange on sunsets, but great sentence!"
Little Johnny's hand shoots right up again, higher then before, but Mrs Durst ignores him.
Then the teacher calls on Kevin and he said "the grass is definitely green"
Mrs durst told him "great sentence but grass can sometimes be yellow"
Mrs Durst ask if any other students want to try, and little Johnny's hand goes right up. Finally Mrs. Durst calls on him.
Johnny says "are farts lumpy"
And the teacher dumbfounded says "no Johnny farts aren't lumpy"
Quickly he replies "then I definitely crapped my pants"
A man takes his girlfriend to his house to have some alone time. A few minutes into the Netflix and chill, things start to heat up. The man and his girlfriend start off with a little foreplay but it quickly escalates to a lot of 69.
After they finish their business the man tells his girlfriend that he needs to leave to go to the dentist. Before he leaves, he runs to the bathroom and brushes teeth, flosses, and uses mouthwash. He repeats that cycle of few times just to be sure his breath doesn't smell like straight up pink taco.
When he arrives at the dentist, the man notices that dentist keeps making strange faces. Finally, in a moment of pure awkwardness, the dentist asks the man "Sir, have you been 69ing?". The man, shocked that the dentist could tell, stutters out "Y-y-yea doc, how'd you know? My breath smell like?" The dentist replies "No sir, your forehead smells like crap.....
After they finish their business the man tells his girlfriend that he needs to leave to go to the dentist. Before he leaves, he runs to the bathroom and brushes teeth, flosses, and uses mouthwash. He repeats that cycle of few times just to be sure his breath doesn't smell like straight up pink taco.
When he arrives at the dentist, the man notices that dentist keeps making strange faces. Finally, in a moment of pure awkwardness, the dentist asks the man "Sir, have you been 69ing?". The man, shocked that the dentist could tell, stutters out "Y-y-yea doc, how'd you know? My breath smell like?" The dentist replies "No sir, your forehead smells like crap.....
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A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."
A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, "I'm sorry... But your pig is dead."
The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, "Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something."
The vet sighs and heads back to here office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.
The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.
The vet tells the woman, "See, your pig has definitely passed on." The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.
The woman is again outraged, "$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?"
The vet replies, "It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan."
The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, "Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something."
The vet sighs and heads back to here office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.
The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.
The vet tells the woman, "See, your pig has definitely passed on." The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.
The woman is again outraged, "$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?"
The vet replies, "It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan."