Jokes Thread

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

Where did Elvis buy his coleslaw?


In the Nettooooooo....

My pet mouse Elvis died today. He was caught in a trap.

 

[Bishop Thumpety-Thump]

I never used to like Depeche Mode, these days I just can't get enough.

 

[Joey66]

....good job @Joey66 is so good in the Old Pictures Thread.

Hey Eggs I have posted some crackers on here even a few likes from you.......and many others especially @COYBL25 lol

 

[Charles Hawtrey]

Plane with 5 passengers on board: Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, the Pope and a 10 year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said, “I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the world!”. Takes one and jumps.

Boris said, “I’m needed to sort out Britain!”. He takes one and jumps.

The Pope said, “I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church”. He takes one and jumps.

Angela said to the 10 year old: “You can have the last parachute. I’ve lived my life, yours is only just starting.”

The 10 year old replied: “Don’t worry Ma’am. There are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag!”

 

[summerisle]

So I said to Arnie, "where did you get those toilet rolls" ?
He said, "aisle B, back".

 

[mumwasablue]

I bought a porn DVD the other day. The picture was all dark and blurry with a fat bloke playing with himself.
Then I realised I hadn't turned the Tele on.

 

[Joey66]

After 20 years of marriage, a wife finds out that her husband had been using a 9 inch Dildol it all the time for sex with her for the past 20 years! She is so angry she asks her husband to "Explain the dildo". The husband replies "explain the kids?!"

 

[Joey66]

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava. He told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them. One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him. The robber asked if anyone else had seen his face. One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse"

 

[Joey66]

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still ruddy celebrating!!"

 

[Joey66]

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50.” The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use our teeth.”

 

[Joey66]

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen. The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom. The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, "Screw you." But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.

 

[Joey66]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

[Joey66]

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

 

[Joey66]

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?" Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?" The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make." And she says, "So have I, honey." To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

 

[Mcdrewson]

So I said to Arnie, "where did you get those toilet rolls" ?
He said, "aisle B, back".

- Who are you going as to the Classical composer fancy dress party Arnold?
- I’ll be Bach.