Jokes Thread

[monty]

Hiliary Clinton decided to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she felt about him.

Trump opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line coded message:


370HSSV 0773H


Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Vanessa Trump and his children.

Vanessa Trump and the children had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at FBI, CIA or NASA.

They eventually asked Britain's MI6 for help.

Within minutes, MI6 cabled this reply: "Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down.'

 

[Seathestars]

Old Bill had retired but took a job as a welcomer at B&Q.

Standing at the door one day and saying 'hello, welcome to B&Q' to all the shoppers he was startled when a big fat scruffy looking woman came walking towards the shop with two kids, she was efin and blinding at the kids so Bill, feeling sorry for the kids, decided to try and cool here down a little.

'Good Morning Madam, and welcome to B&Q, nice kids you have there, are they twins'

'No you stupid old t--t, they're not f----g twins, she is 14 and he is 7, so what made you think they're twins, are you blind or f----g stupid'.

Bill replied 'no Madam, I'm neither blind nor stupid, I just can't believe someone shagged you twice'

 

[ricardobee]

Why can't Steve wonder see his mates?



Because he's married

 

[Seanjd]

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

 

[Paul w]

What do you call a women with her foot in a drain.......... Ingrid.

 

[summerisle]

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands : there is no cure

 

[summerisle]

So, if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God - - - did Mary have a little lamb ?

 

[summerisle]

My wife probably tells me I never listen to her.

 

[Professor Toffee]

Sid and Irv are business partners.
They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
So Irv dies.
Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.
Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks.
‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.’
‘Oh, my God,’ says Sid. ‘So that’s what heaven is like?’
‘Oh no,’ says Irv. ‘I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.’

 

[Professor Toffee]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’
The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’

 

[Seanjd]

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital when then ultra-sound guy isn't in?

The Hip Replacement guy

 

[Paul w]

What do you call a women balancing a pint of lager on her head while playing pool........ Beatrix potter.

 

[anjelikaferrett]

Why can't you make clothes out of cheese?

Because fromage frais!!

 

[counsillor cox]

On a night out in Liverpool, ended up in a pub while the quiz was on. I'd had a few drinks so for a laugh I thought id write either the Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer..... Came second.

 

[Bilko]

I see that bloke from Abba has amnesia. Some people don't know they're Bjorn.