Jokes Thread

[AndyC]

I had a knock on the door from the Police last night...
They said "what do you know about JC?" Nothing I said
"What do you know about PG?" Nothing I said
"What do you know about KL?" Nothing I said.

I said "Look, am I under suspicion of something?"
"No Sir" they said "We are just making initial enquiries"

 

[AndyC]

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

 

[AndyC]

Just popped down to Tesco & seen a bloke with a trolley full of San Miguel, Sol, Desperados, 12 boxes of Paella & about 5 or 6 Sombreros.

Obviously Hispanic buying.

 

[ushuduup]

I have a friend who is a pilot for Virgin Atlantic but, because of this lockdown, he's off work, l asked him if he fancied doing a bit of decorating for me while he's at a loose end and he jumped at the chance.

l must say, he made a lovely job of the landing.

 

[Joey66]

 

[Joey66]

 

[Joey66]

 

[Joey66]

 

[Joey66]

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

 

[Methuselah]

Two mates, Greg and Ian, decide to keep a diary on the lock-down. They agree to do alternate days using the Gregorian calendar.

(I'll get me coat)

 

[Lloydystark]

BREAKING: 99-year-old army veteran Captain Tom Moore has raised more than £20m for the NHS by doing 100 laps of his garden.

Manchester Utd are reportedly eyeing him up as a replacement for Jesse Lingard.

 

[COYBL25]

 

[canuckblue]

Julius Caesar was thinking one day about how boring it was just to have white togas. So he asked -- forced, really -- his inner circle to submit suggestions for a new colour. Sure enough, the suggestions poured in and he went over them one by one with everyone in attendance awaiting his reaction. Finally, he got to one piece or paper, saw what was on it, looked up with a pained expression and said, "Ecru, Brute?"

 

[gonetomorrow]

BREAKING: 99-year-old army veteran Captain Tom Moore has raised more than £20m for the NHS by doing 100 laps of his garden.

Manchester Utd are reportedly eyeing him up as a replacement for Jesse Lingard.

That means we'll get him eventually - as a replacement for Lingard.............

 

[AndyC]

Congratulations to Hugh Zappritti Boyden, on his new role as chairman of the British Budgerigar Association.