Jokes Thread

[Joey66]

 

[Kurt.]

China have just released a new meat free food range... it’s called Not Poodle

 

[summerisle]

I've found the origin of the Yer Ma joke.

 

[Methuselah]

Young lad asks his mother 'why are wedding dresses always white?' His mother replies 'to emphasise the purity of the bride'. The lad goes to his dad and asks the same question. Dad says 'because all domestic appliances are white'.

 

[royalblue66]

Woman in court for stealing a can of peaches, the judge asked her " how many peaches were there in the can that you stole "? she replied " four your honour"
the judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach,take her down, her husband in the public gallery shouted " and she stole a tin of peas".

 

[trueblue84]

I tried listening to the top gun soundtrack the other day but after the 3rd song, Spotify kicked me out and said I'd exceeded the maximum number of attempted loggins.

 

[chrissyjack]

A copper arrested me on suspicion of impersonating Engelbert Humperdinck.

I said to the copper, "I've never impersonated Engelbert Humperdinck! Please release me, let me go!"

 

[Kurt.]

I tried listening to the top gun soundtrack the other day but after the 3rd song, Spotify kicked me out and said I'd exceeded the maximum number of attempted loggins.

You should try Footloose instead

 

[johnjoeefc]

I got two dogs yesterday, timex and Rolex. They are my watchdogs

 

[tommytowne]

Young snake says to his mum "what kind of a snake am I mummy? Am I the type of snake who poisons people or one that crushes people to death?
Mum snake replies "we're the type that poison people. Why do you ask?"
"I've just bit my tongue"

 

[Joey66]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

 

[Joey66]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

 

[AndyC]

I can't believe how this virus has brought the country together.
I'm having a water fight with my neighbour who’s a Liverpool Fan...


I'm just waiting for the kettle to boil

 

[Joey66]

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

 

[Joey66]

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."