Jokes Thread

While riding my bike, I swerved to avoid hitting a dog, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
 
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. and she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

In my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

As she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
 

Baby camel said to his ma, " why have for these long eye lashes " ?
his ma replied " they are to stop the sand getting in your eyes " and
why have i got this hump on my back" ? it helps when in the desert when there is no water" baby camel then asked " why have I got these big feet " ? his ma said
" they allow you to walk in the sand,without falling over" , don't get it he said we
are in Chester Zoo ffs.
 
A man had three parrots. One up high, one in the middle and one at the bottom.. which one did he own?

The bottom one, because the other two were on higher perches
 

The Vienna Boys Choir was on a tour of the UK when one of its singers fell ill before a performance in Newcastle. The choirmaster asked the local organizers if they could come up with a substitute, saying it would only be for a minor role in one song. So this Geordie kid shows up for rehearsals and is told he`s only needed for one bit about a clock. All he has to do, he`s told, is go "tick, tock" in the background. Once they start practice, all is well until the son of a horse puncher goes "tick, tick" instead of what's required. The choirmaster, a very stiff sort of individual, goes up to the kid and says, very loudly, "Nein, it is 'tick, tock.' We try again."
Sure enough, the kid goes "tick, tick" again and once more he is corrected. This goes on a few more times until the choirmaster, red-faced with anger, grabs the kid by the shirt, hauls him up and screams, "Ve haf vays of making you TOCK!"
 
canuckblue said:
The Vienna Boys Choir was on a tour of the UK when one of its singers fell ill before a performance in Newcastle. The choirmaster asked the local organizers if they could come up with a substitute, saying it would only be for a minor role in one song. So this Geordie kid shows up for rehearsals and is told he`s only needed for one bit about a clock. All he has to do, he`s told, is go "tick, tock" in the background. Once they start practice, all is well until the son of a horse puncher goes "tick, tick" instead of what's required. The choirmaster, a very stiff sort of individual, goes up to the kid and says, very loudly, "Nein, it is 'tick, tock.' We try again."
Sure enough, the kid goes "tick, tick" again and once more he is corrected. This goes on a few more times until the choirmaster, red-faced with anger, grabs the kid by the shirt, hauls him up and screams, "Ve haf vays of making you TOCK!"
Click to expand...
why a Geordie though?
 

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