Yarrgh
Player Valuation: £70m
This joke has been altered to read "A man" and not a blonde and is my son's online gag for tomorrow's online school lessons.
He is 9 year old and rates it as decent. The very highest of praise.
Jokes Thread
- Thread starter toffeemax
- Start date
He is 9 year old and rates it as decent. The very highest of praise.
Happy to oblige
Methuselah
Player Valuation: £35m
Guy in a second-hand book shop finds a really old dusty book at the bottom of a pile. Irish Dancing - Volume 2 'What to do with the hands and arms'.
I'm suing my local fishmonger for selling under size seafood.
I've got a hearing next week.
It's at the small clams court!
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My husband left me when he found out I was a contortionist.
I don't understand why.
I bent over backwards for that man!
I've got a hearing next week.
It's at the small clams court!
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My husband left me when he found out I was a contortionist.
I don't understand why.
I bent over backwards for that man!
A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?". She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50". He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "all of them".
tommytowne
Player Valuation: £50m
I said to the foreman "what do you want me to do with all this bubble wrap?"
"Pop it in the corner" he said.
Took me six hours!
"Pop it in the corner" he said.
Took me six hours!
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the [Poor language removed] do you want?'
'Ah!' he says
"Ryanair".
He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the [Poor language removed] do you want?'
'Ah!' he says
"Ryanair".
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick.He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife.He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step.As he caught himself by grabbing the bannister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his b*tt cheeks were cut and bleeding.He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids.He then began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and b*tt and with his wife staring at him from across the room.She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you Paddy?”Paddy replied, “And why would you be saying such a mean thing?”“Well,” she said,“it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes–but mostly, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!
A priest, a rabbit and a pastor go into a pub.
The barman says "what'll you have?"
The rabbit says "I dunno. I'm only here because of autocorrect".
The barman says "what'll you have?"
The rabbit says "I dunno. I'm only here because of autocorrect".
I just bought Bonnie Tyler's new book about England goalkeepers. I was a bit disappointed - it was totally clips of Joe Hart.
(sorry!)
(sorry!)